Work Is Your Nemesis

In what has to be one of the most bizarro website promotions ever designed for a theme park, Alton Towers has created a website, www.ihatework.co.uk, that encourages people to skip work and come to play there instead. Customers are invited to download a discount voucher and sneak out of the office, but not before emailing everyone they know to encourage them to also be lazy bastards.

If your theme park website promotion is tacky enough to be reported on by major media outlets, and also gets forwarded to us as a joke by two different friends of ours who care and know almost nothing about amusement parks, you probably just made the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Stratosphere Just Starts Throwing People Off Their Tower

In a move designed to "give our guests the ultimate thrill experience," the Stratosphere hotel and casino began randomly throwing guests off the top of their tower this weekend.

"I was just thinking to myself, 'How can we push the bar further here at the Stratosphere? How can we really get on the map as a thrill ride capital?'" reminisced Stratosphere CEO Jim Knipfel. "It so happens I was snorting cocaine with Penn and Teller off a stripper's ass at the time, and Penn, he looks up from the powder on this Grade A perfect ass and says 'Hey Jim? Why not just start throwing the f**kers from the tower?'"

"I said 'Penn, I know you were joking, but that's a good f**king idea!'"

As of last Friday, all tower visitors to the Stratosphere are required to sign a legal document waiving all damages in the event "of random tower expulsion." Guests are chosen to be thrown off the tower at further randomly determined rates, though Knipfel assured ARN&R that the Stratosphere "will be ejecting at least 1-5 customers a day." Those guests who visit and are not murdered will receive a prize in the form of a 10% buffet discount.

--MOS

Halloween Horror Nights Mazes Revealed

One of the most popular of the many Halloween makeovers at the nation's amusement parks is Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Orlando. As has become a recent tradition, Universal has released some limited details about the expected attractions well in advance in order to whet the appetites of eager thrillseekers. Aside from the creepy night theming, scare zones, shows, and a substantial number of rides operating at both Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios, the fall event always features a number of terrifying mazes. Here is the tentative listing of the mazes, provided by Universal rep Kevin Benjo Ikitai, for Halloween Horror Nights in 2004:

-TRON: Ultimate Terror will be what Benjo Ikitai claims "simple but terribly effective." According to Benjo Ikitai, "we're well aware of the utter horror experienced by unfortunate souls who have blundered across Jay Maynard's TRON Costume website, so we thought we could incorporate that terror into a frightening walk-through attraction. The maze will consist of a series of rooms, each of which pretty much just features a fat man wearing an obscenely tight white spandex bodysuit.

"We decided to make it a character from the TRON universe, but not a known character, since we couldn't find anyone in the same shape as Bruce Boxleitner," says Benjo Ikitai. "And, while one drawback of wearing spandex is that it does nothing to hide one's obesity, it will certainly inspire so much fear as to cause a great number of visitors to explosively fill their trousers with their own fecal material."

Although the Universal rep would not divulge this fact, ARN&R has it on good authority from another source that the final room in the maze will be pitch black, allowing the full glory of the glowing stripes on the TRON outfit to mesmerize and stupify the audience into weeping and begging for mercy.

-Jeff Goldblum is Watching You Poop: The Decimation is fully expected, says Benjo Ikitai, "to send just about every visitor home crying for Mommy." In each and every nightmarish room of this maze, Jeff Goldblum may or may not be staring in a menacing fashion at guests. "Particularly if they are pooping," says Benjo Ikitai. "Wouldn't it be amazingly scary if you were walking through a haunted house and you innocently sat down to take a dump, and then all of a sudden you noticed Jeff Goldblum staring at you?" The Universal rep also noted that fans of comprehensible spelling and grammar would be particularly revolted and disturbed by this particular maze, though he offered no specific information related to this fact.

-The World's Largest 40oz Collection: the Extreme Experience, described by Benjo Ikitai as "pretty f**king scary," sends visitors on a jaunt through various eye-popping rooms, including the Detailed Reviews of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull, the 40oz Bitches, the 40oz Crew, and the terrifying monsters and nightmare creatures of the Drunk'n Public.

