Busch Gardens Trumpet Player Sets Sights on Met Opera Orchestra
Following what he called his "totally dominating" performance over the first weekend of Busch Gardens Williamsburg operations, Starlight Orchestra Third Trumpet Steve Cupples announced his future plans to enthusiastic observers. "I'm way too damn good for this sorry-ass gig," said Cupples, a first-year Music Therapy student at Christopher Newport University. "I'm ready to ditch these lowbrows and let the rest of the music world feel my thunder."
Next month, Cupples will be taking off from work for the weekend to take the Principal Trumpet audition for the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, considered to be among the finest orchestras on the planet.
"Those bitches didn't know what hit 'em," said Cupples. "I was bustin' out those triple high C's, ripping off those solos like the unholy love child of Maynard and Miles. Not a single splee-ya, no fracks, no cracks, just a smooth, awesome tone that blasted the horn players over like fields of wheat. The audience loved my ass, yo."
Experts report that the trumpet audition for the Met will likely draw over four hundred candidates, half of whom will be eliminated by tape audition before several high-pressure rounds of solos and orchestral excerpts determine the finalists. Dozens of professionals and students fresh out of Juilliard, the Peabody Conservatory, and the Eastman School are expected to compete for the job considered one of the most difficult in the classical music business to win. But Cupples is unconcerened.
"Those bitches can't keep up with me," he says. "My weekend of experience as a real professional, working as third trumpet in an amusement-park big band show, will intimidate those conservatory punks into submission. The only thing I need to decide is whether to just accept the Met job when I win it, or whether I should wait until the Cleveland Symphony and Vienna Phil make better offers, so I can play all those stupid bitches off each other for more dough."
"Generally, orchestra musicians with decent jobs practiced for hours a day from a very young age and went to top music schools," said Amy Schwartz Moretti, Florida Orchestra Concertmaster and frequent solo artist, in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "I've never heard of some guy winning a major orchestra gig after one weekend of playing whole notes for a band at an amusement park, but I guess it could happen. Heck, it sure would've saved me a lot of time if I'd done it that way!"
When asked to comment on Cupples's chances at the upcoming audition, visitors to the Italy section of Busch Gardens Williamsburg reported that the third trumpet player was "pretty loud," "had a high, piercing tone quality," "made weird farty sounds more than actual pitches," and "blended poorly with the trombones."
--JCK
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
Tatooine Traders Offers New Gift Items
Reeling from poor sales the past several quarters, the Tatooine Traders store at Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park has announced a new series of gift items that is hoped to draw more customers to the shop.
"Although the Star Tours ride empties directly into the Tatooine Traders, we have seen sales lag more and more," noted park rep E. Chauncy VanBentheusen III recently. "The fact that the ride seems increasingly more lame with each passing year perhaps plays a small role in the lack of sales at Tatooine Traders, but an additional problem is that we got rid of all the exotic gifts like the rare comics and obscure books and vintage materials from the original trilogy and just decided to sell obnoxious Jar Jar crap."
VanBentheusen added, "We now see this mistake, and we plan to add unique and creative items to entice the big Star Wars fans to buy more useless junk here and keep the store in business."
An asisstant to VanBentheusen then unveiled the new product line, a spectacular set of mugs, T-shirts, and jock straps intricately themed to the popular "Chewbacca Ate My Balls!" website.
"We're expecting hordes of people clogging the store now," said VanBentheusen. "Who wouldn't want a T-shirt with a picture of Chewbacca saying 'Your Balls Are MINE!!'?
"That's a rhetorical question," he added, after pausing dramatically.
Tatooine Traders expects to have the shipments of the new gift items in stock within the next week. VanBentheusen further noted that, if the venture proved profitable, the shop might further expand with "Luke Ate My Balls" and "Ewoks Ate My Balls" products.
--JCK
Reeling from poor sales the past several quarters, the Tatooine Traders store at Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park has announced a new series of gift items that is hoped to draw more customers to the shop.
"Although the Star Tours ride empties directly into the Tatooine Traders, we have seen sales lag more and more," noted park rep E. Chauncy VanBentheusen III recently. "The fact that the ride seems increasingly more lame with each passing year perhaps plays a small role in the lack of sales at Tatooine Traders, but an additional problem is that we got rid of all the exotic gifts like the rare comics and obscure books and vintage materials from the original trilogy and just decided to sell obnoxious Jar Jar crap."
