Wednesday, July 28, 2004

National Millennium Force Publicly-Not-Fitting-in-Seat Nightmare Over

It's a beautiful day.  You just shelled out a ton of money to park at Cedar Point, enter Cedar Point, and buy lots of crap with Cedar Point logos on it.  You've been waiting in line for three hours to ride Millennium Force.  You've already made your own succulent gravy by stewing in the sun, your ears are numb from the booty music being blasted at you by the stupid line DJ, and your nerves are frazzled from pointing out dozens of inaccuracies in what the people around you are saying about roller coaster lift hill heights.  But sweet relief appears in front of you, as you approach the gate for the front seat.  That blessed, spectacular, and pant-creaming ride on MF looms seconds away.  Eagerly you board the train. 
And then, it happens.  You squirm, you struggle, you suck in that gut, you lop off body parts with that machete, but to no avail.  You simply won't fit in that Millennium Force car, with its damn new short seatbelt!
If this scenario causes you to awake late at night, sweating and screaming and shaking, then we have just the website for you.  Our Site O' the Weak, MF Test Seat Guide: Can You Fit? provides the valuable service of explaining, with helpful pictures and text, how to test yourself at home to see whether you fit in the MF seats, sparing you the mortal shame of being kicked off of this coaster in front of thousands because you can't squeeze in. 

More importantly, there are crotch shots for your viewing pleasure.

Despite repeated requests, we have been unable to ascertain whether, in the near future,  any coaster enthusiasts will be developing any home practice products for the following: pulling their shorts halfway up their chest, wearing black socks and flip-flops together, chanting "one more time, one more time" at ride ops at higher volume,  giving random uninterested strangers lectures on coaster manufacturers and brake types, or failing to get dates.


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