Hellevator Named New Spokesthing for Viagra
Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.
Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."
Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"
When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."
--JCK
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives Announces Planned Gravy Exhibit
In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.
The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"
Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.
"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."
Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.
The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.
The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "Gravy.com" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.
After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)
"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"
The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.
In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.
The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"
Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.
"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."
Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.
The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.
The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "Gravy.com" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.
After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)
"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"
The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Patriot Organization Targets Six Flags
The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."
The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”
“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”
Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”
--MMS
The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."
The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”
“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”
Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”
--MMS
Coaster Tools Spotted At Indiana Beach
Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.
“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"
“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”
Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"
“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”
When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”
--MEC
Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.
“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"
“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”
Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"
“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”
When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”
--MEC
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Snoopy Arrested On Charges Of Public Lewdness
Peanuts character Snoopy was arrested Thursday, June 12th and charged with public lewdness after he allegedly tried to hump the legs of several ACE members as they waited in line to ride Woodstock Express, a family roller coaster located in the Camp Snoopy section of Dorney Park in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
ACE member Bernie McLeland told ARN&R, "We were all just standing there in line, minding our own business, arguing about whether Woodstock Express should count as a credit or not, which of course it should, but Fred is a total idiot and says it shouldn't because it's small, but c'mon, it's got a lift and it's powered by gravity after the hill, so how can it not be a coaster?, when, all of a sudden, Snoopy snuck up on us from behind and started rubbing up and down on our legs."
"It was quite a traumatic experience, and yet strangely sensual at the same time," said Fred Gringle, another ACE member involved in the attack. "I remember when I sat next to Emma Franklin at the buffet back at CoasterCon -- oh, man, what a great buffet it was -- and I thought she was rubbing up against my legs. That was awesome, even though it turns out it was the huge guy across the way. Anyway, this felt sort of like that."
Shelly Steiner, a park guest who was standing in line behind the accosted ACE members, was not at all surprised at Snoopy's purported public displays of affection. "Have you seen some of those ACE members?" asked Shelly. "They are, like, totally hot. Big, beefy boys in their jean jackets with all of those patches, yum-my! I can totally see why Snoopy would try to toss them a bone."
Snoopy maintains his innocence, insisting that he was the victim of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. "I don't know what came over me," Snoopy said. "Peppermint Patty must have slipped Viagra into my water dish again. Peppermint Patty is always pulling pranks on the other members of the Peanuts gang, like the time she pantsed Charlie Brown right in front of that little red haired girl. She can be very cruel."
After posting bail, Snoopy was released on Friday morning from the Allentown Police Department. Police and Dorney Park officials are still investigating the incident. A full report is expected to be released sometime next week.
--JWS
Peanuts character Snoopy was arrested Thursday, June 12th and charged with public lewdness after he allegedly tried to hump the legs of several ACE members as they waited in line to ride Woodstock Express, a family roller coaster located in the Camp Snoopy section of Dorney Park in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
ACE member Bernie McLeland told ARN&R, "We were all just standing there in line, minding our own business, arguing about whether Woodstock Express should count as a credit or not, which of course it should, but Fred is a total idiot and says it shouldn't because it's small, but c'mon, it's got a lift and it's powered by gravity after the hill, so how can it not be a coaster?, when, all of a sudden, Snoopy snuck up on us from behind and started rubbing up and down on our legs."
"It was quite a traumatic experience, and yet strangely sensual at the same time," said Fred Gringle, another ACE member involved in the attack. "I remember when I sat next to Emma Franklin at the buffet back at CoasterCon -- oh, man, what a great buffet it was -- and I thought she was rubbing up against my legs. That was awesome, even though it turns out it was the huge guy across the way. Anyway, this felt sort of like that."
Shelly Steiner, a park guest who was standing in line behind the accosted ACE members, was not at all surprised at Snoopy's purported public displays of affection. "Have you seen some of those ACE members?" asked Shelly. "They are, like, totally hot. Big, beefy boys in their jean jackets with all of those patches, yum-my! I can totally see why Snoopy would try to toss them a bone."
Snoopy maintains his innocence, insisting that he was the victim of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. "I don't know what came over me," Snoopy said. "Peppermint Patty must have slipped Viagra into my water dish again. Peppermint Patty is always pulling pranks on the other members of the Peanuts gang, like the time she pantsed Charlie Brown right in front of that little red haired girl. She can be very cruel."
