Friday, July 09, 2004

Cheney Blames Edwards For Lame-Ass BORG Name

In a strongly-worded statement, Vice President Dick Cheney today blamed Democratic VP candidate John Edwards for what Cheney called "the totally lame-ass name for [relocated Vekoma flyer] BORG Assimilator at Paramounts Carowinds" in Edwards's home states of North and South Carolina.

"The fuzzyheaded liberal thinking of trial lawyer John Edwards leads to the abandonment of just fine names like Stealth and selection of something called BORG Assimilator," said Cheney, gesturing wildly and cursing regularly. "Idiot punks like trial lawyer Edwards just love this sort of thing and probably threatened to sue Paramount if they didn't name it BORG Assimilator. Goddamn trial lawyers."

"Did I mention that he's a trial lawyer?" Cheney added later. "He can go f*ck himself."

Edwards, running his hands through his luxurious head of hair, denied Cheney's charges. "I didn't have anything to do with the theming, though I wish I had, since the theming is all part of making one America. What Mr. Cheney may not understand is that my father worked in a mill, and that, as the son of a mill owner, I resent the idea that theming this roller coaster to a television show popular among those who work in mills is a bad idea."

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