Bracket Picks Based on Favorite Coasters

It's March, time for millions of people, whether avid basketball fans or not, to enter in workplace pools, picking the winners of the NCAA Division I championship. Iowa coaster enthusiast Eric Locksley has what is undoubtedly a unique approach in how he selected teams for entering the pool at the local Old Country Buffet, where he has worked for the past five years. ("I love the discount!")

Locksley, who says the only sport he watches is curling, picks teams based entirely on the quality of the amusement park rides in their home states. A huge fan of Six Flags New England and Mount Olympus, he picked Boston College and Wisconsin to reach the championship game. Unfortunately, both have already been defeated.

"Damn!" he said, when reached for an interview. "I'd picked Hades to totally kick Superman's ass!"

Locksley's coworkers say they are perfectly happy to take his entry fee but that they wish he would stop talking about rumors about Arnold's Park getting a massive new hypercoaster.

--GP

Addition of Tofurky to Turkey Whirl Fails Miserably

Holiday World is well-known, and deservedly so, for its friendly and welcoming nature. From Mrs. Koch greeting folks at the entrance to some of the nicest employees in the industry, it's just a plain cozy place to be.

So it should come as no surprise that the park would attempt to make its new turkey-themed Tilt-A-Whirl, "Turkey Whirl," welcoming to everyone, even vegetarians.

"But it didn't work, did it?" laughed park head Will Koch. "We thought we had the technology, the know-how, and the equipment, but we didn't count on what happened..."

As Koch tells it, the plan worked well during the bitterest cold. "The good people at Sellner had formed together about thirty Tofurky roasts, using Tofurky Jurky and 'Giblet' and Mushroom Gravy as adhesives, and somehow made it fit together in the exact shape of a Tilt-A-Whirl ride carriage. It went great when we first tested the ride -- it was about ten degrees out and the people riding the Tofurky Whirl seat loved it! The slight flexibility of products formed from water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (water, organic soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), white beans, garbanzo beans, non genetically engineered corn starch, natural vegetarian flavor, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, shoyu soy sauce (water, non genetically engineered soy beans, wheat, salt, culture), spices, lemon juice, and calcium lactate from beets, actually made the ride a bit more comfortable!"

Things went awry, however, when the temperature rose above freezing for several days last week.

"We were doing some training for ride operators, so we started up the ride again. But..." Here Koch's voice trailed off, and he just shook his head quietly. But surveillance video obtained by ARN&R tells the rest of the story.

As the ride starts, all of the test riders (all new employees) are laughing and enjoying themselves, including the vegetarian employees who moved there from northern California. As the ride reaches its normal operating speed, however, bits of soy-based products start flying off, with Tofurky deli slices pelting the ride operator trainer and Not Dogs later being found as far as 100 feet away. By the time the ride came to a complete stop, the employees who were sitting in the Soy Seat were sitting in a small puddle of melted soy protein, safe but humiliated.

Koch says that he is putting on hold plans to offer vegan water ride tubes formed out of tempeh.

--GP

SFGAMWorld Forum Poster Sadly Mistaken

We here at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors wholeheartedly applaud the Six Flags decision to bring the Johnny Rockets hamburger chain to several of its park locations for the 2007 season. After all, what could be better for Six Flags than another understaffed counter-service restaurant with questionable nutritional value?

But as is the case with all earth-shaking announcements of this nature, incorrect information is bound to spread. Such is the case in this SFGAMWorld thread discussing the possible location of the restaurant at Great America. In this thread, the poster known as “Aaron084” states that he won’t mind paying $2.50 for one of the eatery’s soft drinks, seeing as how they will be offered in an “all-you-can-drink” format.

“W-what?” asked a stunned Six Flags Chairman of the Board Daniel Snyder during an unsolicited telephone interview. “Someone actually thinks Johnny Rockets is going to have all-you-can-drink refreshments? And for two-fifty? You’ve got to be kidding me!

When ARN&R read the online statement to him verbatim, Snyder excused himself for nearly thirty seconds, during which hysterical laughter and coughing was audible. When he returned, he asked “Why don’t you ask Aaron084 if he’d like anything else in the 2007 season? Free parking, perhaps? How about friendly ride operators? Maybe restrooms that get cleaned more than once every moon cycle? I’ll tell Aaron084 what I tell all Six Flags patrons; if you don’t like the way we do business, go pound sand.

