Ultimate Rollercoaster Fires English Professor

As full-time Associate Professor of English at Ultimate Rollercoaster, Dr. James Wilton had a good job, benefits, and lots of time off in the summer. That all changed when he was unceremoniously fired for gross incompetence this week, just two years from achieving tenure. Now the formerly beloved teacher will be forced to seek work elsewhere, always carrying this blemish on his record.

"I did what I could," said a distraught Wilton, as he somehow packed all of his office belongings into one cardboard box. "I assumed that, with my dedicated help, many of these youngsters would eventually be able to spell and use English grammar in a way that made their posts somewhat comprehensible. I even thought I might get some of our problem cases to be able to write at a first or even second grade level within a year or two. But I failed. I failed miserably."

According to an administration official who asked not to be identified, there had been "ample evidence" of Wilton's failures as an English professor on display in thousands of illegible URC posts visible to the general public over the past year. However, the move to fire the teacher was only made when the particularly galling "Gwazi at Busch Gardens Tampa Florida" thread was recently discovered by URC officials.

Among the atrocities against the English language cited by URC administrators were the following actual quotes from the thread:

That ride is really cool best wooden rollercoaster I have ever rided on!!! Who has rided it and agrees with me?

Is it a Jeckel and Heide Coaster?

...one park KNOWS how to operate there ride & maitenance it...

the ride your talking about is no fun it is really dumb I like Gwazi

"I've never said this in two decades of teaching English," said Wilton. "But it just might be that there is no hope for some of these posters. The children may be our future, you may teach them well, but maybe you don't want them leading the way."

"If that Ultimate Rollercoaster thread is what got me fired, the least you can do is make it the Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Site O' the Weak," added Wilton, just before leaving his office forever.

--JCK (From an Idea by WDL)

ARN&R: Minor Local Celebrity Gossip Clearing House

We recently received the following message at ARN&R's contact email from someone named Kaye Hard. We swear we have reprinted it verbatim below:

While watching the news tonight, John Tracy was teasing Meghan about being at the station 24 hours and she commented something about not much of a wife. Has she remarried? Thank you, a faithful listener.

Naturally, ARN&R makes it a point of pride to know all about the personal lives of obscure Alaskan news reporters. Of course we know whether or not Meghan has remarried. We just don't feel like telling you. Frankly, your deep interest in the subject is a little stalkerrific for our taste. So sorry. Thank you for playing, and please pick up your consolation surprises backstage.

--JCK

Six Flags Elitch Gardens Clarifies Name of New Ride

Excited patrons of Six Flags Elitch Gardens learned earlier this week that there would be the addition of a thrilling new "extreme water ride" to the park this year. Unfortunately, the actual name of the new attraction was released improperly by SFEG, according to the park. Although the waterslide was announced as "EDGE," apparently that is only part of its full moniker.

"It's the darndest thing," said Elitch Gardens spokesman Chase Figgins. "We thought we had everything ready to go, but someone must have accidentally cut off half of the press release when they made photocopies. The announcement therefore said we were calling our new ride 'EDGE,' but it was supposed to be 'EDGE of Seventeen.' And the press release mentioned all the thrills of the ride itself, but due to the photocopying mistake, the thrilling discussion of the attraction's elaborate theming was also left out."

According to Figgins, the entire ride will be themed to resemble a massive white winged dove, while the "hard-pumping rock hits" of Stevie Nicks will blast from loudspeakers installed in the ride's rafts themselves. Ride operators will be clad entirely in leather and lace.

"This ride is going to be a landslide of thrills," said the park rep. "When people ride it, I guarantee they're going to be yelling 'ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh.'"

-JCK

Paramount Parks Announce New Height Limits

Earlier today, a statement was issued by Paramount Parks outlining new height restrictions on many of its rides beginning with the 2005 season. Most wood coasters in the chain, whether junior models or adult rides, will see a substantial increase in these restrictions over the norm of the past several years, meaning that some parents may be surprised to find that their children will not be permitted on rides they experienced last year.

The chain-wide height restriction for all junior wood coasters, such as the Beastie and the Happy Scrappy Hero Pup (formerly the Scooby Doo Coaster), will now be 72 inches, while adult coasters such as Rebel Yell, the Hurlers, and Son of Beast will be 82 inches.

According to a representative of the chain, "it will undoubtedly be disappointing to youngsters who are suddenly unable to ride some of the favorite classic coasters in our parks. However, we review our safety protocol each year, and it seemed wisest in light of the forces generated by roller coasters only to let grownups and larger children board these high-speed attractions in the future. Children too small for these rides can certainly look forward to the day they become big enough boys and girls to get on the rides, a fact that may actually increase anticipation and excitement for our attractions."

--JCK

Brittany Lynn Has Competition

Our girl Brit really made a name for herself with her incomprehensible AOL-speak and bizarre grammar, but apparently she's developed some competition, in the form of a new poster at Rec.Roller-Coaster. With comments like "I just joined here. Ne1 wanna have a carnival ride chat?" RRC member kilbourne_kisses is making a real run at destroying the English language. We're pretty sure this is just a troll's prank, but, hey, we think it's hilarious whether it's fake or real, so we'll make it the Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Further posts from kilbourne_kisses include one where she purrs, one where she can't glean basic facts from an article, and one where she decides the conversation at RRC is a little beneath her intellectual level and leaves. Or maybe she stops trolling. Whichever. We don't care.]

Quassy Bolts Toilet Tank Lids Down

At amusement parks around the country, employees are arriving to begin the process of refurbishing and freshening up parks in preparation for the hordes of guests that will begin arriving in a few short weeks. Flowers are being planted, walkways repaired, fresh coats of paint applied, dirty areas hosed down. But the workers at Connecticut's little Quassy Amusement Park have an extra task to attend to: bolting down the upper tank lids in the restrooms.

