Enthusiast Reads Book

In an event that experts call unprecedented, coaster enthusiast Jon Danky read a book earlier this month. Moreover, the book's title contained neither "thrill" nor "coaster" nor "ride" nor "amusement."

The shocking event occurred when Danky found himself bored on a Thursday afternoon after checking CoasterBuzz, Thrillride, Thrillnetwork, Westcoaster, Rec.Roller-Coaster, Screamscape, and Ultimate Rollercoaster four times each consecutively for updates. Finding none, his eyes wandered his room and settled on something he hadn't thought of in over a month -- a book, The Price of Loyalty, written by Ron Suskind based on extensive interviews with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. The book, a gift from Danky's aunt and uncle, provides O'Neill's recollections of his time in the Bush White House.

Danky, having exhausted his amusement park-related options, read the book over the next three days. "It was okay, I guess," said Danky. "But it's no The Haunted Park (RollerCoaster Tycoon, No. 5)," he added, referring to the fifth in a lenghty series of novelizations based on the popular RollerCoaster Tycoon videogame. "Jake, Carlos, and Hanna -- now those are some great characters, and the way they hung out in the haunted amusement park was so exciting."

HersheyPark to Offer Head Injuries, Lobotomies as Part of Storm Runner Theme

HersheyPark announced yesterday that in addition to the extensive Wild West theming that has pervaded its promotion of the new Intamin rocket coaster "Storm Runner," it's going to do all it can to help its guests get into the spirit of the ride.

Along with props and theme-appropriate music throughout the area surrounding Storm Runner, park officials plan to provide serious head injuries and/or partial lobotomies so that patrons will be able to fully appreciate the wacky stylings of "that Western dude with the huge moustache," as the character is thus far known. "We may also forcibly place chaw in the mouths of our guests and urge them to drink a lot of Lone Star, but we're still working on the legalities of that."

ACErs getting a tour of the construction site were among the first to undergo the head injury/lobotomy features. Among the relatively few members who showed any change in behavior, the effort was considered a success. "Hee haw, that was a rollickin' good time, pardner!" exclaimed James Kierkly, a formerly suave and sophisticated resident of Connecticut. "It was better 'n' a barn full of fresh-cut hay. Or somethin' like that -- I'm not up on the Wild West metaphors."

HersheyPark is presently hiring both former bouncers and neurosurgeons to provide the head injuries and lobotomies. A decision about which approach will be used is expected before the start of the season.

Dean Promises Billions in Aid for Little A-Merrick-A

Former Vermont governor Howard Dean today visited the closed-for-the-season Little A-Merrick-A amusement park outside Madison, Wisconsin, promising billions of dollars of federal aid for the park if he is elected.

"This fine park is employing upwards of eight or nine people at a time, and it's got this wonderful...uh, what the hell is that thing?" inquired Dean, pointing at a structure surrounding the park. After leaning over to listen to an aide's whispers, Dean continued, "A wonderful monorail, providing clean and efficient transportation from here at the park...back around to the place you got on. Huh. Anyway, the park's made vague noises about installing a bigger coaster, and that's enough for me to promise $2 billion in federal aid."

"Look, vote for me. I need to win Wisconsin."

Dean is reportedly planning on promising national guard troop assistance to control the punks at Big Chief Karts and Coasters who keep ramming into other patrons' cars, and to make a vacation at Tommy Bartlett's Water Show mandatory for all U.S. citizens. He is also considering proposing tactical nuclear strikes on Six Flags Great America to increase Wisconsin tourist dollars.

BORG Attraction to be Highly Interactive

According to Ty Granoroli, director of the forthcoming BORG Invasion 4D attraction set to open in Las Vegas, hints that visitors will receive an unprecedented level of interactive involvement.

In an interview with startrek.com, Granoroli states that "[g]uests will literally experience what it's like to be assimilated by the Borg, the most menacing enemies in the Star Trek Universe."

"We had no idea the ride would be quite this immersive," stated enthusiast Jen Giskahn, 29. "We figured there would be a film and some actors and neat effects, but this is well beyond that. Since 'literal' means 'within the strict meaning of' and 'to be interpreted verbatim,' this must mean that we will actually be assimilated by BORG!