VanBentheusen added, "We now see this mistake, and we plan to add unique and creative items to entice the big Star Wars fans to buy more useless junk here and keep the store in business."
An asisstant to VanBentheusen then unveiled the new product line, a spectacular set of mugs, T-shirts, and jock straps intricately themed to the popular "Chewbacca Ate My Balls!" website.
"We're expecting hordes of people clogging the store now," said VanBentheusen. "Who wouldn't want a T-shirt with a picture of Chewbacca saying 'Your Balls Are MINE!!'?
"That's a rhetorical question," he added, after pausing dramatically.
Tatooine Traders expects to have the shipments of the new gift items in stock within the next week. VanBentheusen further noted that, if the venture proved profitable, the shop might further expand with "Luke Ate My Balls" and "Ewoks Ate My Balls" products.
--JCK
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Vekoma Copyrights Phrase
With the recent news that Donald Trump has sought to copyright the phrase "You're fired!" by filing with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, others are stepping forward in an effort to obtain exclusive rights to things that millions of people have said.
This morning, Vekoma, a Dutch roller coaster design firm, announced that it had filed for a copyright with the same United States office, requesting exclusive rights for all merchandising based on the phrase they claim to be intimately associated with their product.
"Vekoma has lost substantial amounts of money over the past few years due to others using our phrase," said Vekoma rep Megan Blauvelt. "For that reason, we wish to protect our interests by filing to have our exclusive proprietary rights to our intellectual property recognized in the United States. Soon, only Vekoma will be able to use the famous catchphrase 'Ow! Shit! Damn it! My head! Ow! Crap! My back! Son of a bitch! Let me off this piece of shit! Ow! Ow! My kidneys! Ouch! Ow! Ow!' in marketing and business ventures."
A challenge to this copyright filing has been made by the rival coaster product manufacturer Gerstlauer. A brief submitted by the corporation states that "the catchphrase was coined by riders of wooden coasters using trains from our corporation" and that "the issue would be taken to the courts if necessary, in order to prserve our ability to profit from something that we designed."
--JCK
With the recent news that Donald Trump has sought to copyright the phrase "You're fired!" by filing with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, others are stepping forward in an effort to obtain exclusive rights to things that millions of people have said.
This morning, Vekoma, a Dutch roller coaster design firm, announced that it had filed for a copyright with the same United States office, requesting exclusive rights for all merchandising based on the phrase they claim to be intimately associated with their product.
"Vekoma has lost substantial amounts of money over the past few years due to others using our phrase," said Vekoma rep Megan Blauvelt. "For that reason, we wish to protect our interests by filing to have our exclusive proprietary rights to our intellectual property recognized in the United States. Soon, only Vekoma will be able to use the famous catchphrase 'Ow! Shit! Damn it! My head! Ow! Crap! My back! Son of a bitch! Let me off this piece of shit! Ow! Ow! My kidneys! Ouch! Ow! Ow!' in marketing and business ventures."
A challenge to this copyright filing has been made by the rival coaster product manufacturer Gerstlauer. A brief submitted by the corporation states that "the catchphrase was coined by riders of wooden coasters using trains from our corporation" and that "the issue would be taken to the courts if necessary, in order to prserve our ability to profit from something that we designed."
--JCK
New Vekoma Boomerang 3D Simulator to Open At Excalibur
Excalibur, the struggling "family-oriented" hotel and casino in Las Vegas, has dipped its hand into the 3D simulator market with its new experience, "The Vekoma Boomerang."
"Sadly, not many people in American have been able to experience the Vekoma Boomerang due to its rareness in amusement parks across this country," stated Dough Hirschlinger, Excalibur's head of entertainment. "We hope to solve this obvious drought with our latest state-of-the-art attraction."
The simulator, which is estimated to cost approximately ten times the amount of buying and constructing an actual Vekoma Boomerang, plans to simulate "exactly what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang," continued Hirschlinger. "This will include, of course, a projected 3D image of the ride experience itself, but also so much more."
