Camelot Theme Park Staffer's Date Disputes Press Release
The Camelot Theme Park recently announced a new coaster, declaring it, at 2,600 feet, one of the longest roller coasters in existence. The press release, written by one Barry Carlton of Lancashire, described the ride -- with a top speed of over 40 miles per hour -- as a white knuckle attraction with "world class thrills."
In a related story, Carlton's date last Saturday issued a press release announcing that "Barry Carlton is pathetically unable to judge length, the thrills related to length, the relative length of any given item compared to world records or even world averages, what it means to provide 'world class thrills,' or the necessary speeds required to provide satisfaction, much less thrills, to others. Also, it's really gross when his back hair gets caught in his chain mail. In short -- and I cannot emphasize the word 'short' enough -- he's clueless."
Carlton was unavailable for comment.
--GP
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Coasterbuzz Poster Creates Exciting New Variety Of Performance Art
For years, the phrase “performance art” has had a less than positive connotation, conjuring up visions of bizarre collections of unrelated parts or eccentric performances in poorly-lit galleries. An assortment of Mego action figure parts slathered in mayonnaise and stacked in a litter box would be said to symbolize mankind’s contempt for nature, while a grown man wearing a Rainbow Brite mask might play a children’s ukulele for five hours as a way to convey his festering resentment toward his mother.
That stereotype is a thing of the past, thanks to one man.
Art critics the world over are gushing about a new form of performance art created by Coasterbuzz poster Jason Hammond. Echoing the movements called "Fluxus" and "Dada" this new form of art is dubbed “grammer” by its creator and is expressed solely through the written word, and throws conventional rules and conventions right out the proverbial window.
“I’m not the type to frequent websites about roller coasters. Frankly, I think most of those people are vapid twits,” said Charles DuMonche, director of the DuMonche Art Gallery in New York City. “But this is an incredible breakthrough. I’m prepared to go on record saying that this is the most important innovation in the art world in the past one hundred years.”
“One only has to go to the thread itself to witness this work of genius firsthand,” said Andru Applethorpe, senior writer for Artiste Monthly. “Its beauty is in its deception. At first read of his work, you believe he is nothing more than a mouth breathing simpleton who confuses the words 'your' and 'you’re,' and constantly misspells the word 'believe.' But then, your world is turned upside down by the end statement, where he adds, '<edited for grammer>.' Only then do you realize that what you just read was created under 'grammer' rules, and it is you who are the one who appears stupid. I was floored.”
“Predicted to become the new standard in written performance art within three years,” said the notoriously-succinct art review website known as Artbits.org. “Extra credit for intentional misspelling of word 'grammar.' Delicious irony.”
Jason Hammond, typical of most great visionaries, was unavailable for comment. ARN&R contacted Jeff Putz, webmaster of Coasterbuzz, in an attempt to confirm that Hammond is indeed a serious artist, and not just a dim-witted enthusiast with a shaky grasp on the English language.
“Don’t you go putting ideas in anybody’s head! Do you know how much I’ve invested in pop-up ads to sell 8x10s of this guy’s work?” Putz bellowed over the phone. “This is going to make me rich, do you hear me? Richer than Shapiro and Snyder combined!”
--CMV
For years, the phrase “performance art” has had a less than positive connotation, conjuring up visions of bizarre collections of unrelated parts or eccentric performances in poorly-lit galleries. An assortment of Mego action figure parts slathered in mayonnaise and stacked in a litter box would be said to symbolize mankind’s contempt for nature, while a grown man wearing a Rainbow Brite mask might play a children’s ukulele for five hours as a way to convey his festering resentment toward his mother.
That stereotype is a thing of the past, thanks to one man.
Art critics the world over are gushing about a new form of performance art created by Coasterbuzz poster Jason Hammond. Echoing the movements called "Fluxus" and "Dada" this new form of art is dubbed “grammer” by its creator and is expressed solely through the written word, and throws conventional rules and conventions right out the proverbial window.