"I can't wait to have parts of my body literally ripped off so that I can literally have metal replace them. And I eagerly anticipate literally being probed in all sorts of uncomfortable bodily openings, and literally having large portions of my brain scooped out without anesthesia so computer processors can be literally rammed in there in place. And, of course, it will be fun to literally be made a part of a hive mind, where I will have no choice but to literally destroy entire civilizations and literally incorporate other sentient beings into the collective!"

She concluded by noting, "the only bad thing is that we will only be able to experience this attraction once, because we will be literally be turned into evil cyborgs and all. But I'm sure that one ride will literally blow me apart!"

--JCK

British Lodging Problematic for ACE Member

Peter Wolf, 35, a member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, is planning an extended trip to England to ride roller coasters at parks such as Alton Towers, Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and Lightwater Valley. Unfortunately, he has been having trouble locating housing with fellow enthusiasts across the pond.

“I don’t get it,” says Wolf. “I figured I’d just open up my ACE Membership Directory and call a bunch of British members. Surely our shared love of coasters and shovel-loads of greasy buffet foods would bridge any cultural gaps, and we’d get along great. I was surprised that, every time I called to see if anyone could house me, they burst into laughter and called me names.”

“For instance,” he continues, “I called this one guy who lives in North London. We were having a nice chat, and then I asked if Alton Towers sells any fanny packs, or whether, because I’m tall, I would be in danger of getting my face bonked by anything there. This guy howled with laughter, called me a ‘poofter’ and a ‘Yankee git,’ and hung up. What the hell?”

Sources close to ARN&R inform us that, to Brits, “fanny” is a very filthy term for the female anatomy, while “bonk” is a moderately rude word for the human sexual act.

“Then there was this other enthusiast I called over there,” says Wolf. “All I did was ask if he had a shag carpet, and he cackled and called me a ponsey hairdresser. I don’t see what the deal is.”

Wolf tells ARN&R that he may put off his trip to England. “If everyone there is going to laugh at things I say, then I don’t know if I’ll enjoy being over there,” he says. “Plus, I dunno, they seem a little more open than I’m used to. Like, the last guy I tried to call, he wasn’t home, and I got his wife. She told me she’d be happy to have him call me back in a few minutes, but right then he’d ‘stepped outside for a fag.’ That’s kind of TMI. I think I’ll try a trip to Canada or something.”

Sources close to ARN&R inform us that “fag” is merely a slang term for “cigarette.”

--JCK/VMA

We Wonder What Moron Designed the Wonder Zone Website

Although it bereaves us greatly to leave the awesome weirdness of the ARN&R Fanfic Pleasure Village 2000 behind as our Site O' the Weak, we must not tarry in our mission to present, for your edification, as many awful amusement park-related websites as humanly possible. With that in mind, bear witness to the supreme god-awfulness that is the official site for Wonder Zone Amusement Park, a Site O' the Weak for the ages.

Yes, this is an actual "professional" webpage created for an actual theme park in Korea.

Assuming your computer doesn't explode in a shower of sparks attempting to handle loading the massively active front page, enjoy (if that is the appropriate term) the day-glo colors, nauseatingly adorable characters, and the dizzying array of useless graphics. Be sure to have your volume turned well up on your speaker when you run your mouse over the menu items, or else you'll miss out on all those things that bounce around and go "Booooiiiinnnnnggggg!" And then you'd be denying yourself the full spectrum of terror this website can provide.

The park map is also quite fun. First of all, there are all sorts of things that make loud sounds and burst into view if you scroll around a little with your mouse, and that's pretty damn irritating. But, more importantly, does anyone notice any ride names, logos, or mascots anywhere on the page that seem not to be the property of Wonder Zone Amusement Park? Note to Wonder Zone: sometimes a better and more famous amusement park creates a logo for itself or its rides or other properties. It is generally considered "in poor taste," "copyright infringement," and "stealing" if you use those same logos and names for rides in your crappy park. Just thought we'd let you know.

And finally, we'd be remiss if we didn't direct you to the page for a particular hilariously-named ride at the Wonder Zone website. First problem: if you have a park in a nation where the language is not English, it's probably best not to concoct a name for a ride using random English words if you don't know what they mean together. Second problem: if you steal the logo used to represent another park, change one word in the logo, and use it for a ride at your park, it's still stealing. Sorry to be a killjoy.

--JCK

PS to Wonder Land: it is also really unwise to have ride names featuring the word "tang" anywhere in them.

