Conductor Punished for Annoyingly Stupid Joke
So I was walking around on the Upper East Side the other day, and this foreign couple comes up to me. They say, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" So I tell them- get this- "Practice!"
So went the "joke" that a guest conductor recently bequeathed upon the annoyed members of the New Britain Symphony Orchestra during a rehearsal last weekend. Although he still professes that the joke is hilarious, as evidenced by his open snickering and clutching at his spleen immediately after he told it, it has landed him in hot water. A judge at the New Britain Superior Court today found him guilty of first-degree gross irritation.
"That was the worst joke I've ever heard," said the Honorable Judge William H. Childers, the man who handed down the verdict. "It's so stupid I actually became physically ill when it was repeated in court. Those poor musicians; how they must have suffered."
In addition to the sheer fact that the joke sucked, the conductor was faced with the damning court testimony of seventeen orchestra members, all of whom claimed they had heard the joke from someone else, and thought it completely sucked shit, as long ago as fifteen years. This cast serious doubt as to whether the alleged incident had actually even occurred on the Upper East Side and had involved the defendant.
The conductor was sentenced to fourteen straight days in the back seat of nearby Lake Compounce's Zoomerang, a Vekoma Boomerang clone noted for its ability to inflict unspeakable pain and agony. Human rights organizations plan to protest the sentence as cruel and unusual punishment.
"It's too bad the Riverside Black Widow isn't still around," said one disappointed musician who just happened to be knowledgeable about roller coasters. "That would have been a much better punishment. But the Zoomerang will still put some decent stank on his ass."
--JCK
Monday, September 19, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Six Flags To Sell Mr. Six
Saying that his various parts are worth more to shareholders than his promotional value for the chain, Six Flags Theme Parks announced today that it would begin an auctioning process to sell the organs and other parts of chain mascot Mr. Six.
"We've had a great run with Mr. Six," said Kieran Burke in a prepared statement. "We're very proud of our ability to simultaneously promote our parks and creep out a substantial percentage of the population over the last eighteen months. We are grateful to all of those who danced like, didn't turn off the TV during, or merely gazed with an annoyed look at Mr. Six, and we're hopeful that his parts will improve the health of at least two Americans. Or Chinese. I hear there's a better market for human organs there."
Mr. Six is expected to continue in some role through the Halloween events at the various Six Flags parks, with his euthanization and organ harvesting taking place on the final day of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Frightfest in front of a crowd of thousands.
Saying that his various parts are worth more to shareholders than his promotional value for the chain, Six Flags Theme Parks announced today that it would begin an auctioning process to sell the organs and other parts of chain mascot Mr. Six.
"We've had a great run with Mr. Six," said Kieran Burke in a prepared statement. "We're very proud of our ability to simultaneously promote our parks and creep out a substantial percentage of the population over the last eighteen months. We are grateful to all of those who danced like, didn't turn off the TV during, or merely gazed with an annoyed look at Mr. Six, and we're hopeful that his parts will improve the health of at least two Americans. Or Chinese. I hear there's a better market for human organs there."
Mr. Six is expected to continue in some role through the Halloween events at the various Six Flags parks, with his euthanization and organ harvesting taking place on the final day of Six Flags Magic Mountain's Frightfest in front of a crowd of thousands.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Football Fan Scoffs at Blackpool Ride
According to one American football fan, a ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach is completely wrong. Unfortunately, no one in the entire country of Great Britain gives a flying rat's ass.
The erroneous ride was spotted by football lover Dave Spugwicker, 45, during a visit to Blackpool this past week. "They have this set of bumper cars," he said. "It's called the Superbowl, and the cars are themed, strangely enough, to American football players instead of, I don't know, cricket or soccer or lawn bowling or something. Kinda cute. But when I got close to the ride, I almost had an aneurysm."
According to Spugwicker, the building for the ride featured paintings of the helmets, complete with logos, for various NFL teams, except that they were all wrong.
"They obviously haven't updated this ride since the 70's," said the disgusted Spugwicker. "The Broncos had that dumb horse rearing inside a big 'D', the Bucs were that horrible eye-searing orange color, the Bengals helmet actually said 'BENGALS' instead of featuring cool tiger stripes. The Jaguars and Panthers aren't even on there and the Oilers are! It's an atrocity. Don't they pay attention to the theming of their rides?"