After posting bail, Snoopy was released on Friday morning from the Allentown Police Department. Police and Dorney Park officials are still investigating the incident. A full report is expected to be released sometime next week.
--JWS
Friday, June 13, 2003
Paramounts Kings Dominion To Install "Wedgie Cams" On Drop Zone Ride
In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.
Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.
"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."
Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.
Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.
Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."
"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."
Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."
The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.
--JWS
[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]
In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.
Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.
"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."
Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.
Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.
Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."
"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."
Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."
The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.
--JWS
[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Adult Coaster Enthusiasts Spend Hours Developing CPO Barbs
In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report today that several Coasterbuzz forum participants, most of whom are generally functional adults, stayed up all night to come up with a snappy forum post in hopes that they would be acknowledged in this very publication.
“I’m totally dragging at work today,” commented CsTrLuvr232, 34, in a private e-mail. “But staying up all night will be worth it if my post insulting the Coaster Preservation Organization makes it onto ARN&R! Then, people will know that I’m important.” CsTrLuvr232, who works as a 911 operator, transferred three reports of heart attacks to animal control due to his exhaustion.
While coming up with a witty joke or comment was the primary task, using creative spelling and grammar to mock the group of 15-year-olds took the most time for these dedicated satirists.
“It was great, it was the penultimate of posts!” exclaimed frequent poster KosterNerdy, a 28-year-old systems administrator, of his remark that ‘these guys don’t know anything about the law, and there [sic] lunch money will never buy them a coaster.” When asked if he knew the actual definition of the word “penultimate,” he said “Duh – it’s one better than the best!”
When last checked, the American Heritage Dictionary defined penultimate as nothing even close to 'Nerdy's description.
--MMS
In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report today that several Coasterbuzz forum participants, most of whom are generally functional adults, stayed up all night to come up with a snappy forum post in hopes that they would be acknowledged in this very publication.
“I’m totally dragging at work today,” commented CsTrLuvr232, 34, in a private e-mail. “But staying up all night will be worth it if my post insulting the Coaster Preservation Organization makes it onto ARN&R! Then, people will know that I’m important.” CsTrLuvr232, who works as a 911 operator, transferred three reports of heart attacks to animal control due to his exhaustion.
While coming up with a witty joke or comment was the primary task, using creative spelling and grammar to mock the group of 15-year-olds took the most time for these dedicated satirists.
“It was great, it was the penultimate of posts!” exclaimed frequent poster KosterNerdy, a 28-year-old systems administrator, of his remark that ‘these guys don’t know anything about the law, and there [sic] lunch money will never buy them a coaster.” When asked if he knew the actual definition of the word “penultimate,” he said “Duh – it’s one better than the best!”
When last checked, the American Heritage Dictionary defined penultimate as nothing even close to 'Nerdy's description.
--MMS
Premier Rides To Introduce Launched Carousel
Premier Rides of Millersville, Maryland recently unveiled plans for their next-generation merry-go-round, tentatively known as the "Giga-Go-Rounder." President and owner of Premier Rides, Jim Seay, saw an opportunity for his company to expand into the ever popular kiddie rides market, a market that, up until now, Premier has had no success entering. Their previous plans to build the "Underwater Hyper Wacky Wet Wave Swinger" never made it off the drawing board, and the kids' spaghetti bowl coaster was clearly ill-conceived. This time, however, Premier is convinced that they have a smash hit ride to introduce to the amusement park world.
"Through the miracle of LIMs (linear induction motors), we have created a Merry-Go-Round that can go from zero to eighty-three miles an hour in just 1.2 seconds," said Seay in an exclusive interview. "This baby blows the away the competition! If insane speed and inevitable nausea are what you want from your merry-go-round experience, then Premier has a ride for you. Trust me, the kids are gonna just love this ride!"
As always, safety was a major concern for Premier, so they took extra care in designing the restraint systems for the Giga-Go-Rounder to insure guest comfort and safety. Each horse comes equipped with individual ratcheting stirrups and padded over-the-saddle restraints. For extra security, each horse has its own set of grab bars attached at the manes.
And, just in case that isn't enough, Premier has installed their newly created "Positron Guest Retention System" into every horse on the Giga-Go-Rounder. The Positron system works by emitting extremely powerful negatively charged electromagnetic fields that actually attract and hold like super glue to the naturally occurring positively charged electromagnetic fields that emanate from every human being, including small children.