“I’m not the type to frequent websites about roller coasters. Frankly, I think most of those people are vapid twits,” said Charles DuMonche, director of the DuMonche Art Gallery in New York City. “But this is an incredible breakthrough. I’m prepared to go on record saying that this is the most important innovation in the art world in the past one hundred years.”
“One only has to go to the thread itself to witness this work of genius firsthand,” said Andru Applethorpe, senior writer for Artiste Monthly. “Its beauty is in its deception. At first read of his work, you believe he is nothing more than a mouth breathing simpleton who confuses the words 'your' and 'you’re,' and constantly misspells the word 'believe.' But then, your world is turned upside down by the end statement, where he adds, '<edited for grammer>.' Only then do you realize that what you just read was created under 'grammer' rules, and it is you who are the one who appears stupid. I was floored.”
“Predicted to become the new standard in written performance art within three years,” said the notoriously-succinct art review website known as Artbits.org. “Extra credit for intentional misspelling of word 'grammar.' Delicious irony.”
Jason Hammond, typical of most great visionaries, was unavailable for comment. ARN&R contacted Jeff Putz, webmaster of Coasterbuzz, in an attempt to confirm that Hammond is indeed a serious artist, and not just a dim-witted enthusiast with a shaky grasp on the English language.
“Don’t you go putting ideas in anybody’s head! Do you know how much I’ve invested in pop-up ads to sell 8x10s of this guy’s work?” Putz bellowed over the phone. “This is going to make me rich, do you hear me? Richer than Shapiro and Snyder combined!”
--CMV
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Shapiro To Whore Out Every Inch Of Six Flags Parks In 2007
Following the blockbuster announcement naming Heinz the Official Ketchup of the Six Flags chain of parks, CEO Mark Shapiro announced today the largest collection of sponsorship deals in amusement park history. The collection involves hundreds of sponsors, and when implemented, will blanket every Six Flags park in existence.
“We’ve already got Official Pizzas and Official Ketchups of Six Flags, but why stop there?” Shapiro asked on a carbon-copied post on dozens of Six Flags fan site forums. “Now, due to these new sponsorship deals, our guests will be guaranteed nothing but the best experience at our parks.”
According to Shapiro, guests will see the changes immediately as Halliburton takes over as Official Parking Lot Operators of Six Flags, as well as becoming the Official Ticketing System Controllers of Six Flags and the Official War Profiteers of Six Flags. Other changes include Morton’s as the Official Salt of Six Flags, Sweetheart as the Official Napkin of Six Flags, and Black Oak Arkansas as the Official Restroom Muzak Band of Six Flags.
Conspicuously missing are any Official Cleaning Products of Six Flags. Shapiro states that the company is “already in a good place” concerning that situation.
--CMV
Following the blockbuster announcement naming Heinz the Official Ketchup of the Six Flags chain of parks, CEO Mark Shapiro announced today the largest collection of sponsorship deals in amusement park history. The collection involves hundreds of sponsors, and when implemented, will blanket every Six Flags park in existence.
“We’ve already got Official Pizzas and Official Ketchups of Six Flags, but why stop there?” Shapiro asked on a carbon-copied post on dozens of Six Flags fan site forums. “Now, due to these new sponsorship deals, our guests will be guaranteed nothing but the best experience at our parks.”
According to Shapiro, guests will see the changes immediately as Halliburton takes over as Official Parking Lot Operators of Six Flags, as well as becoming the Official Ticketing System Controllers of Six Flags and the Official War Profiteers of Six Flags. Other changes include Morton’s as the Official Salt of Six Flags, Sweetheart as the Official Napkin of Six Flags, and Black Oak Arkansas as the Official Restroom Muzak Band of Six Flags.
Conspicuously missing are any Official Cleaning Products of Six Flags. Shapiro states that the company is “already in a good place” concerning that situation.
--CMV
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Six Flags Characters: “We Didn’t Know We Could Hit The Little F---ers.”
Costumed characters at the Six Flags chain of amusement parks are aghast at the release of videotape that allegedly shows Walt Disney World character Tigger assaulting a young boy without reason at the Florida vacation kingdom. But whereas the general public is shocked by the nature of the attack, Six Flags’ characters see it in a different light.
