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Six Flags New England to Hire Restroom Attendant

Six Flags New England will hire its first ever restroom attendant in 2005, according to official park sources. The move, which many industry insiders consider long overdue, is part of the park's new "Focus on Customers and Stuff" Campaign.

"Really, we thought we'd been doing fine for the past decade or so without anyone sanitizing the bathrooms," said park spokesman Thad O'Baily. "It's pretty much a self-cleaning mechanism. If a toilet erupts in a giant brown geyser every now and then because it's clogged up, then that provides a natural cleansing action to any built-up grime that has accumulated throughout the day. And everything certainly has always smelled fresh enough, since we had a security guard dump fifteen or twenty urinal cakes in each urinal once in a while."

However, O'Baily noted that industry pressure had forced the park to spend "precious resources" on hiring someone to maintain its toilets. "Surveys have shown that people now want prettier parks that have a minimum of raw human excrement coursing through them," he said. "It used to be they wanted big roller coasters and awesome musical revues with dancing and jazz hands. But I guess times change. And sure, we can adjust to that. We can get someone to mop up your urine, semen, and ass juice once in a while. That's cool."

In a bold move, SFNE posted its want ad at Thrillnetwork, hoping to lure eager young coaster enthusiasts into sponging up gallons of bodily wastes for minimal pay.

Although the hiring of its first-ever restroom attendant is believed by the park to be a strong statement about its new focus on customer satisfaction, others are unsure. Among the doubters is season pass holder Fred Rittenhouse, 36, who says, "I don't know. There's gotta be ten bathrooms or more in the park. How can one guy keep all that clean? I guess that's better than not having any restroom attendants, since maybe, once in a while, I'll luck into visiting a bathroom that he just got to and avoid skidding through someone else's diarrhea puddle like normal, but it still seems like a token hire to me."

Those interested in serving as Six Flags New England's historic first restroom attendant are urged to apply promptly. Effluvia experience is highly recommended.

--JCK