Time for the Big Game

We know literally thousands of people will be looking to ARN&R to help celebrate their Super Bowl Sunday in style. Unfortunately, we have lots of other stuff to do. For instance, the Assistant Editor will be far too busy watching the Queer Eye marathon and then switching to the Super Bowl at the absolute last second so as to hopefully avoid viewing the insightful pre-game commentary of Phil Simms and Deion Sanders entirely. Also there will be beer.

However, we feel bad about leaving you in the lurch, so we're presenting a Very Special Rerun of not one, but two exciting football-related articles from last season. Of course, we're way too lazy to update the names, so you'll need to be creative. For instance, the Bengals made the stunning leap from "bad high school practice squad" to "pretty mediocre" this year, so maybe the second article will be more topical if you substitute a rancid team from this year, such as the Arizona Cardinals, San Diego Chargers, or New York Giants. And, of course, Warren Sapp will still probably talk some trash, even though he's sitting on his ass watching the game because of the fact that his team was a bunch of chokers this season. So you can actually leave him in the first article, but then substitute various Panther and Patriot names where applicable. Have fun!

Super Bowl Trash Talk Hits Bulletin Board

As Super Bowl festivities get underway today, the Raiders have extra incentive for victory, in the form of taunts made by Buccaneers noseguard Warren Sapp. Sapp’s inflammatory comments immediately appeared on the Raiders bulletin board.

A selection of Sapp’s inflammatory comments are reprinted below:

“Yo, Charlie Garner sucks worse than Raging Wolf Bobs.”
“Lincoln Kennedy is so fat people yell 'Free Willy' when he sits on the beach. I bet he’s a card-carrying member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”
“Rich Gannon’s gonna be spending more time on his ass than the Rolling Thunder paint crew.”
“I heard Bill Romanowski’s momma is so stupid, she likes it when the lap bar ratchets her down in the seat so she can’t get no airtime.”

“Warren is doing his best with his antics to get under our skin, but it won’t work,” stated Raiders receiver Jerry Rice. “All he’s doing is giving us more incentive to win this game.”

Rice added that Sapp has lots of really stupid coasters in his top ten list, and that “he can only fit his big ass in Row 5 of a B&M inverted coaster.”

--JCK


Cincinnati Bengals: "We're Going to Boardwalk and Baseball!"

The refrain has been repeated for years: after the Super Bowl, the winners yell with delight, "We're going to Disneyland!"

But the worst-in-league Bengals (2-14 this season) like to do things differently. So, instead of visiting the magical world of Disney, the players all decided they'd visit Boardwalk and Baseball, the long-defunct Haines Park, Florida amusement park. But the Bengals didn't know the park (formerly known as Circus World) had closed over a decade earlier.

After getting to the park's former site, Bengals' almost-quarterback Jon Kitna shared his thoughts in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I just remember thinking it was the greatest place in the world when I visited back in the early '80s with my family. I had no idea it had closed down, and I guess nobody thought to ask before we flew down there."

The park now consists of the decrepit ruins of a baseball stadium, vast expanses of cracking concrete, and a stunning array of garbage left by nearby residents. During the ten-minute visit, three Bengals were bitten by rabid dogs, and at least a dozen were visibly crying.

"Next year, it'll be different," said Kitna. "We'll win the Super Bowl, and then -- we're so totally gonna ride Thunderbolt at Coney Island!"

New Club Formed for Nobel Prize-Winning Coaster Fans

The world is heavily laden with coaster enthusiast clubs, from the European Coaster Club to the Coaster Zombies to the largest group with the most abusive secretary, the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

However, until this point, there was no coaster club which catered specifically to Nobel Laureates in the field of literature. This glaring error was rectified by the recent creation of the Conglomerate for Roller Coaster Enthusiasts Who Have Won Nobel Prizes in Literature.

To gain entry into this club, coaster enthusiasts must pass the standard tests that would enable them to join any coaster club: they must maintain intricate lists about what their favorite kiddie suspended coaster is to ride on a rainy day in the fifth seat on the left, have a poor knowledge of how to please a member of the opposite sex, and maintain the ability to say "I want a monster woodie" without the slightest hint that it will make everyone around them laugh uncontrollably. However, what makes the CRCEWHWNPL so exclusive is that the members must have all won a Nobel Prize in Literature.

"Members of our club are able to share their common interests," notes recent Nobel winner John Maxwell Coetzee. "We get together for think tanks, and discuss works of art and poetry. Then we yell our asses off riding Magnum and dive face-first into the pork barbecue!"

