Paramount's Carowinds Adds New Themed Land

Attempting to spruce up the themed experience at their park, Paramount's Carowinds executives announced today that they would be opening a new and exciting themed land this season. Work on the makeover and new attractions has been progressing at a feverish pace, and the unique New Age Hippie Weirdo Land is expected to be completed in time for the busy summer influx of customers.

Theming of the New Age Hippie Weirdo Land section will be "very immersive," says park spokesman Tom Haden. Visitors will enter the new land through thick curtains of macrame beeds. Pathways will be made entirely of real hemp, burning incense will waft about in thick, gag-inducing clouds, and all of the new area's ride and shop workers will be required to grow greasy dreadlocks and stop bathing and using deodorant. Gift shops will sell mood rings, healing crystals, and, of course, loads of water bongs ("for use only as humorous gifts," says Haden). Street vendors will hawk tasty fare such as bean sprout and tempeh pizza, wheat grass shakes, and sandwiches made from a new soy and wheat-gluten product called I Can't Believe It's Not Blue Whale Meat!

New attractions are also being built at a rapid pace. First will be the Baghwan Sri Rajneesh Limo Ride, which Haden describes as "a lot like Disney's Superstar Limo, except it doesn't suck. It's a ride that shows important scenes in the life of the Baghwan, and includes great live interaction where passengers have their wallets stolen and then get felt up by perverts covered in latex." There will also be a new ride called Patchouli Armageddon; Haden is tight-lipped about the details of this ride, but does assure ARN&R that "it'll be an assault on all the senses. Well, I guess mainly just the sense of smell, to be honest."

But the crowning achievement of the new land will simply be a clever retheming of the Flying Super Saturator water coaster, now to be called the Magical Surprise Cleansing and Healing Barium Colonic. "This one is pure genius," says Haden. "With the incredible volume and power of the water blasting up at the riders in the form of geysers and water cannons, we realized that if passengers were required to ride naked, they would get an enema whether they want one or not!"

When asked whether this type of themed land would appear to be a better fit for sister park Paramount's Great America, Haden was resolute in his denial. "Certainly not. That park is in California, and those people are already eating soy curd and ritualistically flushing their bowels on a daily basis anyway. This wouldn't take them to a new plane of reality. However, the good people of North...er..." (Here Haden paused to check which section of Carowinds he was standing in.) "...I mean South Carolina...have never seen such wacky s%$#. They're going to fall in love with New Age Hippie Weirdo Land."

--JCK

ARN&R Weather Update

It was just gorgeous here at ARN&R Towers over the weekend. Naturally, that means we prepared four -- yes, four! -- pieces for your edification since Friday afternoon. So be sure to scroll down to see 'em all. And buy stuff. If you get yourself on any nationally-televised amusement-park-related television show wearing ARN&R stuff, we'll...um. Send you more stuff. Or something.

Six Flags Elitch Gardens Thinks Paying Customers Want to Swim in Garbage

Six Flags Elitch Gardens, the flagship property of the outstanding and beloved chain, recently announced a most unusual activity: Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste. The promotional activity, described in great detail at the park’s webpage, was created by SFEG management under the bizarre assumption that park guests would enjoy floundering in half-eaten chilidogs, sticky candy wrappers, rotted lettuce, and vomit.

“We are proud to announce this fabulous Xtreme new activity, which is totally free with paid admission to the park itself,” said park rep Graham Heatherdowns. “We’ll have prizes provided by Coke and the park, including season passes, passes to upcharge attractions, and half-gnawed peach pits, and we toss these things into an unspeakably filthy dumpster that smells like Satan pinched a loaf all over it. We know our patrons will especially enjoy breaststroking through raw tons of foul murk to find these superb prizes. And they might find a chunk of still-edible funnel cake, too!”

Eying a youngster poised uncertainly and reluctantly at the edge of the Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste attraction, Heatherdowns yelled out to him angrily, “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”

--JCK

Paramount to Relaunch Bonfante Gardens as Rugrats Gardenzville

Many enthusiasts were pleased to hear that Paramount would be managing Bonfante Gardens, the garden-themed nonprofit amusement park in northern California. And now Paramount has announced its plans: Bonfante Gardens will henceforth be known as Rugrats Gardenzville and undergo a complete retheming.

Upon entering the park, guests will no longer be greeted by decades-old "circus trees," carefully tended to maintain their beauty. Instead, according to park spokesman Bruce Falbo, "Those ugly things got torn out and thrown out back. Who wants crazy-ass trees at an amusement park, anyway? Now we've got all the Rugrats and Blue and sometimes even guest stars from Nickelodeon in the entrance plaza, right next to the Drop Zone tower ride and the all-new launched coaster Flight of Fear."