“I had no idea that we could hit those little f---ers like that!” said a character at Six Flags St. Louis who would only allow himself to be identified as Daffy D. “Disney isn’t even making him apologize. I’m sure if he’d have known he was going to get off that easy, he would have drawn blood on the little bastard. Sufferin’ succotash!”
At Six Flags Great America, a character known as F. H. Leghorn agrees. “Ah say, ah say, it’s nice to see Tigger striking a blow for all of us characters. There’s been so many times that ah’d loved to have laid a backhand into some little child who’s been a-yanking on my plumage. Ah wish ah’d known about this years ago.”
The situation appears ready to escalate, as cryptic postings from someone known only as “Bugs B.” have been appearing in Six Flags employee forums all over the internet. In the postings, “Bugs” appeals to his character brethren to rise up “against the establishment” in the 2007 season, and strike back “on behalf of underappreciated characters everywhere." He goes on to promise that the midways “will run crimson with the blood of the great unwashed," and that he would personally be posting a generous bounty for every child’s tooth collected off the pavement.
Characters from other theme park companies, such as Cedar Fair’s Snoopy, Gulliver’s Theme Park’s Gully Mouse and Lotte World’s Papa Twunk declined to comment officially, although Kuku from the Jian Hu Shan amusement park did vigorously quiz this reporter about possible job openings at Six Flags.
Not surprisingly, this news caused very little stir at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. “Big f---ing deal," said a character identified as Marvin M. “We’ve been raisin’ our pimp hands to these little punks for years, so this s--t is old news to us.”
--CMV
Costumed characters at the Six Flags chain of amusement parks are aghast at the release of videotape that allegedly shows Walt Disney World character Tigger assaulting a young boy without reason at the Florida vacation kingdom. But whereas the general public is shocked by the nature of the attack, Six Flags’ characters see it in a different light.
“I had no idea that we could hit those little f---ers like that!” said a character at Six Flags St. Louis who would only allow himself to be identified as Daffy D. “Disney isn’t even making him apologize. I’m sure if he’d have known he was going to get off that easy, he would have drawn blood on the little bastard. Sufferin’ succotash!”
At Six Flags Great America, a character known as F. H. Leghorn agrees. “Ah say, ah say, it’s nice to see Tigger striking a blow for all of us characters. There’s been so many times that ah’d loved to have laid a backhand into some little child who’s been a-yanking on my plumage. Ah wish ah’d known about this years ago.”
The situation appears ready to escalate, as cryptic postings from someone known only as “Bugs B.” have been appearing in Six Flags employee forums all over the internet. In the postings, “Bugs” appeals to his character brethren to rise up “against the establishment” in the 2007 season, and strike back “on behalf of underappreciated characters everywhere." He goes on to promise that the midways “will run crimson with the blood of the great unwashed," and that he would personally be posting a generous bounty for every child’s tooth collected off the pavement.
Characters from other theme park companies, such as Cedar Fair’s Snoopy, Gulliver’s Theme Park’s Gully Mouse and Lotte World’s Papa Twunk declined to comment officially, although Kuku from the Jian Hu Shan amusement park did vigorously quiz this reporter about possible job openings at Six Flags.
Not surprisingly, this news caused very little stir at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. “Big f---ing deal," said a character identified as Marvin M. “We’ve been raisin’ our pimp hands to these little punks for years, so this s--t is old news to us.”
--CMV
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Enthusiast Comes This/Close To Getting Laid
In news that stunned the coaster community, a Lewisburg, Missouri enthusiast came this/close to engaging in sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex over the holiday season. Bradley Wolf, 26, was attending a party hosted by an acquaintance when the incident occurred.
“I was just minding my own business, looking through the host’s book collection to see if he had anything about Riverview Park or Coney Island,” Wolf said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “And then some hot little chick bumps into me and spills her Long Island Iced Tea all over my River King Mine Train shirt. She started apologizing and said how cool my “retro” shirt was, and asked if I bought it at Hot Topic. There was so much liquor coming off this girl’s breath, it made my eyeballs water.”