The reason for this unusual step? It's to avoid a repeat of a terrifying series of upper decking incidents that befell the small park at the end of last season.

"It was horrible," says Quassy employee Michael Hirsch. "One day in late August I smelled this horrible smell coming from the bathroom. It reeked like a slaughterhouse, man. So I went in to check it out. Guess what? Some jerkoffs had upper decked every sit-down toilet in both the women's and men's rooms!"

"Bunch of savages in this town," he added, frustrated.

Also known as "upper-tanking," "top loading," or "going top shelf," upper decking is a nefarious practice where a person defecates into the top water tank of a toilet, turning the clean water supply of the toilet into what one expert labels "an endless river of shit."

The upper deckers returned to Quassy at least six more times during the remainder of the season. According to employees, each incident caused them to waste up to seventeen hours cleaning the restrooms, though the unholy stench itself generally hovered over the entire town of Middlebury for up to an additional six days following each decking occurrence. For that reason, the park invested substantial funds this season in giant padlocks and chains for each toilet. The chains will be bolted to massive steel pipes drilled two hundred feet into the bedrock to better thwart young hooligans from breaking their way into the water tanks.

"We had a bunch of money we were going to use to build a 300-foot tall launched B&M with twelve inversions," said one distressed park employee who asked not to be named. "But every cent of it had to go into this new upper deck deterrent system. Let that be a lesson to anyone else out there who feels like plopping one upstairs...we all suffer when we upper deck."

--JCK

Beg To Differ

Do they really have to make it so easy?



Fun! Interesting! Exciting! Cool! Inexplicably into pictures with over-the-shoulder restraints!

Why Do All The Wackos Come Here?

To those who came across our site while searching for "hairy boys," we're sorry we couldn't help you with your bizarre and more-than-slightly-creepy fetish. May we direct you to the Coaster Bears instead?

To those who found us while looking for a "76 Chevy Vega," please stop. Trust us from personal experiences when we were youngsters, you don't want this. Really.

And finally, to whoever visited our site hoping to find "metric assloads in imperial assloads," we extend our thanks for making us laugh harder than we have in probably five or six weeks.

--JCK

To Hell With Their Dignity

Following a busy tour schedule in 2004 Stryper recently sat back and reflected with ARN&R on their illustrious career. Their datebook was packed full in 2004 with one Disney booking. With a concert scheduled at Rye Playland for the Jews for Jesus "Oy-Fest 2005" they have already equaled the number of events from last year.

After we prayed together (I prayed for that Bambi chick to be working a double shift at the Snatch Trap tonight while they mumbled something about salvation through Christ) brothers Michael and Robert Sweet rapped with me about Jesus, life and keeping it real. Michael said that although they are a washed up act with only one well-known song, he loves the roar of the crowd when Stryper (which stands for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness, which in this reporter's eyes makes them pussies) takes the stage.

"It is such an awesome feeling," said Sweet. "You just get up there and you can feel the love of everyone in that room. I know God is rocking out with us. How could he not love a song called "To Hell With the Devil?!?" After I noted that God tends to not like ball-less vapid pop metal Sweet just smiled and told me to keep the faith.

For 2006 the group is hoping to book Six Flags over St. Louis' Old Glory Amphitheater, but doesn't know if they will be able to get the spot. "That venue is difficult to nail down sometimes," said guitarist Oz Fox. "We were hoping to tag it for '05, but Men Without Hats is having a reunion tour and it was just too hard for the park to juggle us both." We only hope that Stryper does get that job because everyone at ARN&R loves rocking with Jesus.

God Bless,
FMB

Six Flags New England to Hire Restroom Attendant

Six Flags New England will hire its first ever restroom attendant in 2005, according to official park sources. The move, which many industry insiders consider long overdue, is part of the park's new "Focus on Customers and Stuff" Campaign.

"Really, we thought we'd been doing fine for the past decade or so without anyone sanitizing the bathrooms," said park spokesman Thad O'Baily. "It's pretty much a self-cleaning mechanism. If a toilet erupts in a giant brown geyser every now and then because it's clogged up, then that provides a natural cleansing action to any built-up grime that has accumulated throughout the day. And everything certainly has always smelled fresh enough, since we had a security guard dump fifteen or twenty urinal cakes in each urinal once in a while."

However, O'Baily noted that industry pressure had forced the park to spend "precious resources" on hiring someone to maintain its toilets. "Surveys have shown that people now want prettier parks that have a minimum of raw human excrement coursing through them," he said. "It used to be they wanted big roller coasters and awesome musical revues with dancing and jazz hands. But I guess times change. And sure, we can adjust to that. We can get someone to mop up your urine, semen, and ass juice once in a while. That's cool."

In a bold move, SFNE posted its want ad at Thrillnetwork, hoping to lure eager young coaster enthusiasts into sponging up gallons of bodily wastes for minimal pay.

Although the hiring of its first-ever restroom attendant is believed by the park to be a strong statement about its new focus on customer satisfaction, others are unsure. Among the doubters is season pass holder Fred Rittenhouse, 36, who says, "I don't know. There's gotta be ten bathrooms or more in the park. How can one guy keep all that clean? I guess that's better than not having any restroom attendants, since maybe, once in a while, I'll luck into visiting a bathroom that he just got to and avoid skidding through someone else's diarrhea puddle like normal, but it still seems like a token hire to me."

Those interested in serving as Six Flags New England's historic first restroom attendant are urged to apply promptly. Effluvia experience is highly recommended.

--JCK