Sadly, no one in the entire nation of Great Britain gives a shit. "Who cares?" was the only printable response received. Nonetheless, Spugwicker tells ARN&R that he will be initiating a letter-writing campaign to have the terrible and misleading ride theming altered.
--JCK
According to one American football fan, a ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach is completely wrong. Unfortunately, no one in the entire country of Great Britain gives a flying rat's ass.
The erroneous ride was spotted by football lover Dave Spugwicker, 45, during a visit to Blackpool this past week. "They have this set of bumper cars," he said. "It's called the Superbowl, and the cars are themed, strangely enough, to American football players instead of, I don't know, cricket or soccer or lawn bowling or something. Kinda cute. But when I got close to the ride, I almost had an aneurysm."
According to Spugwicker, the building for the ride featured paintings of the helmets, complete with logos, for various NFL teams, except that they were all wrong.
"They obviously haven't updated this ride since the 70's," said the disgusted Spugwicker. "The Broncos had that dumb horse rearing inside a big 'D', the Bucs were that horrible eye-searing orange color, the Bengals helmet actually said 'BENGALS' instead of featuring cool tiger stripes. The Jaguars and Panthers aren't even on there and the Oilers are! It's an atrocity. Don't they pay attention to the theming of their rides?"
Sadly, no one in the entire nation of Great Britain gives a shit. "Who cares?" was the only printable response received. Nonetheless, Spugwicker tells ARN&R that he will be initiating a letter-writing campaign to have the terrible and misleading ride theming altered.
--JCK
Monday, September 05, 2005
Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day Edition
In celebration of reports that the ACE/ECC coaster trip in Japan has thus far been spoiled by rainouts at parks the tour group has visited, we present today a Very Special Episode of ARN&R. For the rest of the US, this is Labor Day; for ARN&R it shall be Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day. All throughout this magical holiday, we'll update you with the reams of breaking news that keeps pouring in to us regarding the ACE/ECC trip. Keep your eyes on our left sidebar for all the action as we report it.
And, most importantly, have a safe and festive Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day.
--JCK
In celebration of reports that the ACE/ECC coaster trip in Japan has thus far been spoiled by rainouts at parks the tour group has visited, we present today a Very Special Episode of ARN&R. For the rest of the US, this is Labor Day; for ARN&R it shall be Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day. All throughout this magical holiday, we'll update you with the reams of breaking news that keeps pouring in to us regarding the ACE/ECC trip. Keep your eyes on our left sidebar for all the action as we report it.
And, most importantly, have a safe and festive Special Soaking Wet Japan Vacation Fun Day.
--JCK
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Vekoma Sales Rep Dodges Enthusiasts
Lake Compounce is a beautiful park. Recently Vekoma Sales Representative Bennie Van Der Schlong was enjoying a relaxing day at the Kennywood-owned facility when two coaster enthusiasts, decked out in Beast and Son of Beast t-shirts, followed him in line. “I vasn’t quite sure vat they wanted,” noted Van Der Schlong, “but then I remembered I was wearing a Vekoma polo and sported a briefcase. Things could have gotten very ugly.”
Things, indeed, got very ugly when Van Der Schlong saw the faces of the two enthusiasts. Enthusiast Tim Simmons and his fugly wife Regina were standing in line for Boulderdash, two people behind the Dutch salesman, who noted that, “All I vanted to do was relax in the park with my meeting with the GM.” Like a vulture eyeing a carcass the enthusiasts crept closer, slowly inching their way to the loading platform where the restrictive line would be gone and they could get behind their sworn enemy -- a Vekoma salesman.
Seconds before confrontation a stroke of genius hit Van Der Schlong. “Vat I decided to do is ride in the second-to-last car,” said the crafty Dutchman. “I knew they vould not follow me into such an inferior seat.” The Cheese-Eater’s instincts served him well. Disgusted at the thought of riding anywhere but the back, the Simmonses moved to the rear of the train. They hoped to catch the sales guy on his way out, but as luck would have it they were on two different trains.
“I love stalking people, but I love the back seat more,” smiled Simmons in an ARN&R interview. “Best seat, best seat!”