“Two fifty for a Coke,” Snyder muttered before hanging up. “You’ve got to be f---ing kidding me.”

(In addition, the SFGAMWorld poster known as Cs5163 is the winner of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Obvious Proclamation Award for the month of February for her statement “heck even a resturant that is strickly buffet I would like”.)

--CMV

Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic

It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the Beast thong.

But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007 Beast Thong Farewell Tour.

Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.

The decision to discontinue the Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.

And hey, while you’re over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.

(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)

--CMV

ValleyFair changes name to Trim Brake Kingdom

Shakopee, Minn, Feb 27 - Under recommendation by Cedar Fair Entertainment Company--and their new ‘clear and sensible’ policy of renaming parks-- ValleyFair announced it will operate as Trim Brake Kingdom. The name change will transition throughout the park’s season beginning May 12, 2007.

Alan Schwartz, the park’s VP and general manager explained, “Frankly, we’ve always operated as the Trim Brake Capital. I’m sorry--of the PLANET,“ adding the final three words after a poke in the ribs from a CF board member we won‘t name. “Where do you start? Excalibur’s record-setting first drop brakes? The one that massacres High Roller’s return run? Let’s not forget we replaced a classic Schwarzkopf mouse with a ride sporting five times the trims,” he continued, bouncing in his seat while rubbing his hands with glee. “While the park name will change, our commitment to killing all forward momentum? Same as it always was.”

But that’s not the only addition guests will enjoy this season. “Screechy,” a six-foot tall walking--and often erratically halting--caliper brake mascot will debut at the park this season. The Gazebo Stage show musical, “STOP…in the name of What?” will move the audience with a medley of songs. Just not too much in one direction at any given time. And the IMAX theater’s new film, “The Ride is Coming to a Stop Again--Why, God? Why?” will explore the history and future of braking technology while the usual occupants nod to sleep.

Other Cedar Fair ‘clear and sensible’ name changes are bound to follow. Las Vegas’s Star Trek: The Experience is expected to add Clusterfuck: The Ultimate Ferengi Ripoff, which will actually be a large neon sign pointing to the admission booths. While Screamscape also reports the addition of ‘premium’ stalls for kicking one’s own ass after spending $40 for all of two rides, this may be little more than enthusiast fantasy.

--CO

Los Angeles Homeless Man Refuses To Live In Home Constructed From Psyclone Remains

He may live in a Whirlpool refrigerator box, said Los Angeles transient Andy “Rickets” Delaney, but he still has standards.

This week, Delaney rejected a Six Flags Magic Mountain offer to build him a mini-bungalow from the remains of Psyclone, the park’s Dinn Corporation wooden coaster. Psyclone is slated to be demolished later this year, and Six Flags decided to put the remains to good use by building several domiciles for the Los Angeles area homeless. But Delaney would have none of that.

“You gotta be crazy!” Delaney bellowed at ARN&R hack CMV during an interview over a bottle of Four Roses wine. “I used to live in the dumpster out back of the Hamburger Hamlet in Valencia. I know what that coaster did to people. No way am I living in a house made outta that wood! It’s cursed, I tell you! Cursed!”

Scratching his lice-infested scalp, Delaney continued. “I may be a bum, but I ain’t stupid. I would either wake up everyday with a splitting headache, or the whole damn thing would collapse on me some night. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll take my chances out on the street with the weather, the wild dogs, and the gangs.”

“That was the last reaction I expected to hear,” said SFMM Public Relations Manager Karen Eden, when informed of Delaney’s refusal. “It’s a win-win situation for everyone. The park gets to free up some land for an exciting and dynamic new adventure, and that displaced man gets a roof over his head. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Showing surprising knowledge of the amusement park industry for a man who survives on fare scavenged from garbage cans, Delaney stated that Magic Mountain is fooling no one with their claims of an exciting and dynamic new adventure. He also stated that he’d rather eat off the floor of the Los Angeles Greyhound bus terminal than dine at the park’s new Johnny Rocket’s Express.

--CMV

Amusement Park Music Composers to Picket SXSW

Most years at the South by Southwest Music Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest crowds are those of wristband-clad fans trying to get into the hottest showcases at Emo's or the Austin Music Hall.