The unique plant- and vegetable-themed rides will be rethemed as well. Gone is the Artichoke Dip flat ride -- it's now the Hurler. And the Garlic Twirl is now Blue's Big Adventure Spinning Ride. "Yep," said Falbo, "It'll be just like Paramount's Great America up the street. It'll be great!"

When reached for comment, Michael Bonfante, who has cared for the trees and other plants in the park for years and dedicated his life to founding the park, wept quietly.

Breaking News: Six Flags to Open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq

Details are sketchy as yet, but ARN&R has received word from three independent and well-informed sources that Six Flags Inc. will open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq within three weeks.

The park, to be located near Najaf, will celebrate the long history of the Shiite fundamentalists' anti-American radicalism, including several new coasters. The signature coaster will be a new Intamin hypercoaster called "Superman: Ride of Destroying the American Infidels," with a GCI-designed wooden coaster called simply "Kill All Americans." Flat rides include a Top Scan called "God Will Roast Their Stomachs in Hell at the Hands of Iraqis," and Sally is expected to provide a heavily themed interactive dark ride called "Amerian Infidel Hunters."

Six Flags spokeswoman Rachel Solt declared, "Six Flags has always been about celebrating diversity -- heck, our flagship park is themed after all the different cultures that had controlled Texas! This is just another way of showing the world how much we love every person, even if they wish to kill us and destroy our government!"

Universal's Plans For Coaster Criticized By Neighborhood; Enthusiasts Furious

Universal Studios announced last week plans for an enormous hyper coaster to run on each of its Islands of Adventure, breaking numerous world records as it goes, but there was just one quirk: the bottom of its initial 345-foot drop would run straight through a day care center for underprivileged orphans that sits just outside Universal's property, and the track would have no fencing around it at all, permitting the orphans to crawl over the track as they please while the coaster was operating. Universal also announced that it would use the day care center as the sorting facility for its massive garbage recycling program.

Orlando neighborhood activists were incensed and immediately vowed to block the coaster's construction, calling the company's actions "insensitive" and "appalling." Once word spread among enthusiasts, however, the activists were termed "snotty NIMBYers" (referring to "Not In My Backyard") "who should've known what to expect when they moved to Orlando, including incredibly dangerous amusement rides causing great bodily harm to toddler orphans."

"It's just like when Disney got screwed out of building a theme park near the colonial battlegrounds!" complained HistorySuxCoasterzRule, an active participant at CoasterBuzz. "It was going to be totally respectful of history -- heck, they were even going to have authentic colonial roasted turkey legs! But noooo, the so-called historians blocked that, and now the so-called 'orphans' are using their powerful lobbying force to block what would be terrific for Orlando."

Universal, at press time, was standing firm on its plans, and was in fact considering expanding them. "We've been thinking that the church next door that provides food to hundreds of homeless people daily would be a terrific place for a gift shop and maybe a climbing wall!" said spokesman Charles Anderson. "And maybe we'll add a Dippin' Dots booth in that day care center, too."

Stern Disciplinarian ACE Parent Corrects Child’s Coaster Count

A short but intense argument erupted this afternoon at the Camp Snoopy amusement park in the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, when horrified American Coaster Enthusiast and Coaster Zombie member Herb Woladarsky, 33, caught his six-year-old daughter Emily attempting to count the “Li’l Shaver” attraction on her coaster credit list.

The incident in question occurred at approximately 6:35 PM this Sunday. Apparently, the day started like any other day a family of four would expect at an American amusement venue: fun, camaraderie, vomiting bad chili dogs. But then, without warning, tragedy struck. After a laughing and clapping Emily completed a circuit on the Li’l Shaver, a powered Zamperla attraction strongly resembling a regular kiddie coaster, the child called out, “Daddy! This roller coaster was so much fun! Can I ride it again? Please?”

“It was a disgrace to me as an ACE member and as a human being,” a distraught Woladarsky told reporters. “Everyone knows Li’l Shaver is a powered ride, not a true coaster. See how the track features a third rail that electrically moves the cars along the track? That’s not gravity running this thing! It’s so blatantly obvious, even a retarded chimp could tell the difference, but I guess my daughter can’t. I guess I blame myself for not using corporal punishment when she was younger, but I won’t make that mistake again.” Woladarsky then broke down into tears, obviously deeply upset by the tragic events of the day.