--FMB
Lake Compounce is a beautiful park. Recently Vekoma Sales Representative Bennie Van Der Schlong was enjoying a relaxing day at the Kennywood-owned facility when two coaster enthusiasts, decked out in Beast and Son of Beast t-shirts, followed him in line. “I vasn’t quite sure vat they wanted,” noted Van Der Schlong, “but then I remembered I was wearing a Vekoma polo and sported a briefcase. Things could have gotten very ugly.”
Things, indeed, got very ugly when Van Der Schlong saw the faces of the two enthusiasts. Enthusiast Tim Simmons and his fugly wife Regina were standing in line for Boulderdash, two people behind the Dutch salesman, who noted that, “All I vanted to do was relax in the park with my meeting with the GM.” Like a vulture eyeing a carcass the enthusiasts crept closer, slowly inching their way to the loading platform where the restrictive line would be gone and they could get behind their sworn enemy -- a Vekoma salesman.
Seconds before confrontation a stroke of genius hit Van Der Schlong. “Vat I decided to do is ride in the second-to-last car,” said the crafty Dutchman. “I knew they vould not follow me into such an inferior seat.” The Cheese-Eater’s instincts served him well. Disgusted at the thought of riding anywhere but the back, the Simmonses moved to the rear of the train. They hoped to catch the sales guy on his way out, but as luck would have it they were on two different trains.
“I love stalking people, but I love the back seat more,” smiled Simmons in an ARN&R interview. “Best seat, best seat!”
--FMB
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
An Apology
Yesterday, we posted a SFNO piece poking fun at Six Flags marketing. When it was posted, it looked like the hurricane was going to be much less in terms of impact than it turned out to have, and then frankly we forgot about it being up on the site. We intended it to primarily make fun of Six Flags marketing but recognize that given how the situation has played out, it was a mistake to post it.
Our apologies.
Yesterday, we posted a SFNO piece poking fun at Six Flags marketing. When it was posted, it looked like the hurricane was going to be much less in terms of impact than it turned out to have, and then frankly we forgot about it being up on the site. We intended it to primarily make fun of Six Flags marketing but recognize that given how the situation has played out, it was a mistake to post it.
Our apologies.
ARN&R Hiatus Over
As you may have noticed from our article yesterday, ARN&R has begun the posting of articles again in earnest. That two-week hiatus we told you about is finally over, so your vigil can stop and you may feel free to resume your lives again.
Er...what's that? We didn't actually mention that we were going to be on hiatus for two weeks? Um...uh...well, we were so excited about our various trips and such that we kinda forgot. Sorry. Hope you found something else to pleasure yourselves viogrously to in the meantime.
Anyway, sorry to have left you in the lurch for a bit. We'll make it up to you with a bevy of England-themed humor for you in the upcoming weeks, as one of our correspondents is just about to return from a jaunt across the pond.
We thank our tens of loyal fans for their patience the past two weeks.
--JCK
As you may have noticed from our article yesterday, ARN&R has begun the posting of articles again in earnest. That two-week hiatus we told you about is finally over, so your vigil can stop and you may feel free to resume your lives again.
Er...what's that? We didn't actually mention that we were going to be on hiatus for two weeks? Um...uh...well, we were so excited about our various trips and such that we kinda forgot. Sorry. Hope you found something else to pleasure yourselves viogrously to in the meantime.
Anyway, sorry to have left you in the lurch for a bit. We'll make it up to you with a bevy of England-themed humor for you in the upcoming weeks, as one of our correspondents is just about to return from a jaunt across the pond.
We thank our tens of loyal fans for their patience the past two weeks.
--JCK
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Woman Can't Decide When Boyfriend Is Sexiest
Area woman Tory Abramowicz, 32, is in terrible quandary this week. Her problem? It's growing increasingly difficult for her to decide when her boyfriend is at his sexiest.
"He's always so awesome," she gushed to ARN&R. "But I just can't decide lately what makes him the hottest. Is it when he talks to me about how the ride experience might have differed on Hades if he'd ridden it at the convention with the tunnel lights on? Or maybe when he shows me those incomprehensible articles at ARN&R that he thinks are funny? Or when he notices slightly more braking than usual on something called the 'Montu midcourse brake' and shares that with me? Or even maybe it's when he can name some company that handled the trackwork on some coaster in New York without looking ashamed that he didn't have to look it up. Damn, he's a stud."