Wolf’s original plan to woo the tipsy young lady was quickly derailed. “I was just about to ask her what she thought about the loop being removed from Son of Beast, but she just started prattling on about a Nina Gordon concert she went to last week.”
As Wolf tells it, the topics of conversation began to veer wildly. “It was two minutes of how she hates people who watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thirty seconds about how she likes to rollerblade in the winter, and then a minute and a half about how Chris O’Donnell is the poorest actor of our generation. I kept trying to steer the conversation so I could talk about the new Euro Fighter going in at the Mall of America, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She just wouldn’t shut up.”
Wolf goes on to claim that the woozy young woman grasped on to his arm for stability, and claimed that she thought guys who are good listeners were “cute." She then slurred something that would have been drunkenly incoherent to most, but was crystal clear to Wolf.
“She asked me if I’d like to find an empty room upstairs, so she could show me some positive g’s,” Wolf said. “But before I could do anything about it, a few of her friends descended on her like a murder of crows, saying there were some ‘real’ guys she had to meet. I never saw her again.”
Wolf plans to heavily embellish his near-conquest on all of the 27 coaster forums that he posts on.
--CMV
In news that stunned the coaster community, a Lewisburg, Missouri enthusiast came this/close to engaging in sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex over the holiday season. Bradley Wolf, 26, was attending a party hosted by an acquaintance when the incident occurred.
“I was just minding my own business, looking through the host’s book collection to see if he had anything about Riverview Park or Coney Island,” Wolf said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “And then some hot little chick bumps into me and spills her Long Island Iced Tea all over my River King Mine Train shirt. She started apologizing and said how cool my “retro” shirt was, and asked if I bought it at Hot Topic. There was so much liquor coming off this girl’s breath, it made my eyeballs water.”
Wolf’s original plan to woo the tipsy young lady was quickly derailed. “I was just about to ask her what she thought about the loop being removed from Son of Beast, but she just started prattling on about a Nina Gordon concert she went to last week.”
As Wolf tells it, the topics of conversation began to veer wildly. “It was two minutes of how she hates people who watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thirty seconds about how she likes to rollerblade in the winter, and then a minute and a half about how Chris O’Donnell is the poorest actor of our generation. I kept trying to steer the conversation so I could talk about the new Euro Fighter going in at the Mall of America, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She just wouldn’t shut up.”
Wolf goes on to claim that the woozy young woman grasped on to his arm for stability, and claimed that she thought guys who are good listeners were “cute." She then slurred something that would have been drunkenly incoherent to most, but was crystal clear to Wolf.
“She asked me if I’d like to find an empty room upstairs, so she could show me some positive g’s,” Wolf said. “But before I could do anything about it, a few of her friends descended on her like a murder of crows, saying there were some ‘real’ guys she had to meet. I never saw her again.”
Wolf plans to heavily embellish his near-conquest on all of the 27 coaster forums that he posts on.
--CMV
Monday, December 18, 2006
ARN&R's Work Done By Others, Part 3,142
Hooray for Saphyria Park, where, as they say, "you can play all day and still wan-a stay!"
Just a couple of highlights. First, check out the About Us page, which is delightful, but not just for what you see in the text. Also check out the URL:
http://www.saphyriapark.com/park%20web%20site%20(dad%20update%20this%20one)_files/page0001.htm
Yes, that does say -- in the URL -- "Dad update this one."
And, while we'd love to order a shirt, the link is to something on someone's (we're guessing Dad's) C: drive, in particular in the "kids" file:
file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/kids/My%20Documents/Order%20Form.doc
Enjoy. And, once the park opens (in 2026), enjoy your visit there too. Hey, it's at least as realistic as some proposed parks we could name.
Hooray for Saphyria Park, where, as they say, "you can play all day and still wan-a stay!"
