Thursday, October 18, 2007

Medical Community Battles Sudden Endemic Amongst Enthusiasts

Emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ’s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.” said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. “On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I’ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.”

As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. “The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.” said Petersen. “Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.”

Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.

“ARN&R’s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.” Petersen said. “The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they…ahem…‘got wood’ that simply would not subside.

“How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I’ll never understand. It’s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.”

Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated “Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!”



  1. This article is sick and I'm saddened it's in any way connected to the coaster community.

    I'm also saddened this site is still going and is still connected to the coaster community.

    I'm also saddened with the state of much of the coaster community if they're still reading this site.

    I'm also saddened by the blatant usage of stereotypes about coaster people in the coaster community.

    There are many other things I'm saddened about. I'll get to the rest of them later.


  2. Anonymous11:07 AM

    I'm sick and saddened you're still on this site, despite saying all of that. I'm sick and saddened that I have to be associated with people like you. I think it's time you actually leave.

  3. I'm not going to leave because I just got back. I'm saddened someone would tell me to leave when I just got back.


  4. Anonymous9:02 AM

    Leave and be saddened.


  5. Anonymous11:49 AM

    I am back! Woohoo! Actually the "other" site reminded me just how awesome this site is, and vice versa. :)

  6. Anonymous1:33 PM

    And here I though you'd given up on your little crusade. You're like literary herpes.

    On a more serious note, welcome back, boycotters. Always a pleasure.

  7. We have all new technology. Even though it's not really that new. Well, it's technology. Sort of.
    You'll see. A lot of people think it's really great - they told me. At least some did.


  8. Anonymous9:27 AM

    I...uh...can't wait?

    Or something like that.

  9. Anonymous9:07 AM

    americansagainst got a new pocket masturbation device.

  10. Anonymous10:48 AM

    That's sick. I'm saddened people would think with such sickness. Our site is family friendly. Mostly. Unless someone posts unfriendly things about my family or something like that.


  11. Anonymous9:31 AM

    That free trip is too good to be true... I'm sure there's a catch, like "submit" yourself by bending over or something.