Hoping little Emily would yet learn from her terrible mistake, Woladarsky drove her home in silence, then sent her to her room to write 50,000 times, “Zamperla Dragon rides are NOT coasters.” ARN&R representatives noted, however, that Emily appeared to actually be scribbling “stoopid Daddy likes Hercules best” over and over.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Make sure your child knows not to count a powered ride on his or her coaster list. Get a silly bib for the tykes or, for your surly louse of a teenager, a t-shirt featuring a picture of a guy pissing all over the new Top Thrill Dragster at our Online Shoppe!]

Discovery Announces Enthusiasts Gone Wild Series of DVDs

The Discovery Channel announced today a new series of videos entitled Enthusiasts Gone Wild, featuring the most crazy and uncensored outtakes from the network's years of amusement park-oriented documentaries.

"We just realized we had warehouses of raw footage -- and I mean raw!" exclaimed Discovery spokesman Brad Welsh in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Acres and acres of bare skin, gravy being slathered all over masses of humanity, and the craziest on-ride photos you've ever seen! I'm still having nightmares!"

An advance screening by ARN&R's television critic reveals that events held at Cedar Point are most prominently featured. Among the highlights are clips of the passionate but unsurprisingly short on-ride consummation of the wedding of two unnamed ACE members at a special late-night ride on Gemini, a fully nude Dance Dance Revolution competition, and a naked and oiled game of Twister on the plaza in front of Wicked Twister, including a round with the entire administrative staff of Cedar Fair. The DVD also includes a short piece featuring creative placement and use of park iron-on patches.

A special bonus section features the wildest stunts pulled by enthusiasts hoping to get early access to buffets. The section features a five-minute montage of enthusiasts baring their chests at buffet guards, who invariably recoil in horror and allow access.

A planned second DVD, entitled "Wildest Enthusiast Mullets," is expected to be released in time for Christmas.

[Editor's Note: You can create your own wildest enthusiast videos! Go buy a thong and go nuts with the video camera! Just don't send us the video. Please. For the love of God.]

Events Upcoming: Offend Your Fellow Enthusiasts!

As perhaps you have forgotten, we here at ARN&R have an innovative plan that permits you to give us money in return for stuff. We even have a new t-shirt referencing urination! And nothing says "Put me on Discovery!" like a t-shirt featuring someone taking a leak. We also have various forms of underwear adorned with double entendres (really more like single entendres), license plate frames, and picture frames for your on-ride photos, all at prices that seem reasonable compared to those at actual amusement parks.

So go shopping for yourself, for your theoretical boy or girlfriend, for your grandma -- heck, do your Christmas shopping now! Buy stuff! It's the American way!

Enthusiast Adopts Child to Improve Credit Count

Joe Lekowski, a Pennsylvania-area enthusiast with more than 150 coasters to his credit, was looking for that extra edge to get to the next level. International travel was out of the question, as his employment in the stock room at Wal-Mart precluded any travel not depended on his 1992 Honda Accord (and because he feared that he'd find himself in a terrifying foreign land without a Chick-Fil-A), and he'd already visted a high percentage of the parks within domestic driving distance.

In the off season, he spent hours, if not days, contemplating how he could reach 250 or perhaps even 300 coasters and surpass his nemesis, known only as DejaVroomin at ThrillNetwork's forums.

Then he had what he describes as a "eureka!" moment. There were dozens and dozens of children's coasters that he'd never ridden due to his single childless status; if he had a child, he could increase his count enormously in just days. But how to obtain a child? Traditional means were out of the question, due to his utter lack of prospects for a partner and certain other medical hurdles. And his acquaintances with children tended to obtain restraining orders when he asked to "borrow" their children.

But then, while watching a late-night repeat broadcast of Las Vegas's Badasssss Thrill Rides on the Travel Channel, he saw an advertisement seeking funds to feed hungry African children. That was the breakthrough Lekowski was looking for. He wouldn't just pay for rice and beans, he would actually adopt a child and provide the child with all the funnel cakes imaginable.

So now, Lekowski is the proud father of Idowu Babatunde "Stan" Lekowski, a fourteen-year-old boy from Nigeria. Lekowski initially sought an Asian child due to the extended period during which the child might be short enough to get Joe onto kids' coasters, but Idowu had the good fortune of being born with a genetic abnormality, leading doctors to predict that he will never stand taller than 34 inches. "It's perfect!" exclaimed the senior Lekowski. "So long as we keep him shaved, this kid can get me into Jeepers! until he's thirty!"

"Stan" lives in a separate corner of Joe's parents' basement and is learning English exclusively through his father's extensive collection of self-created on-ride video footage. In an exclusive ARN&R interview on the subject of the emotional impact of his adoption and integration into U.S. culture, he said, "Whoooo-hoo!! Check out that airtime! I've got a woodie, I mean, I love this woodie! Whooooo! The lats!"