Clean, Concise, and Informative

Attention amusement parks and those who design websites for them: when we come to look at your site, we have very few needs. These needs definitely include being easily able to find basic information such as price, location, discounts, nearby accommodations, and how many annoying photographers will be hanging around at the park entrance waiting to block our path and piss us off. Our needs may include wanting to see pictures of your new ride or to get a list of attractions we'd want to prioritize in case of long lines.

Our needs most certainly do not include sitting at our computer for eight hours waiting for your stupid overzealous flash animations, rollovers, bouncing figures, javascripts, banner ads, pop-ups, and MIDI renditions of Celine Dion songs to all finally load up. They also do not include spending another hour browsing through your hopelessly mangled pages looking futilely for the basic information we mentioned above.

And, while we sometimes like to peruse a park map ahead of time so as to have a plan of attack on a potentially busy day, and appreciate park websites that provide them, we'd prefer they just show us where the crap is and let us link to descriptions, instead of looking like this slow-loading monstrosity from Knott's Berry Farm.

Those who do not cater to our needs are sometimes punished by being named the Site O' the Weak. You have been warned.

--JCK

Particularly Vicious Wedgie Administered

According to numerous witnesses, coaster enthusiast Reggie Johnson, 14, received a wedgie of staggering violence and savagery this morning in the locker room of his junior high school. Although Johnson has been the victim of a high number of pranks, taunts, and minor assaults over the past several years, onlookers described this wedgie as "particularly vicious."

"These five guys tackled him after gym," said Daniel Blair, 14. I thought maybe they were going to dunk his head in the toilet like last week, or maybe take him into the girls' bathroom and superglue him to one of the toilet seats, but they went straight for the underpants."

Blair described the event in lurid detail, including an assertion that one of the bullies had stretched Johnson's underwear a full seven feet through the locker area before it tore. He additionally reported that Johnson spent the rest of the school day with the shredded remnants of the underwear flapping out the back of his corduroy pants.

"I keep telling Reggie that he needs to quit wearing the Coaster Zombie tie-dye, the coaster pin jacket, the Absolutely Reliable hat, and the themed fanny pack to school," said Johnson's friend Tony Bush, 15. "It makes him such an easy target being this coaster dork. I keep suggesting some cool hobbies for him that would make people realize he's not a nerd and leave him alone, like running a Star Trek continuity blog, playing Hero Clicks, or dressing up like Ash for Evil Dead 2 conventions, but he's really stubborn."

--JCK

Visit to IAAPA a "Trip of a Lifetime"

Coaster enthusiast William Sanderson, 46, has always dreamed of attending the convention for the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA). This year, that dream became a reality.

"I've been saving up for ages so I could attend this amazing event," said Sanderson. "Wandering the floors; showing off my very best cargo pants, flip-flops, and yellow-stained Banshee t-shirt; giving B&M sorely-needed enthusiast input; riding the rides; and spilling armloads of free food everywhere...oh god, how many times to did I wet myself in my sleep thinking about it?"

Sanderson was certain that any old coaster enthusiast could just wander in the gates of the Georgia World Congress Center and receive accolades and respect from the show exhibitors as they recognized his years of intelligent and thought-provoking roller coaster riding and patch collecting. Unfortunately for him, his enthusiast organization, the Super Coaster Mofos, does not have an official arrangement to maintain a booth or tour the facilities of IAAPA during the convention, and he let his membership in ACE lapse a decade ago.

"A lot of people would see this vacation as a total failure," said Sanderson from his holding cell at a nearby jail. "I mean, some enthusiasts would be upset when they planned their entire lives around this trade show and then were told they can't come in. But I make the best of things. I sprinted in anyway. I tried six different brands of deep-fried chocolate bars; I offered my services to Gravity Group as a well-compensated ride tester; I bounced up and down on the back of that Vekoma mini-bike coaster car and went "vroom!" and I managed to grab Stan Checketts' ass, or someone's ass anyway, just before the police tackled me."

"This was still the trip of a lifetime," he added, before using his one phone call to contact Holiday World's IAAPA booth to offer his input that a "couple more" bunny hops could probably be squeezed in to the Voyage's layout.

--JCK

Site O' the Weak: An Obvious Choice

It probably seems unfair to list International Theme Park Services as our Site O' the Weak, seeing as we already revised their website to claim they would be marketing a ridiculous tourist attraction called the Purple People Bridge Cl!mb, and we already pointed it out in a taunting article.

Well, unfortunately, we aren't fair. Congratulations on the award.

--JCK

ARN&R Takes Over Consultants' Site

In the boldest move yet by Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, its extensive staff of web developers and hackers staged an enormous "happening" today by completely revising the website of International Theme Park Services. In a move of satirical genius, ARN&R made it appear that the consulting group had announced a tourist attraction based entirely on climbing an enormous bridge to see the supposed delights of Cincinnati, Ohio, from the air.