In addition to the 3D film of the experience, riders will experience such sensations as real wind and forceful chair vibrations. Excalibur is also introducing new "Jackhammer Technology" which will make the ride even more realistic. Once the roller coaster begins its trek from its initial backward ascent, small hammers will come out from behind the audiences' seats, striking them multiple times in different parts of the head, leading to "a precise replication of what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang."
Advil, which is co-sponsoring the attraction, has added that it will be opening a special stall outside the exit offering double tablets of their product at the low price of $10 a dose.
--MOS
Excalibur, the struggling "family-oriented" hotel and casino in Las Vegas, has dipped its hand into the 3D simulator market with its new experience, "The Vekoma Boomerang."
"Sadly, not many people in American have been able to experience the Vekoma Boomerang due to its rareness in amusement parks across this country," stated Dough Hirschlinger, Excalibur's head of entertainment. "We hope to solve this obvious drought with our latest state-of-the-art attraction."
The simulator, which is estimated to cost approximately ten times the amount of buying and constructing an actual Vekoma Boomerang, plans to simulate "exactly what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang," continued Hirschlinger. "This will include, of course, a projected 3D image of the ride experience itself, but also so much more."
In addition to the 3D film of the experience, riders will experience such sensations as real wind and forceful chair vibrations. Excalibur is also introducing new "Jackhammer Technology" which will make the ride even more realistic. Once the roller coaster begins its trek from its initial backward ascent, small hammers will come out from behind the audiences' seats, striking them multiple times in different parts of the head, leading to "a precise replication of what it is like to ride a Vekoma Boomerang."
Advil, which is co-sponsoring the attraction, has added that it will be opening a special stall outside the exit offering double tablets of their product at the low price of $10 a dose.
--MOS
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
EU Orders Six Flags to Offer Coasters with Trains Unbundled
Despite Six Flags's announced intention to sell all of its European parks to outside investors, the European Union issued its ruling yesterday in its antitrust investigation of the international park chain. In addition to a substantial fine, Six Flags will be required to offer European consumers two versions of all of its coasters.
The first version of the coasters will remain the same as they presently are. The second, however, will "unbundle" the trains, permitting customers to bring their own trains to be attached to the tracks or, alternatively, to simply walk around the tracks without any trains.
EU competition commissioner Mario Monti told reporters in Brussels on Wednesday that Six Flags had "for too long abused consumers by requiring that, if they wished to ride Six Flags's coasters, the customers also use Six Flags's coaster trains. This is unfair to consumers and unfair to competitors. Our ruling will help consumer choice and innovation."
Six Flags announced that, while it will also appeal the ruling, it will start construction of duplicates of all of its European coasters within thirty days. Thus far it has avoided EU scrutiny of its bundling of hot dogs with buns.
Attorneys general in the United States are reportedly considering action against the park chain for its requirement that customers ride coasters using only the software provided by the manufacturers, but they are expected to completely wuss out at the last minute and settle for four dollars and a free Bugs Bunny shirt.
Despite Six Flags's announced intention to sell all of its European parks to outside investors, the European Union issued its ruling yesterday in its antitrust investigation of the international park chain. In addition to a substantial fine, Six Flags will be required to offer European consumers two versions of all of its coasters.
The first version of the coasters will remain the same as they presently are. The second, however, will "unbundle" the trains, permitting customers to bring their own trains to be attached to the tracks or, alternatively, to simply walk around the tracks without any trains.
EU competition commissioner Mario Monti told reporters in Brussels on Wednesday that Six Flags had "for too long abused consumers by requiring that, if they wished to ride Six Flags's coasters, the customers also use Six Flags's coaster trains. This is unfair to consumers and unfair to competitors. Our ruling will help consumer choice and innovation."
Six Flags announced that, while it will also appeal the ruling, it will start construction of duplicates of all of its European coasters within thirty days. Thus far it has avoided EU scrutiny of its bundling of hot dogs with buns.
