Kiddie Park Cancels Installation

ANR&R has learned that Memphis Kiddie Park in Brooklyn, Ohio has been forced to cancel its planned installation of the Super Duper Dipper, which was to have been a record-breaking 560 foot tall, 17,637 feet long hyper-giga floorless looping launched out-and-back coaster.

The Intamin-built coaster, which was to have been completed as a pleasant surprise for CoasterCon XXVII attendies, to go along with the 3 picnics!, 4 breakfasts!, and 2 receptions!, had a planned layout that was to have started at the Kiddie Park, go over Memphis Avenue, through the American Greetings headquarters, through a dramatic heartline spin between the screens of the Memphis Drive-In Movie theater, and touring around most of the neighboring village of Linndale before finally coming to rest at the station.

"We were hoping that this would be an exciting addition to the Park. But the speed limit through neighboring Linndale is only 25mph. In order to have afforded the speeding fines, the ticket prices would have had to be set at $177 per ride," said an official at Memphis Kiddie Park, who wished to remain nameless because her route home takes her through the same Linndale speed trap adjacent to the planned coaster route. "We installed the Little
Dipper in 1952 and we thought it was about time that we updated our image."

Memphis Kiddie Park's new ride this year will instead be a Huss Mini-Frisbee.

The only maps and drawings of the abandoned coaster installation were released to CoasterBuzz, the management of which refused to release them on the grounds that it might fuel unnecessary speculation.

--RAP

New Safety Rules Prevent Carousel Injuries

Following the tragic accident on their Superman: Ride of Steel rollercoaster, Six Flags New England has decided to get tough in addressing patron and industry concerns about its dedication to customer safety, says a park rep.

Chief among the new safety measures is the system now being used on the notorious and deadly Carousel of Death at SFNE. Says the rep, "while passengers in days long past, such as last season, had to just sit on their horse or tiger or marmot and face the utter peril of going in a circle at about two miles per hour, we have now created a foolproof system to protect guests as they experience this terrifying and dangerous ride."

The new system consists of a tight seatbelt, which all guests are required to use, and then a ride op individually tells each passenger that he or she must keep two hands on the pole at all times or risk being removed from the ride. "Some people think it's a little drastic to have such severe safety measures on a ride that is essentially incapable of causing so much as a scratched knee due to its low speed and predictable lack of forces," said the rep. "Well, tell me this: has anyone been injured on the Carousel of Death since we enacted these procedures? No. So it works just fine."

The rep added that the new system was only in the test phase, and if ride ops noticed anyone commiting a severe violation of the rules, such as shifting in his or her seat of removing one of the two required hands from the pole to scratch an itch, then more severe measures would be used for the Carousel of Death.

"First, we'll hogtie all the passengers, and stick them on a bench where they can view the empty carousel going in circles. Then, if that doesn't work, we'll hogtie them and then staple them to the benches where they can view the empty carousel going in circles, at least until they pass out from the pain and blood loss. Then, as a last resort, we'll just start assigning seats or something."

--JCK

Bush Orders Demolition of Illinois Coaster

In a little-noticed portion of his Monday-night address, President Bush ordered the destruction of Typhoon, a coaster at Dundee, Illinois-based Santa's Village, citing what he described as "years of pain and torture."

"The evildoers at Top Fun, when designing this coaster, clearly were working in conjunction with the axis of evil," said Bush. "From the intense pain created by the ride's over-the-shoulder restraints to the transitions that were evidently designed by brain-damaged monkeys, this ride is anti-American. It will be a proud day for the decent people of Illinois when it is torn down."

The Bush administration is also reportedly considering targeting the headquarters of Vekoma with a small tactical nuclear warhead.

Enthusiast Not So Enthusiastic

When asked to name his favorite rides, enthusiast John Harkoff proceeded to proclaim a disdain for nearly every attraction located in an amusement park.

"Well, I don't like most flat rides, because I don't like spinning." reported Harkoff. "And I don't like water rides at all. I hate getting wet."

"I like steel coasters," continued Harkoff, "except Vekoma Boomerangs. I won't go on those. Or Vekoma SLCs. I hate SLCs. Or anything by Togo. God, Togo coasters really suck. Oh, I pretty much dislike every Arrow multilooper."