-My Little Pony: The Damnation will be "the last word in the realm of extreme thrills," according to Benjo Ikitai. According to the Universal rep, "the unearthly shrieks of the damned and the wails of unspeakable agony of tortured lost souls will emanate all night from within the My Little Pony attraction."

Designed by the webmaster of the violently cloying Melody's My Little Pony Site, My Little Pony: The Damnation will feature several frightening chambers where visitors witness teenage morons devoting endless hours to babbling about and making websites about their toy horses. The terror level is ramped up with the Gauntlet of Revulsion, where hell-beasts offer the guests "huggles." Then comes the agony of Lancer's Corner, where a particularly fiendish Minion of the Antichrist, Lancer the Pony, awaits. After the guests enter this chamber, the lights darken and Lancer appears; he then speaks, informing the newcomers that "my parents are very rich and we have a mansion. I'm here to show you the ten prettiest My Little Ponies." After the guests escape Lancer's tour of the Fiery Underworld of Satan, there comes the final "assault on the very sanity of the guests," according to Benjo Ikitai. Apparently, this final chamber will consist entirely of some lunatic giving exhaustively detailed instructions on how to give My Little Pony sausage curls in its hair.

Visitors to Halloween Horror Nights will be required to sign a waiver in order to witness My Little Pony: The Damnation; it is anticipated that the maze will make as many as half of all visitors "vomit so hard their eyes go bloodshot," according Benjo Ikitai.

Benjo Ikitai also added that there would be one more maze, but its theme was still being fine-tuned and would be announced soon. However, he denied that guests entering this final maze would either face the evil ministrations of The Subservient Chicken, or simply be tied down and forced to watch Reign of Fire in its entirely, saying that "both of those really might be a little too horrifying for most of our guests to endure."

--JCK

Paramount's Canada's Wonderland Announces New Footloose Coaster

At a press conference today, representatives of Paramount's Canada's Wonderland made the official announcement of a long-rumored ride to debut at the park early in the 2005 season. Footloose: The Ride, set to open in May of next year, will be a Bolliger & Mabillard-designed floorless coaster themed to the thrilling and critically-acclaimed Kevin Bacon dance film.

"Huh," said Screamscape webmaster Lance Hart. "I heard rumors of this ride ages ago, and I've had it listed at Screamscape for months, but I always was sort of thinking it was some sort of joke or something. Guess the joke's on me."

"Getting a B&M coaster themed to Footloose makes so much sense for Paramount's Canada's Wonderland," said park rep Willie O' Keefe. "Everything just fits together perfectly. For instance, think about this: We will have a ride called Footloose: The Ride here next season. B&M will build Footloose: The Ride for us. That company also built Medusa at Six Flags Great Adventure. Six Flags Great Adventure is of course run by Six Flags, Inc., which also runs Six Flags Magic Mountain. Six Flags Magic Mountain has a ride called the Revolution. Well, Revolution is a coaster that Kevin Bacon rode four years ago during a free weekend he had between filming Hollow Man and Novocaine. Just six degrees of separation! Isn't that incredible?"

"It is incredible," said another PCW rep, Ray Duquette. "I was just talking about it the other day with two of our managers, Valentine McKee and David Labraccio, and we came up with this astounding tidbit: We are building Footloose: The Ride. That ride will be located next to another ride called Top Gun. Top Gun was designed by Vekoma, and Vekoma also created the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios. Disney/MGM is a theme park in the same large Disney World complex, where the Magic Kingdom also resides, and Kevin Bacon visited the Magic Kingdom with his family when he was twelve years old! Isn't that just jaw-dropping?"

When asked for comment, Kevin Bacon politely asked that people leave him alone.

--JCK

Imagineers Stumped by Mr. Toad Concept

Disney Imagineers are reportedly at what one inside source calls "a total dead end" in their attempt to create an exciting theme park attraction based on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

"With the DVD release of the movie called Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Disney has the rare opportunity to tie in a successful property by creating a ride at the Magic Kingdom based on Mr. Toad," says the source. "Disney already owns the U.S. film and ride rights to The Wind in the Willows due to their older animated film deal involving the book, but this newer movie really gives a kick-start to the idea of producing a fun attraction based on Mr. Toad and pals. Unfortunately, no one has the slightest idea of how to create a ride based on this book or on the movies based upon it!" The source then slapped his head crisply for emphasis.