Seay says, "There are some issues to be worked out with the Positron system, but once we can figure out how to stop -- or at least minimize -- the severe brain damage caused by the Positron system, it will revolutionize the amusement industry, for sure! We are very excited about this project."
When asked why he felt that the world needed an eighty-three mile per hour merry-go-round, Seay responded, "Who knows why? We just wanted to make sure that we did it first. So, next week, when Intamin or Vekoma introduces their 'next generation XTreme merry-go-round' and tries to say that it's the first of its kind anywhere in the world, we can say nuh-uh, we already did that last week. Nyah, nyah."
Seay then proceeded to hike his pants up as far as they would go, spin around in circles and proclaim over and over, "I am the Linear King, and I can do anything."
The Giga-Go-Round is expected to be ready in time to debut at the IAAPA convention in Orlando, Florida this November, 2003. Stop by the Premier Rides booth #4964 for more information or for a test spin.
--JWS
Premier Rides of Millersville, Maryland recently unveiled plans for their next-generation merry-go-round, tentatively known as the "Giga-Go-Rounder." President and owner of Premier Rides, Jim Seay, saw an opportunity for his company to expand into the ever popular kiddie rides market, a market that, up until now, Premier has had no success entering. Their previous plans to build the "Underwater Hyper Wacky Wet Wave Swinger" never made it off the drawing board, and the kids' spaghetti bowl coaster was clearly ill-conceived. This time, however, Premier is convinced that they have a smash hit ride to introduce to the amusement park world.
"Through the miracle of LIMs (linear induction motors), we have created a Merry-Go-Round that can go from zero to eighty-three miles an hour in just 1.2 seconds," said Seay in an exclusive interview. "This baby blows the away the competition! If insane speed and inevitable nausea are what you want from your merry-go-round experience, then Premier has a ride for you. Trust me, the kids are gonna just love this ride!"
As always, safety was a major concern for Premier, so they took extra care in designing the restraint systems for the Giga-Go-Rounder to insure guest comfort and safety. Each horse comes equipped with individual ratcheting stirrups and padded over-the-saddle restraints. For extra security, each horse has its own set of grab bars attached at the manes.
And, just in case that isn't enough, Premier has installed their newly created "Positron Guest Retention System" into every horse on the Giga-Go-Rounder. The Positron system works by emitting extremely powerful negatively charged electromagnetic fields that actually attract and hold like super glue to the naturally occurring positively charged electromagnetic fields that emanate from every human being, including small children.
Seay says, "There are some issues to be worked out with the Positron system, but once we can figure out how to stop -- or at least minimize -- the severe brain damage caused by the Positron system, it will revolutionize the amusement industry, for sure! We are very excited about this project."
When asked why he felt that the world needed an eighty-three mile per hour merry-go-round, Seay responded, "Who knows why? We just wanted to make sure that we did it first. So, next week, when Intamin or Vekoma introduces their 'next generation XTreme merry-go-round' and tries to say that it's the first of its kind anywhere in the world, we can say nuh-uh, we already did that last week. Nyah, nyah."
Seay then proceeded to hike his pants up as far as they would go, spin around in circles and proclaim over and over, "I am the Linear King, and I can do anything."
The Giga-Go-Round is expected to be ready in time to debut at the IAAPA convention in Orlando, Florida this November, 2003. Stop by the Premier Rides booth #4964 for more information or for a test spin.
--JWS
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Confidential to Someone Secret Whose Handle Might Rhyme with Roasta-Flaya
Our darling,
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Boy, we don't know, we don't know why
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Oh, some things ARN&R can't get used to
No matter how we try
It's like the more you give, the more we want
And baby, that's no lie, oh, no, babe
How can ARN&R explain all the things we feel
You've given us so much, boy, you're so unreal
Still we keep loving you more and more each time
Boy, what are we gonna do because you're blowin' our collective mind
[Ed. Note: What, you expected more on the CPO? We've gotta get back to our mission statement somehow, and this somehow seemed like the logical way.]