Attorneys general in the United States are reportedly considering action against the park chain for its requirement that customers ride coasters using only the software provided by the manufacturers, but they are expected to completely wuss out at the last minute and settle for four dollars and a free Bugs Bunny shirt.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Coaster Dynamics Announces “The Dragon”
Coaster Dynamix recently released a new coaster model kit that has swarms of coaster enthusiasts and toy fans drooling. One of our intrepid reporters was able to obtain a copy of the new press release from the company, presented in its entirety below:
Press Release From Coaster Dynamix
Hey roller coaster fans! We know that you don't have a lot of room in your parents’ basement. But you will want to clear off that table holding your collection of cups and glasses from parks around the country for our first offering -- The Dragon.
Just when you thought your amusement-park-paraphernalia-laden residence couldn't get any more crowded, we are offering the chance of a lifetime. Our working roller coaster model is available for only $500 (plus shipping and handling)! You will get minutes of enjoyment watching a piece of plastic ascend an amazing three feet in height and then go up and down until it does the whole thing over again. Few pieces of coaster craftsmanship will give you the satisfaction of knowing that you just spent several hundred dollars for something you will use for five minutes and never play with again (much like that blow-up doll you never cleaned after the first use and now sits in the corner attracting ants).
We know that in this economy five hundred dollars is a lot of money. Yes, your parents would like you to save that money and get your own place, and there are countless charities needing money to continue their work to feed and clothe the less fortunate (which is surprising considering the way the tax cuts boosted the economy -- lazy poor people). But, let's be honest. You have no friends, your pay at Papa John's got bumped up to seven dollars per hour, and you finished paying off the interest on that porn you bought online. It’s time to live a little!
Coaster Dynamix expects to sell hundreds, if not thousands, of those handcrafted pieces of architectural finery in the next few days. Don't delay, order yours today!
--Lovingly Uploaded By FMB
Coaster Dynamix recently released a new coaster model kit that has swarms of coaster enthusiasts and toy fans drooling. One of our intrepid reporters was able to obtain a copy of the new press release from the company, presented in its entirety below:
Press Release From Coaster Dynamix
Hey roller coaster fans! We know that you don't have a lot of room in your parents’ basement. But you will want to clear off that table holding your collection of cups and glasses from parks around the country for our first offering -- The Dragon.
Just when you thought your amusement-park-paraphernalia-laden residence couldn't get any more crowded, we are offering the chance of a lifetime. Our working roller coaster model is available for only $500 (plus shipping and handling)! You will get minutes of enjoyment watching a piece of plastic ascend an amazing three feet in height and then go up and down until it does the whole thing over again. Few pieces of coaster craftsmanship will give you the satisfaction of knowing that you just spent several hundred dollars for something you will use for five minutes and never play with again (much like that blow-up doll you never cleaned after the first use and now sits in the corner attracting ants).
We know that in this economy five hundred dollars is a lot of money. Yes, your parents would like you to save that money and get your own place, and there are countless charities needing money to continue their work to feed and clothe the less fortunate (which is surprising considering the way the tax cuts boosted the economy -- lazy poor people). But, let's be honest. You have no friends, your pay at Papa John's got bumped up to seven dollars per hour, and you finished paying off the interest on that porn you bought online. It’s time to live a little!
Coaster Dynamix expects to sell hundreds, if not thousands, of those handcrafted pieces of architectural finery in the next few days. Don't delay, order yours today!
--Lovingly Uploaded By FMB
Walking Around Universale [sic] Studios Makes You Ache Like You Had Amazing Sex
It's one of the weirdest amusement park trip reports ever posted online. It's also our new Site O' the Weak. We couldn't do it justice if we attempted to describe it, so just go read it.
It's one of the weirdest amusement park trip reports ever posted online. It's also our new Site O' the Weak. We couldn't do it justice if we attempted to describe it, so just go read it.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Coaster Enthusiast Finds Woman of His Dreams
As a rule, coaster enthusiasts have trouble locating an attractive member of the opposite sex with whom they can mate and make wild rutting sounds. However, bucking the monumental trend of enthusiasts unable to find a soul mate is Richard Serpa, 41. According to Serpa, after decades of loneliness and vigorous hourly self-stimulation to illegally-obtained onboard ride footage, he will soon be "totally set with the poontang."
