Jason Burkhett Discovers "Secret Ace Members A-List"
List Links ACE Leadership to Masonic Templars, Jews
The coaster world was rocked yesterday by the uncovering of a top secret, highly guarded ACE members "A-List."
Burkhett, also known as "Rastus O'Ginga" on Usenet news-groups, has long held and publicized his belief that an "A-List" existed.
"This discovery proves correct every post I have ever made on rec.roller-coaster," read a jubilant Burkhett in a prepared statement. "I have said all along that a secret list exists that determines which ACE members are invited to media days at parks and, incidentally, which control the entire world banking system. But I was shocked, shocked to discover that my suspicions only scratched the surface of the cover-up and international conspiracy."
The list, protected by vicious dogs, booby trapped passages, and a giant, living stone statue named "Galnor," was discovered in a musty, candle-lit room twenty levels beneath the castle of ACE Events Director Gary Baker.
In addition to proving an "A-List," Burkhett also claims the documents prove "an incredibly immense conspiracy" concerning Masonic Templars, Jews, and the assasination of JFK.
"Oh, and at the bottom it says that all ACE members are homo," Burkhett added.
Burkhett has further announced that he plans to release an analysis of this information, along with the document itself, in a book titled The Protocols of the Elders of ACE to be self-published this summer.
When asked if he ever considered the possibility that no one ever invited him to a media event or, indeed, anywhere due to his obnoxious and hate-filled posts on the internet, Burkhett replied, "Never for an instant did I suspect that was the case."
The internet, Jews, and Masonic Templars were unavailable as of press time for comment, leading this reporter to be convinced that Burkhett is absolutely correct.