One ride concept, discarded by Disney, would have featured themed cars that zipped speedily and wildly turned through scenes from The Wind in the Willows. The working title for this concept was "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." The source was unable to decipher why this idea was scrapped.

"The only thing certain about the new ride is that it will involve Mr. Toad in some way, and it will replace that Pooh ride at Magic Kingdom," said the source. "Everyone knows that thing blows, so we won't be getting any nasty hate mail about removing a popular classic attraction or anything."

--JCK

Ebert, Scott, Mitchell Abandon Careers

Three influential film critics -- Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, A.O. Scott of the New York Times, and Elvis Mitchell of the L.A. Times -- today simultaneously announced that they were retiring, effective immediately, citing the presence of a new group of critics who "just blew us away."

The new group, a consortium of critics posting their musings at CoasterForce, rose to international prominence with their collective thoughts on The Girl Next Door.

Chach45, who is reportedly being interviewed for a position with Film Threat, opened the Algonquin Table-like discussion with "Ok ok ok... for those who don't know, a new movie named 'The Girl Next Door' is coming out on April 9th. Personally, I can't wait, mostly because Elisha Cuthbert is in it, and she is the hottest woman on planet Earth! What do you guys think about Elisha/the movie?"

After pondering Chach45's meditative and insightful posting, ioainme held forth on the underlying themes of the film: "cant wait to see it looks good." After learning that noted thespian Elisha Cuthbert portrays an adult film actress, future New York Times critic PreppieBoy9489 gave his highest review, previously reserved for The English Patient: "Does she really? *writes on hand to GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!!*"

Chach45, hoping to facilitate the continued insightful development of the discussion, rejoined the conversation: "Yes, yes it is true. My buddy saw the sneak preview... she plays an ex porn star who meets an up tight guy and turns him crazy and stuff.. and you see her butt in small underwear CANT WAIT!"

But Chach45 was not to have the last word. Instead, coolcat13 set forth what is likely to be the last word not only on the film, but also on film criticism, introducing the revolutionary concept of relying on Canadian provincial film ratings boards for the determination of a film's quality: "It does look like a shit film but with lots of T&A. lol I also heard on the radio that Ontario is one of the only provinces rating the movie 14A, everywhere else it's going to be 18A or mature..so then you know it's going to be good."

The intellectual back-and-forth continued with Chach45's rapier-like response: "It does not look like shite movie! It looks great! What's better then the hottest woman on the planet playing a porn star? NOTHING!"

Then, out of nowhere, dannybark cut to the heart of the matter: "lets be realistic, will elisha cuthbert actually get proper naked in this film or even show sumthin?.. its doubtful." Not since Janet Maslin's early advocacy for key art films has a writer had such an insight. And while the conversation continued for a period, all the following postings are clearly mere afterthoughts to dannybark's brilliance.

Ebert, Scott and Mitchell collectively sighed upon reading the thread. "Our careers are done," said Ebert, the first film critic to receive a Pulitzer Prize. "Indeed," said A.O. Scott, who many believe has filled Janet Maslin's position at the Times with great success. And Mitchell -- widely considered the most promising young critic in America -- simply curled up into the fetal position, weeping.

At press time, CoasterForce was reportedly determining if it could assert copyright on the postings. Experts estimate that simply the Girl Next Door postings could result in the site owners becoming millionaires if published in book form.

Dollywood's Thunderhead Better Than Sex, Says Enthusiast Speaking Entirely Hypothetically

Dollywood's new GCI wooden coaster Thunderhead has been getting rave reviews. From declarations that it is the number one wooden coaster in the world to more specific comparisons to Raven and the like, enthusiast response has been strong, to say the least.