Just a couple of highlights. First, check out the About Us page, which is delightful, but not just for what you see in the text. Also check out the URL:
http://www.saphyriapark.com/park%20web%20site%20(dad%20update%20this%20one)_files/page0001.htm
Yes, that does say -- in the URL -- "Dad update this one."
And, while we'd love to order a shirt, the link is to something on someone's (we're guessing Dad's) C: drive, in particular in the "kids" file:
file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/kids/My%20Documents/Order%20Form.doc
Enjoy. And, once the park opens (in 2026), enjoy your visit there too. Hey, it's at least as realistic as some proposed parks we could name.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Turkmen Honing In On ARN&R Turf
Why, yes, we have been sort of quiet. Can you blame us when stories like this one exist? Why do we need to exist (don't answer that) when an actual news story includes this?
ASHGABAT, Turkmenistan: Authoritarian leader Saparmurat Niyazov on Friday formally opened an amusement park named after him.
We bow down to you, Saparmurat Nyazov.
Why, yes, we have been sort of quiet. Can you blame us when stories like this one exist? Why do we need to exist (don't answer that) when an actual news story includes this?
ASHGABAT, Turkmenistan: Authoritarian leader Saparmurat Niyazov on Friday formally opened an amusement park named after him.
We bow down to you, Saparmurat Nyazov.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Six Flags To Re-Theme Magic Mountain’s Scream
Six Flags officials announced this week that they would be revamping the area surrounding Scream!, the park’s Bolliger and Mabillard floorless coaster. Since its installation over an unsightly parking lot in 2003, the coaster has been the target of numerous complaints and countless internet forum topics. After reading scores of pleas to fill the area below the popular coaster with gravel, landscaping, or even cases of unsold Mr. Six merchandise, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro finally decided to take action.
After thanking a small contingent of media brave enough to enter the hellish environment of Magic Mountain’s entrance plaza, Shapiro outlined his plan. “We felt that we needed to do something special for our guests since Magic Mountain’s X will be non-operational for an undetermined amount of time, a situation completely out of our control, by the way,” Shapiro said, pausing as if waiting for a challenge to his statement.
Shapiro plans to re-brand the coaster “Superman: Kryptonite Island” in time for the summer 2007 season. Conceptual drawings, apparently done by on poster board by fourth-graders in a hurry, show a new red, blue, and yellow color scheme and coaster trains dotted with paper Superman stickers. But the themed area surrounding the coaster is what Shapiro is most proud of.
“Drawing on inspiration from the latest theatrical release Superman Returns, the entire coaster will take place over a detailed recreation of the jagged landmass that the evil Lex Luthor creates in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean,” Shapiro said. “Guests will swoop through rock canyons and around dangerous jagged obstacles in their attempt to escape the clutches of the villainous Luthor.
“It’ll be just like riding the movie. Universal Studios doesn’t use that phrase anymore, right?” he said, looking back at one of his aides for assurance.
When asked by an ARN&R reporter if he was just planning on haphazardly tearing up the parking lot’s asphalt as a cheap substitute for the “detailed recreation of the jagged landmass”, Shapiro looked visible distressed, complete with several involuntary bobs of his Adam’s apple. He called the claim “preposterous,” and said that anything that appeared to be remnants of yellow paint from parking spaces was just “traces of yellow Kryptonite”.
--CMV
Six Flags officials announced this week that they would be revamping the area surrounding Scream!, the park’s Bolliger and Mabillard floorless coaster. Since its installation over an unsightly parking lot in 2003, the coaster has been the target of numerous complaints and countless internet forum topics. After reading scores of pleas to fill the area below the popular coaster with gravel, landscaping, or even cases of unsold Mr. Six merchandise, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro finally decided to take action.
After thanking a small contingent of media brave enough to enter the hellish environment of Magic Mountain’s entrance plaza, Shapiro outlined his plan. “We felt that we needed to do something special for our guests since Magic Mountain’s X will be non-operational for an undetermined amount of time, a situation completely out of our control, by the way,” Shapiro said, pausing as if waiting for a challenge to his statement.