But the highlight of the club, say most Nobel Laureate coaster fans, is their spectacular online forum, the Weepy Teen Angt Coaster Fan Poetry Symposium for Nobel-Winning Coaster Dudez.

"Where else can the world's greatest poets and novelists get together to share their beautiful words with each other in a mutually beneficial setting?" asked Kenzaburo Oe rhetorically. "We've had some beautiful sad poetry by Octavio Paz, who posts as Coaster Pimp. And then there are some gorgeous efforts from Joseph Brodsky (Disney Dan), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (cole), Elias Canetti (Xceleratorman14)and balroq, who I believe is Wole Soyinka."

"And we have something from Imre Kertesz (icoaster) that might win him another Nobel Prize," added Oe. "It's called my ultimate struggle, and it's all about the torture this character feels because he likes to jack it hard to porn."

"I almost wet my pants, that was so f***in' good," said Oe.

"However," said Oe. "We have some members who obviously think the poetry being traded on these Nobel coaster enthusiast forums is really stupid and pathetic. We've got some real jokers like Claude Simon (Alpenguy) and Seamus Heany (theirishdude05), who make up poems clearly intended to mock the weepy, amateur poetic efforts of their peers, as well as that wacky-ass prankster Naguib Mahfouz, who I am fairly certain is posting as seitanic, G-Rocks, aznspid3rman, enfynet, SFMWManic, and JulieBoolie just so he can write his special "read only the far left margin vertically" poetry all over page 1, page 2, page 3, and page 4, and poke fun the deeply profound and important works being regurgitated forth by the serious members of the Nobel forum, none of whom ever seem to get the joke."

"I would have thought that these great works of literature, being created from the depths of the human soul and experience, and being shared on this forum for peer evaluation by the great minds in the world of literature/coasters would be above this sort of behavior. But I guess these Nobel Laureates never change, do they?"

--JCK

Paramount's Ride Survey Offers Tough Choices

For those lucky enough to take Paramount's new ride survey, a tough choice had been laid before them. Theme a ride around the highly popular television show and movie franchise "The Addams Family," known and loved by families across America, or around a mediocre heist movie with Markie Mark called the "Italian Job," known and loved by my gay friend George.

Paramount hopes to follow this survey with another which will ask parkgoers to choose between two brand new possible menu selections: a spicy chicken sandwich or a hot piece of dog sh*t.

--MOS

[Editor's Note: Perhaps fearing a taunting article from ARN&R, or, far more likely, just for reasons completely unrelated to us, Paramount has recently removed the actual survey from its website.]

Rollercoaster! Magazine Introduces “Letters to Rollercoaster!”

Rollercoaster! Magazine, the leading magazine for the self-aggrandizement of coaster enthusiasts nationwide, has introduced a new feature on the back page of every forthcoming issue that is sure to excite all of its subscribers. “Letters to Rollercoaster!” will feature the “real life” experiences of enthusiasts who write in to tell of their most outrageous coaster experiences. An advance mockup of the next issue has fallen into the hands of ARN&R, and we are happy to provide this titillating excerpt of the next issue’s feature:

Dear RollerCoaster!,

I never thought this could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. It all started when I was at SFMM on a sunny afternoon. I had my croakie, my fanny pack, and my drool hankie – I was set for an afternoon of riding! When approaching Superman The Escape, I saw a lot of upset guests walking in the opposite direction of the ride.

Being an ACE member, I walked past the posted signs that the ride was closed and demanded that a ride op tell me what was wrong. She looked me up and down, smiled a private smile, and said, “We’ve been waiting for you, Jeremy,” and proceeded to lead me to a completely empty train. She let me adjust the restraint myself and then started the ride, with just me on it!

When the ride was over, I thanked her and started to leave. “Where do you think you’re going?” asked another ride op. “You’re not leaving here until you’ve ridden in EVERY SEAT of the train.” And then they rolled out a cart completely filled with barbecue pork! RollerCoaster!, I thought I had died and went to heaven. I rode alone on S:TE for hours, except when I was chowing down on the pork – that hanky really came in handy! None of my online friends at Westcoaster or Coasterbuzz believe me when I tell them this really happened, but I knew you would understand and print this letter.

Sincerely,

Jeremy Lügner
Reseda, CA

--MMS