Joining in the chorus of praise is 29-year-old enthusiast Prescott Selby of Oregon. Selby, whose coaster count is over 300, traveled thousands of miles to attend Thunderhead's opening and declares it the greatest wooden coaster anywhere, stating that it is "better than sex, or at least better than I imagine sex might be had I ever participated in such activity, which I haven't."

"From the start of the lift hill through the airtime and laterals, Thunderhead delivers in every respect, much like I would suspect a lengthy evening of sweet lovemaking would deliver," said Selby, whose last female contact was an accidental brushing of his hand by the cashier at the Stop 'n' Go over four weeks ago. "My feelings of satisfaction were even greater than those described to me by those people I have spoken with whom have in fact had sex. My whooping and hollering upon returning to the station were remarkably like the sounds I have heard emanating from the apartment next to mine, where Joe and his series of girlfriends are having what I must assume is hot all-night action. Yep, Thunderhead is much better than entirely hypothetical sex!"

Selby concluded: "I sure am glad Thunderhead is here to provide me this satisfaction, so now I don't have to feel bad about not getting any."

What is Worse...Losing a Historic Wood Coaster or Having to Eat at a Non-Chain Restaurant?

That's the question answered enthusiastically by dozens of hungry coaster enthusiasts with no sense of taste, as our Site O' the Weak focuses on the infamous rec.roller-coaster thread where the announcement is made that Miracle Strip has been sold to land developers. Almost no one posting demonstrates any concern whatsoever that Miracle Strip and the Starliner will be destroyed late this year for a strip mall, and instead the forum participants use the topic as an excuse to talk, endlessly, about how great it would be if there were only chain restaurants around, so they could never be challenged or have to experience anything outside of their own boring, useless existence. Merely using an on-topic thread as an excuse to talk about food, a standard trick used by many coaster enthusiasts, is certainly enough to get consideration for the SOW, but this topic gets shot right to the top for also blatantly ignoring the destruction of a good coaster just to talk about food, and for showcasing opinions that are, remarkably, even more stupid than the average useless drivel that spews from the mouths of typical enthusiasts.

Yes, this is the same thread referenced in an article earlier this week. It is indeed a first for ARN&R to reuse a link from an earlier story as the Site O' the Weak, as we naturally strive to bring you as many dreadful websites about amusement parks as possible. However, this thread is so execrable, it deserves the extra attention, and since we aren't able to give the forum participants the hosing down with pressurized sewage they richly deserve, we might as well just point out how stupid they are over and over.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Greet Announcement of Impending Destruction of Miracle Strip With Praise for Shitty Chain Restaurants

Yet another small, family-owned amusement park will be forever lost in the near future, as it was recently announced that Miracle Strip Amusement Park, home of the underappreciated wood coaster gem Starliner, would be sold to land developers, effective following the 2004 season. The park has one year to remove all attractions from the property, meaning that visitors have only this season, and possibly not all of it, to experience the wonders of the park, a clean, bright, fun oasis amongst what experts call "the ugliest open weeping pustule of a filthy cesspool," Redneck Riviera Capitol Panama City.

"We'll be turning the place into something useful," said the developer's attorney, Harry Dick. "Our research has indicated that Americans don't really enjoy the thrill of a unique little amusement park. Visiting a place with free parking and inexpensive tickets is just plain dumb, plus it's really stupid to ride a fun old wooden coaster at night, with neon flashing and warm, salty air blowing gently through your hair. No, in this country people would much prefer some nice cookie-cutter condos or a Taco Bell instead. We're just catering to you stupid f**ks, you know, since you have no taste. And, of course, we're making tons of money and making every square inch of America look exactly alike." Dick then laughed menacingly while absentmindedly plucking at his small, emaciated scrotum.

Lovers of the traditional park held out hope despite the announcement, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts and other coaster fan groups had not yet spoken on the matter. Since one of the main reasons ACE was formed was to protect and laud classic wood coasters, and that mission is a major portion of the current ACE manifesto, and since other groups have also stated a desire to protect endangered coaster landmarks, most observers were certain a major concerted protest action would be forthcoming within a matter of minutes.