Shapiro plans to re-brand the coaster “Superman: Kryptonite Island” in time for the summer 2007 season. Conceptual drawings, apparently done by on poster board by fourth-graders in a hurry, show a new red, blue, and yellow color scheme and coaster trains dotted with paper Superman stickers. But the themed area surrounding the coaster is what Shapiro is most proud of.
“Drawing on inspiration from the latest theatrical release Superman Returns, the entire coaster will take place over a detailed recreation of the jagged landmass that the evil Lex Luthor creates in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean,” Shapiro said. “Guests will swoop through rock canyons and around dangerous jagged obstacles in their attempt to escape the clutches of the villainous Luthor.
“It’ll be just like riding the movie. Universal Studios doesn’t use that phrase anymore, right?” he said, looking back at one of his aides for assurance.
When asked by an ARN&R reporter if he was just planning on haphazardly tearing up the parking lot’s asphalt as a cheap substitute for the “detailed recreation of the jagged landmass”, Shapiro looked visible distressed, complete with several involuntary bobs of his Adam’s apple. He called the claim “preposterous,” and said that anything that appeared to be remnants of yellow paint from parking spaces was just “traces of yellow Kryptonite”.
--CMV
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Study: Majority Of SFGAmWorld Forum Posts Written At Second Grade Reading Level Or Below
After conducting his latest study of various amusement park fan site forums, noted psychologist Don Petersen announced this week that 79% of the posts in the SFGAmWorld forums are written at or near a second grade level of comprehension. The site eclipses the previous benchmark held by the forums at Theme Park Critic by a full three grade levels.
“SFGAmWorld’s forums are a wasteland of poor grammar and atrocious spelling,” said Petersen in a phone interview with ARN&R, “and repeat offenders are commonplace. The boards are populated by enthusiasts who misspell “enthusiast” in their signatures, overly smug moderators with a deity complex, and people who engage in discussion about Tom Cruise-themed attractions.”
Normally, Petersen’s conclusions are primarily based on the Flesch Kincaid Readability Test, but in this particular case, special conditions were factored in.
“Most park forums are littered with hebetudinous gibberish, and one should almost expect subpar fundaments.” said Petersen. “But in this case, the absurd subjects of most of the forum topics were taken into consideration. Multiple examples of idiocy can be easily found, such as topics discussing Mr. Six merchandise being marked down, fantasy musings about if Marriott still owned the park, and a thread about an insecure poster desperately yearning for attention.”
Petersen is currently planning a 2007 Fright Fest trip to the Gurnee, IL park for his University of Iowa psychology doctoral students. “It’ll be a fascinating experience, getting to see some of these forum members in the wild, so to speak.” Petersen said. “I’m sure I’ll be reading many dissertations about how much smarter they are than the general public and their unhealthy obsession with park performers.”
--CMV (Hey! Look! Send the hate mail directly to the author!)
After conducting his latest study of various amusement park fan site forums, noted psychologist Don Petersen announced this week that 79% of the posts in the SFGAmWorld forums are written at or near a second grade level of comprehension. The site eclipses the previous benchmark held by the forums at Theme Park Critic by a full three grade levels.
“SFGAmWorld’s forums are a wasteland of poor grammar and atrocious spelling,” said Petersen in a phone interview with ARN&R, “and repeat offenders are commonplace. The boards are populated by enthusiasts who misspell “enthusiast” in their signatures, overly smug moderators with a deity complex, and people who engage in discussion about Tom Cruise-themed attractions.”
Normally, Petersen’s conclusions are primarily based on the Flesch Kincaid Readability Test, but in this particular case, special conditions were factored in.
“Most park forums are littered with hebetudinous gibberish, and one should almost expect subpar fundaments.” said Petersen. “But in this case, the absurd subjects of most of the forum topics were taken into consideration. Multiple examples of idiocy can be easily found, such as topics discussing Mr. Six merchandise being marked down, fantasy musings about if Marriott still owned the park, and a thread about an insecure poster desperately yearning for attention.”