"I knew I'd find my special someone eventually," said Serpa. "Sometimes it can be kind of hard to meet the chicks. I live in my parents' basement, I have a really small penis, and I have no social skills at all. I spend almost the entire day looking at coaster rumor sites, practicing my tuba, eating cheeseburgers and fistfuls of suet, and feebly ejaculating onto my coaster snow globe collection. It seemed like these were traits that would not enable me to find someone to polish my knob to a lustrous shine, but I never despaired, and now I am almost to the Promised Land."
ARN&R has learned that the object of Serpa's affections is The World's Most Pretentious Female Writer. Experts note that no person, male or female, could possibly resist the urge to give themselves a quick hand-o-gram when faced with the following prose:
Oh, tortured artist, tie me up, destroy me, then toss me under your floor-bound mattress and forget I exist! It is better to feel your footprints than your absence!
Although vegetarian, I enthusiastically pant over the scent of a cowhide jacket and/or boots. I am the Collie in heat and this boy my rawhide chewtoy.
I do not realize my question is unanswered. Instead I am sucked into his profound black hole of existence.
As a child I once attended a circus and saw a lion tamer attacked by the most beautiful lion to ever be caged. The tamer was bleeding, but not badly harmed. He looked more shocked that this creature who he had surely loved and committed so much effort to taming had lashed out in such a way. Wild things are beautiful, but that is no reason to cage them.
However, although the beautiful words surely arouse all who read them, Serpa feels a special connection to the writer because of another quote from the sumptuous text:
I realize there is a type of person who does not enjoy rollarcoasters, and maybe this ho-hum lifestyle of Tupperware, TV Guides and PTA meetings is all The Universe has prescribed for one who sits on a bench as friends above squeal with delight from the Super Dooper Looper.
"Every male coaster enthusiast knows there's a totally hot coaster chick out there just for him to churn the man butter with, even though there are like three hot coaster chicks who have ever lived," said Serpa. "When I read this text, I knew this piece of tail was smart, could spell good, was hot, and, most importantly, knew how to reference roller coasters in general and one at Hersheypark, my favorite, in specific. We're in love, and I'm all ready to play hide the salami with that awesome piece of trim."
Under thorough questioning, Serpa admitted he had not actually met the writer, nor even written to her, but that he thought "things were progressing really well" and "marriage and lots of amusement park trips and f**king" were definitely upcoming within a matter of weeks.
When asked to comment, Serpa's mother noted that she would be able to sleep better if he would "stop making those moaning, squealing, and slapping sounds when he reads his favorite website."
--JCK
As a rule, coaster enthusiasts have trouble locating an attractive member of the opposite sex with whom they can mate and make wild rutting sounds. However, bucking the monumental trend of enthusiasts unable to find a soul mate is Richard Serpa, 41. According to Serpa, after decades of loneliness and vigorous hourly self-stimulation to illegally-obtained onboard ride footage, he will soon be "totally set with the poontang."
"I knew I'd find my special someone eventually," said Serpa. "Sometimes it can be kind of hard to meet the chicks. I live in my parents' basement, I have a really small penis, and I have no social skills at all. I spend almost the entire day looking at coaster rumor sites, practicing my tuba, eating cheeseburgers and fistfuls of suet, and feebly ejaculating onto my coaster snow globe collection. It seemed like these were traits that would not enable me to find someone to polish my knob to a lustrous shine, but I never despaired, and now I am almost to the Promised Land."
ARN&R has learned that the object of Serpa's affections is The World's Most Pretentious Female Writer. Experts note that no person, male or female, could possibly resist the urge to give themselves a quick hand-o-gram when faced with the following prose:
Oh, tortured artist, tie me up, destroy me, then toss me under your floor-bound mattress and forget I exist! It is better to feel your footprints than your absence!
Although vegetarian, I enthusiastically pant over the scent of a cowhide jacket and/or boots. I am the Collie in heat and this boy my rawhide chewtoy.
I do not realize my question is unanswered. Instead I am sucked into his profound black hole of existence.
As a child I once attended a circus and saw a lion tamer attacked by the most beautiful lion to ever be caged. The tamer was bleeding, but not badly harmed. He looked more shocked that this creature who he had surely loved and committed so much effort to taming had lashed out in such a way. Wild things are beautiful, but that is no reason to cage them.