"Then again," she continued, "he might be at his sexiest when he does his fantasy football draft. I love it when he sits intensely at the computer for five hours and laughs out loud and calls his friends to make fun of allegedly stupid picks by other 'owners.' I can't wait til the actual season starts, so I can see him lounging on the couch all day drinking beer, watching football, and checking his so-called team's stats."
"Or," she added, after a moment's thought, "there's always the time he took me into New York to see the premiere of a Star Wars film. And then it's great when he quotes from Mystery Science Theater. And let's not forget the time he told me how Sauron was originally just the chief lieutenant of Morgoth before he became the main bad guy. He was so sexy every one of those times, I can't decide when he was the sexiest!"
"All I know is, I'm the luckiest girl on Earth," she concluded.
--JCK
Area woman Tory Abramowicz, 32, is in terrible quandary this week. Her problem? It's growing increasingly difficult for her to decide when her boyfriend is at his sexiest.
"He's always so awesome," she gushed to ARN&R. "But I just can't decide lately what makes him the hottest. Is it when he talks to me about how the ride experience might have differed on Hades if he'd ridden it at the convention with the tunnel lights on? Or maybe when he shows me those incomprehensible articles at ARN&R that he thinks are funny? Or when he notices slightly more braking than usual on something called the 'Montu midcourse brake' and shares that with me? Or even maybe it's when he can name some company that handled the trackwork on some coaster in New York without looking ashamed that he didn't have to look it up. Damn, he's a stud."
"Then again," she continued, "he might be at his sexiest when he does his fantasy football draft. I love it when he sits intensely at the computer for five hours and laughs out loud and calls his friends to make fun of allegedly stupid picks by other 'owners.' I can't wait til the actual season starts, so I can see him lounging on the couch all day drinking beer, watching football, and checking his so-called team's stats."
"Or," she added, after a moment's thought, "there's always the time he took me into New York to see the premiere of a Star Wars film. And then it's great when he quotes from Mystery Science Theater. And let's not forget the time he told me how Sauron was originally just the chief lieutenant of Morgoth before he became the main bad guy. He was so sexy every one of those times, I can't decide when he was the sexiest!"
"All I know is, I'm the luckiest girl on Earth," she concluded.
--JCK
Friday, August 12, 2005
Cover Bands to F*ckin' Rawk Six Flags New England
WCCC The Rock 106.9 presents the third annual Monsters of Mock Concert at Six Flags New England on Friday, July 8th, LIVE at the Typhoon Beach Stage. See three of the nation's top tribute bands tear it up! It's Metallica, U2 and Motley Crue all on one stage * sort of. We have the next best thing:
Featured performances by Wide Awake In America, a tribute to U2, Alcoholica, a tribute to Metallica, and Megahertz, a tribute to Motley Crue. WCCC and Coors Light will be hosting beach games with prizes.
Plan a day in the sun to ride the all-new Mr. Six's Pandemonium and check-out the Typhoon watercoaster in Hurricane Harbor. The Concert is free with your season pass or listen to The Rock 106.9 WCCC for more info and your chance to win your way in!
--The Six Flags New England Staff
[Editor's Note: One of our staff members at ARN&R received the preceding story, verbatim, in a bulk email from Six Flags New England. Our first thought was that it was just the usual stupid spam, but upon further reflection, we decided it was so funny that it simply had to be a satire submission from the park to us. We haven't had a theme park staff serve as a writer for ARN&R before, so welcome aboard, SFNE!]
WCCC The Rock 106.9 presents the third annual Monsters of Mock Concert at Six Flags New England on Friday, July 8th, LIVE at the Typhoon Beach Stage. See three of the nation's top tribute bands tear it up! It's Metallica, U2 and Motley Crue all on one stage * sort of. We have the next best thing:
Featured performances by Wide Awake In America, a tribute to U2, Alcoholica, a tribute to Metallica, and Megahertz, a tribute to Motley Crue. WCCC and Coors Light will be hosting beach games with prizes.
Plan a day in the sun to ride the all-new Mr. Six's Pandemonium and check-out the Typhoon watercoaster in Hurricane Harbor. The Concert is free with your season pass or listen to The Rock 106.9 WCCC for more info and your chance to win your way in!
