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Bush Takes Tough Stance on Inspections

Tensions escalated today as United Nations inspectors were initially turned away by armed guards posted at the gates of Funtown Pier, a small amusement area located in Seaside Park, New Jersey. Observers fear this latest confrontation is yet one more step leading to an armed showdown between the United States and the shoreline entertainment zone.

President George W. Bush declared that he was “not encouraged” that Funtown Pier would acknowledge its high coaster G-forces and avert war. Bush delivered his assessment at a Pentagon press conference after U.N. inspectors reported continued difficulties in their search of suspected violators of New Jersey’s G-force limitations.

“The inspectors are in New Jersey to examine possible amusement violations, not to play Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose with the owners of this park,” the president said, apparently maintaining his hard line against Funtown Pier. He added: "These gravityational, er, gravitronitional . . . these forces of mass destruction must not stand. Make no mistake."

The U.S. government has long maintained that Funtown Pier’s Roller Coast Loop, a production-model Pinfari Zyklon with a single inversion, has gravitational forces in excess of New Jersey’s legal limitations. After much posturing and threats of exclusion from the park’s owners, U.N. inspectors were finally allowed their first tests on the ride late in the afternoon.

Although Canada, France, and Britain have all expressed desire for a peaceful resolution to the current crisis, United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated this evening at the White House that “a full regime change at Funtown Pier may be the only option the United States can now consider viable.”

--JCK