Our darling,
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Boy, we don't know, we don't know why
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Oh, some things ARN&R can't get used to
No matter how we try
It's like the more you give, the more we want
And baby, that's no lie, oh, no, babe
How can ARN&R explain all the things we feel
You've given us so much, boy, you're so unreal
Still we keep loving you more and more each time
Boy, what are we gonna do because you're blowin' our collective mind
[Ed. Note: What, you expected more on the CPO? We've gotta get back to our mission statement somehow, and this somehow seemed like the logical way.]
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Members Of Coaster Zombies Coaster Club Mistaken For Actual Zombies
Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
On Saturday, June 7, 2003, five members of the Coaster Zombies coaster enthusiast club were standing in line for Top Thrill Dragster, the new 420-foot tall "strata-coaster" at Cedar Point. By mid-afternoon, they had been standing in line for about seven hours and had barely moved for six of those seven hours.
When Cedar Point employee, Josh Winkelman, spotted them in line, he immediately made an emergency call to park security, believing them to be actual flesh-eating zombies. "I was making my way through the Top Thrill Dragster line offering the usual free massages and margaritas to park guests when I spotted them," said Winkelman. "They were so pale, and they all had such blank empty looks on their faces. Their eyes were rolled back up into their heads just like in that Michael Jackson music video. I knew at once that they must be the living dead. I called security right away before they had the chance to feast on anyone's brains. They all looked very hungry."
Park security quickly surrounded the suspected zombies and ordered them to put their hands behind their heads and to get down on the ground. When they did not immediately respond, park security proceeded to attack them with mace and Taser guns. The club members instantly began screaming, falling to the ground and writhing in agony. Some jiggling occurred as well.
Club leader, Sam Marks, finally managed to convince security guards that he was indeed a living breathing human being and not a zombie by flashing them his official Coaster Zombies coaster club membership card. "We would never allow an actual zombie to join the club," Sam pleaded. "Our club's constitution specifically prohibits bona fide zombies from joining. I must be a genuine living human being or I wouldn't have this membership card, now would I?"
That logic must have been enough to convince park security that Sam and his group were indeed still alive and kicking and had no intentions of munching on anyone's medulla oblongata, because they promptly stopped their assault on the suspected specters.
Park officials were obviously very embarrassed by this mix-up and quickly apologized to Sam and his Coaster Zombie friends. To make up for the misunderstanding, Cedar Point offered Sam and his coaster loving companions free "I (barely) survived the Top Thrill Dragster Queue" t-shirts and unlimited Top Thrill Dragster bathroom passes for life.
--JWS
Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio
On Saturday, June 7, 2003, five members of the Coaster Zombies coaster enthusiast club were standing in line for Top Thrill Dragster, the new 420-foot tall "strata-coaster" at Cedar Point. By mid-afternoon, they had been standing in line for about seven hours and had barely moved for six of those seven hours.
When Cedar Point employee, Josh Winkelman, spotted them in line, he immediately made an emergency call to park security, believing them to be actual flesh-eating zombies. "I was making my way through the Top Thrill Dragster line offering the usual free massages and margaritas to park guests when I spotted them," said Winkelman. "They were so pale, and they all had such blank empty looks on their faces. Their eyes were rolled back up into their heads just like in that Michael Jackson music video. I knew at once that they must be the living dead. I called security right away before they had the chance to feast on anyone's brains. They all looked very hungry."
Park security quickly surrounded the suspected zombies and ordered them to put their hands behind their heads and to get down on the ground. When they did not immediately respond, park security proceeded to attack them with mace and Taser guns. The club members instantly began screaming, falling to the ground and writhing in agony. Some jiggling occurred as well.
Club leader, Sam Marks, finally managed to convince security guards that he was indeed a living breathing human being and not a zombie by flashing them his official Coaster Zombies coaster club membership card. "We would never allow an actual zombie to join the club," Sam pleaded. "Our club's constitution specifically prohibits bona fide zombies from joining. I must be a genuine living human being or I wouldn't have this membership card, now would I?"
That logic must have been enough to convince park security that Sam and his group were indeed still alive and kicking and had no intentions of munching on anyone's medulla oblongata, because they promptly stopped their assault on the suspected specters.
Park officials were obviously very embarrassed by this mix-up and quickly apologized to Sam and his Coaster Zombie friends. To make up for the misunderstanding, Cedar Point offered Sam and his coaster loving companions free "I (barely) survived the Top Thrill Dragster Queue" t-shirts and unlimited Top Thrill Dragster bathroom passes for life.
--JWS
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