"We really decided to take this over the top," said the site's editors, known as the Grand Poobah and JCK, in a prepared statement. "So first, we came up with the utterly ridiculous name of The Purple People Bridge Climb, but then we decided that wasn't quite enough. So we pushed it further and made it so it was called the Purple People Bridge Cl!mb. Yes, that's right, an exclamation point right in the middle of the word climb! And we replaced virtually every 'i' on the entire site with an exclamation point!"

The editors also noted with pride an obviously insane paragraph they included in the purported steps leading up to a climb (sorry, cl!mb):

All indemnity forms will be signed. An alcohol breath test will be taken to ensure that each Cl!mber is fit to take the Cl!mb. Cl!mbers will receive their Cl!mbing gear, placing it over their personal clothing. Communication equipment will be distributed consisting of the newest in “BONE CONDUCTION COMMUNICATIONS TECHNOLOGY.”

"'Bone conduction communications technology!' What a great line! God, we rule!" said JCK in an interview.

Another outstanding part of the spoof site, according to the editors, is the logo, in which an enormous man appears to be contempating urinating on the bridge. They also point to the theme climbs, in particular to the theme climb that would include these delights: "Cl!mbers decked out as gangsters will cross the bridge and learn the details of the 'sin city' past of the area, once known as 'Little Mexico'." ARN&R's editors pointed out that anyone doing so would obviously be dragged from the bridge by any rational human coming upon them, and that the concept of charging for such a privilege was utterly ridiculous.

Inquiries to the staff of International Theme Park Services have been unanswered; they appear as yet to be unaware of the fact that their site has been hacked so thoroughly.

Hydra Being Watched by Wildlife Management Teams

According to industry experts, Hydra: The Revenge, a floorless roller coaster desiged by Bolliger & Mabillard, has been under near-constant clandestine surveillance at Dorney Park by wildlife management teams since it opened earlier in 2005. The team, which has managed to remain hidden in Dorney Park's dense jungle foliage and tall savanna grass so as not to disturb either Hydra or the park's large number of patrons, has been carefully tracking movements and behavior patterns of the new ride.

"New, young roller coasters are always on the prowl, looking for a new area to call home," says coaster behavioral specialist Dr. Harry Wang. "When they come across a pride already in place, they will generally challenge the incumbent coaster. The result of this challenge will be that either of the combatants is killed or driven off in defeat. The unusual, and somewhat disturbing part of this scenario is that, if the new coaster is victorious, it will almost always make a prompt move to kill any of the prior coaster's offspring."

Scientists are therefore watching Hydra with great interest. After defeating Hercules, a large wood coaster created by Summers & Dinn, many are concerned that the new looper will make a move to destroy any surviving younger relatives of Hercules. Accordingly, the wildlife team is in constant contact with the owners of rides like the Georgia Cyclone, Mean Streak, and the Texas Giant to keep them alert to any aggressive moves from Hydra.

"Any and all Summers & Dinn rides from after 1989 are at risk," said Wang. "But frankly, we're most concerned about Mean Streak. As lame and weak as that ride is, it presents an incredibly easy target and would be unlikely to survive an attack of any sort."

--JCK

Enthusiasts Disgruntled With Special Features

Although the long-awaited release of the Special Tenth Anniversary Criterion Collector's Extended Edition of Cedar Point's groundbreaking roller coaster Mantis was eagerly anticipated, sales of the product are falling flat due largely to complaints from the coaster enthusiast community.

Mantis was the first of the relatively short run of major, innovative, megalooping standup coasters from B&M to hit the market. Initially popular, the ride has seen interest in it wane in the intervening years, as more exciting and less ball-cracking rides were opened at Cedar Point and elsewhere. Nonetheless, the nostalgia market for Mantis was considered very strong, which led to the special edition being prepared for release this year, along with a major television and print marketing campaign.

"This is hardly any better than the original release that just had the coaster on it," complained ACE member Drew Marshall, 50. "They have a splashy new package and paint job, they talk up how many great extra features it has, and then it's such a pathetic letdown."

"While we are disappointed in sales, we assert very strongly that the Tenth Anniversary Mantis release is a strong one, and it is nonsense that these enthusiasts are whining about it," said a Cedar Point representative. "The behind-the-scenes featurette is extremely informative and offers never-before-seen looks into the making of the ride. The Banshee retrospective, complete with poster gallery, is comprehensive. And we even incorporated new, thrilling ride sections into the main footage of the ride, complete with specially composed new music and fully integrated effects and headbanging. It's a definitive anniversary product."