The major concerted protest effort has now been undertaken. Coaster enthusiasts have risen up to declare their strong opinions concerning the unfortunte closure of another great traditional park. And that opinion is this: "We like Red Lobster."

Initially, it seemed as if enthusiasts would unite to support the old park and shake their collective fists at greedy agents of the Fast Food Nation, for the announcement of the impending sale of Miracle Strip started off by provoking anger at rec.roller-coaster. Kip Ross referenced the original article, Shawn Mamros decried the closure, and ACE Preservation Director Matt Crowther eloquently wrote of America's losing its soul to corporate culture. However, these three members of the forum were obviously not speaking for the majority of their compatriots, as nearly the entire remainder of the thread became a forum for cretins and imbeciles to laud the tepid, overcooked, frozen and processed grub at Red Lobster and Olive Garden, and to discuss how local, family-owned restaurants suck and chains rule.

"I hate independents, because all the ones I've been too didn't meet my requirements for portion size," noted one enthusiast. "I really think a bland, microwaved simulacrum of actual seafood is considerably better than going to some jackoff local seafood place that just caught whatever fresh food I'm being served. By the way, I also enjoy eating six meals every day at fast food places because only a few thousand already-dead bovines loaded with E-Coli and Mad Cow get sent into the supply I'm eating, and only a few dozen dollar-an-hour migrant workers fell into the chopping machines after working twenty straight hours!"

"By the way," the enthusiast added, "I forgot for a second that my opinions are astoundingly stupid, so it's pretty unlikely I'd actually have any idea what 'simulacrum' means. Forget I said that. Actually, I just said 'Oog like food! Oog like lots of food! Oog hungry! Give Oog more! RRRRRAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRR!'"

A handful of other enthusiasts eventually chipped in to state more sensible restaurant preferences, though almost no one else mentioned any depression or sadness whatsoever over Miracle Strip being razed by bulldozers next Spring. Some of them, fortunately, did make the time to help continue unfair racial stereotypes by implying that Chinese restaurants put cats in their food.

Said a despondent Crowther, "I always felt ACE was here mainly to preserve historical rides. If a thread on the destruction of a classic family park only succeeds in prompting a frenzied defense of Red Lobster's tastinesss and the size of their butter trough, I guess it's all over."

Reports that Crowther had joined with coaster historian Robert Cartmell and ACE founders Roy Brashears, Richard Munch, and Paul Greenwald to weep bitterly in a darkened room over what ACE was created for and what it was once, compared to what they have seen it become, could not be confirmed.

--JCK

Jason Burkhett Discovers "Secret Ace Members A-List"
List Links ACE Leadership to Masonic Templars, Jews

The coaster world was rocked yesterday by the uncovering of a top secret, highly guarded ACE members "A-List."

Burkhett, also known as "Rastus O'Ginga" on Usenet news-groups, has long held and publicized his belief that an "A-List" existed.

"This discovery proves correct every post I have ever made on rec.roller-coaster," read a jubilant Burkhett in a prepared statement. "I have said all along that a secret list exists that determines which ACE members are invited to media days at parks and, incidentally, which control the entire world banking system. But I was shocked, shocked to discover that my suspicions only scratched the surface of the cover-up and international conspiracy."

The list, protected by vicious dogs, booby trapped passages, and a giant, living stone statue named "Galnor," was discovered in a musty, candle-lit room twenty levels beneath the castle of ACE Events Director Gary Baker.

In addition to proving an "A-List," Burkhett also claims the documents prove "an incredibly immense conspiracy" concerning Masonic Templars, Jews, and the assasination of JFK.

"Oh, and at the bottom it says that all ACE members are homo," Burkhett added.

Burkhett has further announced that he plans to release an analysis of this information, along with the document itself, in a book titled The Protocols of the Elders of ACE to be self-published this summer.

When asked if he ever considered the possibility that no one ever invited him to a media event or, indeed, anywhere due to his obnoxious and hate-filled posts on the internet, Burkhett replied, "Never for an instant did I suspect that was the case."

The internet, Jews, and Masonic Templars were unavailable as of press time for comment, leading this reporter to be convinced that Burkhett is absolutely correct.

--MOS