Lakemont: "Screw History, We Want Some Money"
Altoona, Pennsylvania --- Lakemont Park, known largely for reopening the oldest still-operating coaster in the world, Leap the Dips, released a press release today entitled "Screw History, We Want Some Money." The essence of the release is that the park has decided to abandon any pretense of caring about coaster history and will be installing an all new set of rides for the 2003 season.
Reached for comment, Lakemont's spokesperson said, "Yeah, 'Leap the Dips' was great for us. We were able to collect a ton of money from the suckers, I mean enthusiasts, over at ACE. That paid for quite a few parties for the administrative staff, let me tell you. The actual restoration cost about twenty bucks. But here's some news for you -- the ride sucks! It has all the excitement of a new Corey Feldman movie and just about as much commercial potential. Oldest, schmoldest. We're going extreme."
Early plans indicate that the park will install a next-generation coaster from S&S Power as well as at least two Intamin coasters and a full complement of Huss Giant flat rides. The park will be renamed The Edge: The XXXTreme Park. Lumber from tearing down Leap the Dips is expected to be used to build dancing cages framing the new giant stage. The park is said to be in negotations with Kid Rock to open the season, and is expected to be the new regional home of Ozzfest.