When it was explained to Harkoff that he had discounted 50% of the steel roller coasters in America, Harkoff shrugged, before adding, "I love wood coasters. Except old violent ones. I don't really like violent old wood coasters." Harkoff concluded, unintentionally discounting 70% of wooden roller coasters in the country. He also noted an aversion to wood coasters of any age with lots of lateral movement, and any wooden coaster exceeding 127 feet in height.

When asked what Harkoff does like to do in an amusement park, Harkoff paused for a long time before answering, "Bitch." Harkoff reported. "I really enjoy bitching."

Harkoff then proceeded to thank Six Flags for "contributing so much to what I most enjoy doing in my hobby."

--MOS

Enthusiasts Call on Political Clout to Re-Open LeSourdsville Lake

Monroe, OH: Grass roots supporters campaigning to reopen the tragedy-stricken LeSourdsville Lake amusement park have decided to take their case straight to the top. This ARN&R reporter was privy to an exclusive email being circulated among Ohio area coaster enthusiasts:

Fellow “Save LSL” members, it’s time to get serious. We have to attract the attention of a leader who can do something about our problems. A leader who has always supported us and the enthusiast community. At last, we have our opportunity to speak to the most powerful man in Ohio: Mayor McCheese. I’ve heard that the Mayor himself will be working out of his Monroe area office, near the Ohio 63-Interstate 75 interchange. If we can bring our “Save LSL” petition and message, it’s a sure thing that he will listen to us. We need to make a bold statement – so please let’s all meet at 7 PM in the PlayPlace, near the ball crawl. At that time we can organize and protest outside of the Mayor’s office, which is believed to be accessed via a secret door in the men’s room. See you there – and until then, keep the faith!

While the meeting is being advertised in local papers to gather interested parties, the fact that organization leaders plan to approach Mayor McCheese is being kept a secret from the general public. “The fact that the Mayor will be there is my own ‘special sauce,’” said representative Scott Fowler. “I don’t want a bunch of people to show up just because they want to see the Mayor or bring their own issues about the rampant hamburgling that has been happening in nearby towns.” When looked at with raised eyebrows, Fowler grew indignant, saying, “What? Why are you looking at me like that? Your skepticism is what is keeping this great theme park down!” and ended the interview.

--MMS

You Mildly Tolerate Us! You Really Mildly Tolerate Us!

Well, amongst all of the nasty, bad things all these people are saying about us, there is some evidence that three or four people out there actually enjoy our website!

-We are pleased to announce that ARN&R has received the 2004 Northern Exposure Award for Best Coaster Site (Besides WC, of course). This is our first award since being named the Onride Central Site of the Month in February 2003, though our longtime fan probably remembers that we are often nominated for and soundly crushed in the yearly Coasterbuzz awards. Our thanks to Lucas Meeker for the Northern Exposure Award.

-We've never won anything at Rec.Roller-Coaster. However, at least a few people there think we're funny.

-Although we've been suffering mightily from that terrifying Anti-ARN&R Petition, which obviously consists entirely of signatures added by people who are completely serious about the petition, we're pleased to see that some nice folks have created a Petition Against the Petition Against ARN&R. Sadly, it appears that the original petition is much more fun to play with...only two people have signed the new one as of this writing, one of which is an ARN&R writer who already happily signed the petition against himself, and the other is a known crack addict.

Paramount's King's Dominion to Pay Close Attention to Thrill Nerds

The need among amusement park enthusiasts to send silly petitions is definitely a disease that's catching lately. Aside from the anti-ARN&R petition started by WildOne, which is having a really tremendous effect on shutting down ARN&R and reducing its massive revenue stream, another group has decided to make its mark and bring about change for humanity through its petition: the Thrill Nerds. Yes, you read that right. The Thrill Nerds. At least they don't pretend to be anything they aren't.

Got a beef with Paramount's King's Dominion? Pay close attention to the Thrill Nerds:

All you have to do to participate is get as many people as you can to write all the things that they cant stand or dislike about the park, and what they think they should do to improve and maybe gain that persons attendance to the park...these will all be organized into a LONG list of things and there write ups that you wrote, and will be sent to Kings Dominion. With Kings Dominions replies we will be organizing them yet again into a petition and have as many people as we can get to sign it to say they should do something.

The directions on the site go on to elaborate on the rules for sending complaints to PKD:

All write ups must have at least 5 things that a person has noticed that needs improvement with the parks and all 5 must have there way to fix the problem. The more problems the better

Indeed, the more problems the better. We've always found that sending a huge list of bitches and moans to a major corporate entity gets a prompt and courteous response. Volume is the key to gaining respect.

