Tuesday, February 27, 2007

ValleyFair changes name to Trim Brake Kingdom

Shakopee, Minn, Feb 27 - Under recommendation by Cedar Fair Entertainment Company--and their new ‘clear and sensible’ policy of renaming parks-- ValleyFair announced it will operate as Trim Brake Kingdom. The name change will transition throughout the park’s season beginning May 12, 2007.

Alan Schwartz, the park’s VP and general manager explained, “Frankly, we’ve always operated as the Trim Brake Capital. I’m sorry--of the PLANET,“ adding the final three words after a poke in the ribs from a CF board member we won‘t name. “Where do you start? Excalibur’s record-setting first drop brakes? The one that massacres High Roller’s return run? Let’s not forget we replaced a classic Schwarzkopf mouse with a ride sporting five times the trims,” he continued, bouncing in his seat while rubbing his hands with glee. “While the park name will change, our commitment to killing all forward momentum? Same as it always was.”

But that’s not the only addition guests will enjoy this season. “Screechy,” a six-foot tall walking--and often erratically halting--caliper brake mascot will debut at the park this season. The Gazebo Stage show musical, “STOP…in the name of What?” will move the audience with a medley of songs. Just not too much in one direction at any given time. And the IMAX theater’s new film, “The Ride is Coming to a Stop Again--Why, God? Why?” will explore the history and future of braking technology while the usual occupants nod to sleep.

Other Cedar Fair ‘clear and sensible’ name changes are bound to follow. Las Vegas’s Star Trek: The Experience is expected to add Clusterfuck: The Ultimate Ferengi Ripoff, which will actually be a large neon sign pointing to the admission booths. While Screamscape also reports the addition of ‘premium’ stalls for kicking one’s own ass after spending $40 for all of two rides, this may be little more than enthusiast fantasy.



  1. Anonymous7:50 AM

    This is one of the best pieces of "hard news" in a long time... a good "back to basics" story.

  2. Anonymous11:39 AM

    I recognize those inscrutable initials...LOL!

  3. Wow, The BOYCOTT must be working. This is the first true article they've printed in a long time.

    I LIKE IT! keep up the good work.

    Funky against ARN&R hounding on parks but parks that deserve it, (Unlike Williams Grove, HW and others) Should get a little negative press.

  4. I don't get it. I searched all over the 'net and couldn't find anything else about this name change. I know this article wasn't intended as a joke because it isn't even remotely funny and may very well be the dumbest thing I've ever had the displeasure of reading. In summary, this article was very coastertoolsish (if I can make up a new word).


  5. Now that JCK is with us... well.


  6. Anonymous6:43 PM

    Maybe it's because you let JCK in the door that your side-bar links are sagging.


  7. Anonymous10:51 PM

    I thought only funny stories were supposed to be published?