"Whatever," sighed Marshall. "Sure, the incorporated footage is cool. But they have that and those two featurettes, and that's it! No deleted track sections, no commentary track from Bolliger and Mabillard, no outtakes, no easter eggs, no commemorative upstop wheel parts, not even the original trailer! And for 45 bucks? Screw that!"

Lagging sales for the Mantis anniversary package have reportedly had representatives of the New York New York Casino in Las Vegas rethinking their plans to release a monumental Ultimate Quadrilogy Collection for their Manhattan Express coaster's gala tenth anniversary celebration next year.

--JCK

VH1 Debuts New Reality Show

Continuing its successful franchise of "celebreality" programming, the VH1 network last night debuted a new show called But Can They Design a Roller Coaster? Hosted by Ahmed Zappa, the show pits nine celebrities in a roller coaster design battle. At the end of each episode, the coaster designs are showcased before a studio audience and judges, whereupon the people of America vote for the winners.

In the first episode, airing immediately after the popular trilogy of VH1 shows 80 Hottest Hotties Over 80, Peter Brady Plows Some Bimbo, and C*ck-Punching Danny Bonaduce, the new program showcased the coaster design talents of such major celebrities as Antonio Sabato Jr., Larry Holmes, and Morgan Fairchild.

Celebrities were allowed to enter any coaster design they chose in the first week of competition, and some of the designs were more successful than others. The winning entry came from Holmes, who produced a wood twister called The Knockout that featured remarkably smooth transitions and good airtime.

Others left much to be desired. For instance, Fairchild's entry was a steel looping ride that featured sustained forces in excess of 12 G's over the course of its seven consecutive non-clothoid loops taken at eighty miles per hour. Although riders reported a great feeling of excitement, the fact that all of them passed out, and most ended up covered in their own nose blood and vomit, led to points being deducted by many viewers at home. Joe Pantaliano constructed an aesthetically pleasing inverted coaster that seemed like a lock to achieve victory, but he unfortunately forgot to connect the track sections together in one location, leading to entire trains of passengers diving into the ground at fifty miles per hour; this modest defect caused him to be sassed by the judges, and Pantaliano finished a disappointing fourth.

The weakest ride design, however, was definitely that produced by Bai Ling. In her creation, passengers rode a kiddie coaster in circles over and over again while Ling herself wailed her horrifying rendition of Like a Virgin at full volume. The themed coaster experience was described by one passenger as a "visit to Hell itself," and viewers agreed, voting Ling off the show entirely.

But Can They Design a Roller Coaster? moves into its second week next Sunday, when the contestants vie for supremacy in the difficult Standup category.

--JCK

Parents See Coaster Zombies Costume as "Too Scary"

Dana and Jon Kopkee have always let seven year-old son Ryan do as he pleases. They frown on excess, but try to let the young boy make his own mistakes in life and learn about the world around him. "We feel like Ryan is getting to the age where it is important that he start taking baby steps when it comes to personal responsibility," said Dana.

However, both parents put their proverbial feet down when Ryan said he wanted to be a Coaster Zombie for Halloween. "They seem kind of cool," said Ryan. "They like roller coasters and travel to ride them."

Jon said that there were a lot of good choices for his son's Halloween costume, but this was not one of them. "Let's face it, a majority of these people are, well, losers," commented Jon. "They spend time and money traveling to ride roller coasters. They don't have families or basic interpersonal skills. I am sorry, but it is just too scary to think of my son as an enthusiast for Halloween."

Permissible costumes included axe murderer, blood-sucking Vampire and even a flesh-eating Zombie. However, a Coaster Zombie just would not do. "We want our son to have self-respect, so we couldn't have him walking door-to-door as a tie-dyed coaster counter," sighed Dana.

While Ryan is disappointed by his parent's decision, he has taken it all in stride. "Mommy and Daddy said I could not be the scary Coaster Zombie, so I think this year I will be an escaped prisoner. At least they aren't afraid to talk to women," joked Ryan.

--FMB

Sucking so Hard it Chafes

There are bad coaster websites, and then there are amazingly bad coaster websites. And then sometimes there are coaster sites so horrifically awful that you kind of wonder if the whole thing is just some kind of joke. That's the pickle we're in this week, as we debate whether The Geauga Show is actually the worst website ever made or just a lazy prank. Assuming it's for real...holy crap. The gaudy colors, the Tripod hosting, the one page that has all the site's pictures load at once, the over-reliance on exclamation points and misplaced quotation marks, the use of footage from "proffesional [sic] Shows that air on regular television" without permission, the non-working forums, the Brittany Lynn-esque failure to remove "Enter content here" headers from web pages...it all adds up to form a monument to suckage. And a Site O' the Weak, not coincidentally. And hey, if somehow the whole thing is a joke, more power to you. Glad you've got this much time to spare.

--JCK