Petersen is currently planning a 2007 Fright Fest trip to the Gurnee, IL park for his University of Iowa psychology doctoral students. “It’ll be a fascinating experience, getting to see some of these forum members in the wild, so to speak.” Petersen said. “I’m sure I’ll be reading many dissertations about how much smarter they are than the general public and their unhealthy obsession with park performers.”
--CMV (Hey! Look! Send the hate mail directly to the author!)
Enthusiast Disappointed With Halloween Experience
A Georgia coaster enthusiast is considering giving up on Halloween after this year’s costume choice failed to go over like gangbusters. 27-year old Locust Grove native Nick Selack explained his disenchantment in an exclusive interview with ARN&R.
“I just got so sick of seeing people dressed up in stupid costumes,” said a despondent Selack. “Every year, there’s like a thousand pirates or ghosts. Nobody’s got any originality. So this year, I decided to try something cool.”
After spending countless hours scrutinizing Discovery Channel coaster specials, Selack dressed up as Park World editor Paul Reuben, complete with grey wig, glasses, and a custom-created copy of Reuben’s pseudo-magazine Park World. Selack headed out to a costume contest at a local bar with high hopes for an evening of admiration -- hopes which were dashed quickly.
“Nobody understood who I was supposed to be,” said Selack. “Most of the people thought I was dressed up as Dick Cheney, and some thought I was former Illinois governor George Ryan. I kept holding up the magazine, and saying ‘Park World! Park World! Don’t you get it?’ And then they kicked me out for causing a disturbance.”
Things didn’t get better for Selack after knocking on a few doors in his neighborhood. “Man, you’d think nobody ever watched a coaster special before! I even tried to drop a few subtle hints, telling people that their front door had the best themeing I’d ever seen, or that walking up their sidewalk was an exhilarating experience like none other in the world. Nothing worked. What a bunch of rubes.”
Susan Callahan, who lives four doors down from Selack, chimed in on the confusion. “He seems like an okay guy, but he got the Paul Reuben costume all wrong,” she said. “For one, he wasn’t wearing the grey suit with the red bow tie. And he just glared at me when I asked him what the word of the day was. I was about to ask if he still kept in touch with Laurence Fishburne, or if he’d punched his clown in a movie theatre recently, but he’d already stalked off by that point.”
--CMV
A Georgia coaster enthusiast is considering giving up on Halloween after this year’s costume choice failed to go over like gangbusters. 27-year old Locust Grove native Nick Selack explained his disenchantment in an exclusive interview with ARN&R.
“I just got so sick of seeing people dressed up in stupid costumes,” said a despondent Selack. “Every year, there’s like a thousand pirates or ghosts. Nobody’s got any originality. So this year, I decided to try something cool.”
After spending countless hours scrutinizing Discovery Channel coaster specials, Selack dressed up as Park World editor Paul Reuben, complete with grey wig, glasses, and a custom-created copy of Reuben’s pseudo-magazine Park World. Selack headed out to a costume contest at a local bar with high hopes for an evening of admiration -- hopes which were dashed quickly.
“Nobody understood who I was supposed to be,” said Selack. “Most of the people thought I was dressed up as Dick Cheney, and some thought I was former Illinois governor George Ryan. I kept holding up the magazine, and saying ‘Park World! Park World! Don’t you get it?’ And then they kicked me out for causing a disturbance.”
Things didn’t get better for Selack after knocking on a few doors in his neighborhood. “Man, you’d think nobody ever watched a coaster special before! I even tried to drop a few subtle hints, telling people that their front door had the best themeing I’d ever seen, or that walking up their sidewalk was an exhilarating experience like none other in the world. Nothing worked. What a bunch of rubes.”
Susan Callahan, who lives four doors down from Selack, chimed in on the confusion. “He seems like an okay guy, but he got the Paul Reuben costume all wrong,” she said. “For one, he wasn’t wearing the grey suit with the red bow tie. And he just glared at me when I asked him what the word of the day was. I was about to ask if he still kept in touch with Laurence Fishburne, or if he’d punched his clown in a movie theatre recently, but he’d already stalked off by that point.”
--CMV
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