However, although the beautiful words surely arouse all who read them, Serpa feels a special connection to the writer because of another quote from the sumptuous text:
I realize there is a type of person who does not enjoy rollarcoasters, and maybe this ho-hum lifestyle of Tupperware, TV Guides and PTA meetings is all The Universe has prescribed for one who sits on a bench as friends above squeal with delight from the Super Dooper Looper.
"Every male coaster enthusiast knows there's a totally hot coaster chick out there just for him to churn the man butter with, even though there are like three hot coaster chicks who have ever lived," said Serpa. "When I read this text, I knew this piece of tail was smart, could spell good, was hot, and, most importantly, knew how to reference roller coasters in general and one at Hersheypark, my favorite, in specific. We're in love, and I'm all ready to play hide the salami with that awesome piece of trim."
Under thorough questioning, Serpa admitted he had not actually met the writer, nor even written to her, but that he thought "things were progressing really well" and "marriage and lots of amusement park trips and f**king" were definitely upcoming within a matter of weeks.
When asked to comment, Serpa's mother noted that she would be able to sleep better if he would "stop making those moaning, squealing, and slapping sounds when he reads his favorite website."
--JCK
Sunday, March 21, 2004
ACE Courts Young Members With New Website
The American Coaster Enthusiasts unveiled a new version of their website this morning, one designed to attract the all-important young coaster enthusiasts of tommorrow to the organization.
"This new version of the official ACE website will draw in eager young blood by creating a fun 'ACE Camp' atmosphere in which the kids can learn and play," said ACE President, High Munificent Matriarch, and Supreme Master of the Wildebeest Lash Carole Sanderson. "We've also noticed that most of our regular adult members prefer the new child-friendly website, claiming that it uses fewer big words and is very easy to understand. Some say it's pretty addictive!"
"With more exciting, intelligent, and dazzlingly colored sections of the ACE website opening up daily, including Big Bad Boys, The Aliens, and Birthday Cake, we believe we have a website that will draw in new members by the billions," added Sanderson. "And these eerily similar mantras posted on each page of the site are not at all creepy!"
Sanderson then suddenly and inexplicably adopted a glazed-over zombie expression before droning out the following in a deep, resonant robot voice:
We learned many things like take apart.
Our favorite part of ACE Camp is Take-Apart.
Take-Apart is our favorite because you get to take things apart.
Kids shoud come to ACE Camp because they would have fun.
Parents should let their kids come to ACE Camp because they would learn a lot of new things.
ARN&R will update further as more information about the new ACE website becomes available.
--JCK
The American Coaster Enthusiasts unveiled a new version of their website this morning, one designed to attract the all-important young coaster enthusiasts of tommorrow to the organization.
"This new version of the official ACE website will draw in eager young blood by creating a fun 'ACE Camp' atmosphere in which the kids can learn and play," said ACE President, High Munificent Matriarch, and Supreme Master of the Wildebeest Lash Carole Sanderson. "We've also noticed that most of our regular adult members prefer the new child-friendly website, claiming that it uses fewer big words and is very easy to understand. Some say it's pretty addictive!"
"With more exciting, intelligent, and dazzlingly colored sections of the ACE website opening up daily, including Big Bad Boys, The Aliens, and Birthday Cake, we believe we have a website that will draw in new members by the billions," added Sanderson. "And these eerily similar mantras posted on each page of the site are not at all creepy!"
Sanderson then suddenly and inexplicably adopted a glazed-over zombie expression before droning out the following in a deep, resonant robot voice:
We learned many things like take apart.
Our favorite part of ACE Camp is Take-Apart.
Take-Apart is our favorite because you get to take things apart.
Kids shoud come to ACE Camp because they would have fun.
Parents should let their kids come to ACE Camp because they would learn a lot of new things.
ARN&R will update further as more information about the new ACE website becomes available.
--JCK
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Batman Vows to Continue Fighting Pussy at Six Flags
The new Batman vs. Catwoman: Catfight show at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey is the latest venue for the caped crusader and his well-toned sidekick to continue their ongoing battle against the pair’s largest evil nemesis -- vaginas. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Batman revealed that Six Flags gave him a unique venue to share his views.
