Wednesday, November 23, 2005

King's Dominion Ride Renamed

In unexpected news, Paramount's King's Dominion announced today that it would be changing the name of its venerable Shockwave roller coaster. Although the big news at the park will be the opening of its new Italian Job roller coaster, management representatives indicated that it was important to spruce up the image of some of the classic older rides at the park in order to keep interest in them at their typically high level.

Beginning with the 2006 season, the former Shockwave, an innovative standup looping design by Japanese manufacturer TOGO, will be known as the De-Testiculator. A new paint job and signage will accompany the switch.

"When we debated a new name for this wonderful attraction, we thought carefully about what Shockwave has meant to us and our visitors over the past decades," stated a portion of the announcement. "And we realized that the thing that stands out about the ride is its majestically aggressive restraint system. The chest-crushing things you hook your arms through, the sharp, thin anal probe, and of course the signature gonad-obliterating lap bar- all of them combine to create one of the planet's sublime masterpieces."

Other names considered for De-Testiculator included Groin Master, Ball Crusher, Crotch Shredder, Scrotum Hater, and The C*ck Punch.


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