--The Six Flags New England Staff
[Editor's Note: One of our staff members at ARN&R received the preceding story, verbatim, in a bulk email from Six Flags New England. Our first thought was that it was just the usual stupid spam, but upon further reflection, we decided it was so funny that it simply had to be a satire submission from the park to us. We haven't had a theme park staff serve as a writer for ARN&R before, so welcome aboard, SFNE!]
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Enthusiast Uncomfortable With Jump To "A-List" Status
"And just like that...poof...I was A-list," said Ferrari Albertina, pneumatic line manufacturer.
And so it began that faithful East Coaster. Albertina, who had lived a normal life of being a "high D, possibly low C-list" enthusiast was vaulted up in the eyes of fellow coaster geeks when he gave a 5 minute talk at the famous ACE wintertime gathering in beautiful downtown Allentown, Pennsylvania. "I just mentioned to Carol (the Lil' Kim of ACE) that I worked for a company that occasionally fabricated the pneumatic brake lines for Arrow and PTC. I don't know where things went so wrong," lamented Albertina. "Soon I was talking for five minutes about piping and all of the sudden I was a God to these things...er, people."
His friends said it was because he got stupid. Harvey Goldenblatt, self-proclaimed "Disney dork and Kosher enthusiast" said that Albertina simply got too full of himself. "Look, Ferrari did a great job of being low-key. He didn't let enthusiasts know what he did, he kept a low profile, hell, the boy hardly got laid -- that was dedication. But he f*cked it all up by presenting at East Coaster. His life as he knows it is over."
15 year-old Jared Diesel, webmaster of SuperUltimateRollerCoaster.com, echoed Goldenblatt's sentiments. "Yeah, Ferrari did a great job, as Snoop said, 'goin' Deep Cover,' but he screwed it up by presenting. He might as well pencil his ass in to presenting at East Coaster, Coaster Con, No Coaster and every other coaster event with food and no (or fugly) women."
We tracked down some of Albertina's RRC friends at Williams Grove. TimHi-8 and Shimmer said that the new darling of ACE should quit the coaster community. "He doesn't get laid as it is. I just think being a keynote speaker will only hurt my boy's chances of breaking off some ass," noted Shimmer.
All in all, Albertina is sorry he ventured north for that presentation. "Was it a little egotistical? Probably. But, in all honesty I had no idea random people would come up to me at parks and start 'rapping' with me about their favorite coasters. I just want it to stop. Please God, make it stop."
--FMB
"And just like that...poof...I was A-list," said Ferrari Albertina, pneumatic line manufacturer.
And so it began that faithful East Coaster. Albertina, who had lived a normal life of being a "high D, possibly low C-list" enthusiast was vaulted up in the eyes of fellow coaster geeks when he gave a 5 minute talk at the famous ACE wintertime gathering in beautiful downtown Allentown, Pennsylvania. "I just mentioned to Carol (the Lil' Kim of ACE) that I worked for a company that occasionally fabricated the pneumatic brake lines for Arrow and PTC. I don't know where things went so wrong," lamented Albertina. "Soon I was talking for five minutes about piping and all of the sudden I was a God to these things...er, people."
His friends said it was because he got stupid. Harvey Goldenblatt, self-proclaimed "Disney dork and Kosher enthusiast" said that Albertina simply got too full of himself. "Look, Ferrari did a great job of being low-key. He didn't let enthusiasts know what he did, he kept a low profile, hell, the boy hardly got laid -- that was dedication. But he f*cked it all up by presenting at East Coaster. His life as he knows it is over."
15 year-old Jared Diesel, webmaster of SuperUltimateRollerCoaster.com, echoed Goldenblatt's sentiments. "Yeah, Ferrari did a great job, as Snoop said, 'goin' Deep Cover,' but he screwed it up by presenting. He might as well pencil his ass in to presenting at East Coaster, Coaster Con, No Coaster and every other coaster event with food and no (or fugly) women."
We tracked down some of Albertina's RRC friends at Williams Grove. TimHi-8 and Shimmer said that the new darling of ACE should quit the coaster community. "He doesn't get laid as it is. I just think being a keynote speaker will only hurt my boy's chances of breaking off some ass," noted Shimmer.
All in all, Albertina is sorry he ventured north for that presentation. "Was it a little egotistical? Probably. But, in all honesty I had no idea random people would come up to me at parks and start 'rapping' with me about their favorite coasters. I just want it to stop. Please God, make it stop."
--FMB
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