“Let’s face it, the straight agenda is really hurting my quality of life,” said Batman. “We are continuing ‘Operation Fabulous’ in order to ensure gay pornography for every red-blooded man. We are working against Vivid Video, Wicked Pictures and other video proprietors of hot threesomes, girl-on-girl action and, well...you know better than I do, ARN&R, but let's just mention strap-ons. Six Flags has given us a great opportunity to spend time with families.”
Great Adventure General Manager Bill Muirhead said he wasn’t concerned with the superhero’s battle against the clitoris. “Every comic book character that comes to life has someone he or she fights. Superman had Lex Luthor, The X-Men had Magneto, but Batman kicked his enemies’ collective asses a long time ago. In 2004 Batman and Robin are waging war against camel toe and we only wish them the best of luck.” He added, “Don’t forget to bring a Coke can for $2 off the admission price!”
“Frankly I don’t see what the big f*cking deal is,” purred Catwoman. “I needed money to get a cyst removed, so I agreed to let Batman fight my ‘gina. Big freakin’ deal.”
Steve Stephenson, Arts & Entertainment editor for The Village Voice, commented, “I don’t understand this show. As gay people we have a lot more to worry about than roast beef curtains. Karl Rove is scarier than any vagina I’ve ever seen.”
Many were surprised that Batman and Robin didn’t come out against a more pressing issue, such as gay marriage. The Boy Wonder said, “We have been together for over 60 years and all I can say is that Batman is way more worried about access to porn than marrying me. I even came home with makeup all over my privates after doing the Joker at Six Flags Great America and he didn’t say a word. He was too busy scouring the Internet for pictures of Two Face ‘calling down for more mayo.’” Robin then sighed audibly and wiped a tear away.
“Kids, be sure to ask your parents to bring you by the stunt auditorium. After the show dads can get a free massage!” grinned the horny crime fighter.
The Batman vs. Catwoman Show opens with the park on April 3.
--FMB
The new Batman vs. Catwoman: Catfight show at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey is the latest venue for the caped crusader and his well-toned sidekick to continue their ongoing battle against the pair’s largest evil nemesis -- vaginas. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Batman revealed that Six Flags gave him a unique venue to share his views.
“Let’s face it, the straight agenda is really hurting my quality of life,” said Batman. “We are continuing ‘Operation Fabulous’ in order to ensure gay pornography for every red-blooded man. We are working against Vivid Video, Wicked Pictures and other video proprietors of hot threesomes, girl-on-girl action and, well...you know better than I do, ARN&R, but let's just mention strap-ons. Six Flags has given us a great opportunity to spend time with families.”
Great Adventure General Manager Bill Muirhead said he wasn’t concerned with the superhero’s battle against the clitoris. “Every comic book character that comes to life has someone he or she fights. Superman had Lex Luthor, The X-Men had Magneto, but Batman kicked his enemies’ collective asses a long time ago. In 2004 Batman and Robin are waging war against camel toe and we only wish them the best of luck.” He added, “Don’t forget to bring a Coke can for $2 off the admission price!”
“Frankly I don’t see what the big f*cking deal is,” purred Catwoman. “I needed money to get a cyst removed, so I agreed to let Batman fight my ‘gina. Big freakin’ deal.”
Steve Stephenson, Arts & Entertainment editor for The Village Voice, commented, “I don’t understand this show. As gay people we have a lot more to worry about than roast beef curtains. Karl Rove is scarier than any vagina I’ve ever seen.”
Many were surprised that Batman and Robin didn’t come out against a more pressing issue, such as gay marriage. The Boy Wonder said, “We have been together for over 60 years and all I can say is that Batman is way more worried about access to porn than marrying me. I even came home with makeup all over my privates after doing the Joker at Six Flags Great America and he didn’t say a word. He was too busy scouring the Internet for pictures of Two Face ‘calling down for more mayo.’” Robin then sighed audibly and wiped a tear away.
“Kids, be sure to ask your parents to bring you by the stunt auditorium. After the show dads can get a free massage!” grinned the horny crime fighter.
The Batman vs. Catwoman Show opens with the park on April 3.
--FMB
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