Of course, you may also "feel free to write along with your bad things some positive impute for the park to here. they will like that."

At ARN&R, we always enjoy our "positive impute," and tend to be very concerned with readers who send hate mail listing thousands of ways they would like to see us die, just so long as they tell us something nice, too, like we use the phrase "coaster tools" the right amount or that we're exceedinly physically attractive. We're sure PKD will be easily seduced into fixing every stupid complaint the Thrill Nerds have because they get warm fuzzies after someone throws in the comment that "I hate dozens of things about your park, but your Vulcans are sexier than ever this season."

Don't forget, be sure to list every single thing you can possibly think of that you don't like about PKD, go to our Site O' the Weak, and tell the Thrill Nerds what you think. King's Dominion will undoubtedly be quivering in its boots and filling its underwear within mere days.

--JCK

Six Flags New England Challenges Agawam Postal Workers To Softball Game

In a recent gesture of workplace bonding and camaraderie, the Six Flags New England staff challenged the Agawam postal workers to a nine inning softball game. The game, which began on Sunday morning, lasted 17 hours and concluded in a draw upon both sides realizing they had not appointed anyone to keep score. Each team cited numerous reasons for the inability of the game to reach a swift conclusion.

"Well, first of all the Agawam Postal Workers were five hours late," reported Six Flags Ride Operations Manager Ted Gainey, "and that was fine, as all of us at Six Flags understand being a little late. Then, after the game got started, there were a few delays."

Some of the delays included:

* The Six Flags ride operators took approximately ten to fifteen minutes to walk from batters area to home plate, often checking their bats while batting upwards of five times for no apparent reason while everyone waited for them to play.

* The switch from offense to defense would take up to one hour as each side demanded much-needed "ciggie breaks."

* Six Flags, in a cost saving gesture, insisted on using a single baseball for the entire game, forcing long delays after every home run and foul ball.

* Six Flags spent significant periods of time arguing that the field would be cost much less to maintain if the distances between the bases were reduced to approximately eight feet and baserunners were required to slow down dramatically any time they approached a sprint.

* The Agawam Postal Workers were often delayed on defense due to the players consistently losing their own gloves and various other equipment, causing them to either go to the store to buy new ones or stop play until they found them, often finding them in unlikely and absurd places.

Both team captains denied the charge that the reason for the length of the game was due to both teams' players being "lazy, incompetent bastards."

--MOS

Join the Struggle Against ARN&R!

ARN&R is proud to announce that it has formally joined the battle against, well, ARN&R, in two ways.

First, we have formally signed the petition and urge you to do so as well. We can only hope that we will take our views seriously when we receive the petition with our signature on it.

Second, we have provided you several opportunities to pay us money in exchange for products that urge others not to pay us money. Go to the shop and check 'em out! We've got a shirt, a trucker hat, and a badass sticker.

Fight the power! Or at least buy a cheap sticker!

Flat Ride Debuts at Paramount's King's Dominion

A day long-awaited arrived at Paramount's King's Dominion yesterday, as the park unveiled its new signature flat ride, Sir Mix-A-Lot. The heavily-themed Zamperla Mixer is located on a platform above the park's signature Lake Charles. Unlike other rides in the park, Sir Mix-A-Lot will not be a part of any themed land, but is intended to stand alone as its own entity.

"Although the basic ride flips passengers around in time-tested ways, the extensive theming is what makes our ride unique," said PKD public relations director Flapjack Fishhead. "Note that the entire ride is custom-shaped to look like a nice, big, juicy, meaty, round ass. Park guests will just be beggin' for a piece of that bubble, don't you think?"

"This ride looks totally awesome," said theme park lover Thad Marks, 49. "It really looks like it's down to get the friction on. It's themed great, and it has lots of speed and a long ride cycle. It turns around and sticks you out. Even white boys got to shout!"

The site of the new ride had long been rumored as the eventual home of a second coaster that would intertwine with the nearby Ananconda, an Arrow four-looper. When asked whether this second rumored coaster might have been a better fit for the area than a booty-themed flat ride, Riddell held up a hand and informed reporters that "my Anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns."

"Ungh!" he added.

Aside from the extensive butt theming of Sir Mix-A-Lot, the ride also features a clear observation wall completely surrounding the ride, so that, according to Fishhead, excited guests can "put 'em on the glass" if they feel so inclined.

--JCK