This year, though, they just might be outside the convention center, wearing signs saying things like "Riddler's Revenge Overture Rocks! Give Us A Panel!" and "I'd Like To See Anyone From Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Write a Medley of Today's Hottest Country Songs Without Going Crazy!"

That's because for the fifth consecutive year, conference organizers have refused to create a panel at the conference for the discussion of the writing and arrangement of music performed or played at amusement parks.

"We just want to get our due," said Hobson Fitchburg IV, who counts the background music of "Crackaxle Canyon" at various Six Flags parks among his credits, along with arranging the music performed by the marching brass ensemble at Valleyfair! in 1987. "We deserve to be recognized for our vital role in contemporary music and composition. While we're at it, some of the ensembles should really be given a showcase -- that'd be huge! Who wouldn't want to hear songs by The Fray, Daniel Powter, and Justin Timberlake performed by high-energy people with a sparkling pre-recorded background?"

Stephanie Hathaway, who says she arranged the "very special" version of the Halloween theme music played in the themed section of the same name at Holiday World, concurs. "We are just as much a part of the modern music community as anyone. If you don't think it's outrageous for us to be excluded, just ask yourself this question: Where would we be if the art community acted the same? You'd never see caricature artists or airbrush artists on display at the Met or Tate Modern or MoMA, would you? And wouldn't your world be just a little emptier?"

Both performers then had to end the interview to get back to perform for the 3:00 performance of the Hawaiian stage show at the Pittsburgh-area Conley Inn.

South by Southwest officials did not return repeated requests for comment.

--GP

Further Mission: Space Changes Revealed

Less than a year after the "kinder, gentler" Mission: Space was introduced, with the spinning action removed from some of the modules, Disney announced even more changes, adding what Imagineers called a "truly interactive component" to the underachieving ride.

"We've closed the attraction for approximately a week," said spokesman David Kumho. "But when it reopens, boy, it's going to be phenomenal!"

According to site plans obtained by ARN&R, each rider will, when entering the queue, be given a tan trench coat, a new steel mallet, a new folding knife with a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, and large plastic garbage bags. Each rider will also be required to don a diaper.

The plans are unclear about precisely what follows, but it appears likely that patrons will be required to drive approximately 1,000 miles at the Richard Petty Speedway attraction without stopping before doing anything with the equipment given to them and prior to any opportunity to board the actual Mission: Space attraction. Additionally, it appears likely that the Mission: Space ride will have a waterbed and heart-shaped hot tub added, for reasons not yet disclosed.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the newly-revamped attraction will be sponsored by London Fog Outerwear, Hefty Bags, and Depends.

--GP

Camelot Theme Park Staffer's Date Disputes Press Release

The Camelot Theme Park recently announced a new coaster, declaring it, at 2,600 feet, one of the longest roller coasters in existence. The press release, written by one Barry Carlton of Lancashire, described the ride -- with a top speed of over 40 miles per hour -- as a white knuckle attraction with "world class thrills."

In a related story, Carlton's date last Saturday issued a press release announcing that "Barry Carlton is pathetically unable to judge length, the thrills related to length, the relative length of any given item compared to world records or even world averages, what it means to provide 'world class thrills,' or the necessary speeds required to provide satisfaction, much less thrills, to others. Also, it's really gross when his back hair gets caught in his chain mail. In short -- and I cannot emphasize the word 'short' enough -- he's clueless."

Carlton was unavailable for comment.

--GP

Coasterbuzz Poster Creates Exciting New Variety Of Performance Art

For years, the phrase “performance art” has had a less than positive connotation, conjuring up visions of bizarre collections of unrelated parts or eccentric performances in poorly-lit galleries. An assortment of Mego action figure parts slathered in mayonnaise and stacked in a litter box would be said to symbolize mankind’s contempt for nature, while a grown man wearing a Rainbow Brite mask might play a children’s ukulele for five hours as a way to convey his festering resentment toward his mother.

That stereotype is a thing of the past, thanks to one man.

Art critics the world over are gushing about a new form of performance art created by Coasterbuzz poster Jason Hammond. Echoing the movements called "Fluxus" and "Dada" this new form of art is dubbed “grammer” by its creator and is expressed solely through the written word, and throws conventional rules and conventions right out the proverbial window.

“I’m not the type to frequent websites about roller coasters. Frankly, I think most of those people are vapid twits,” said Charles DuMonche, director of the DuMonche Art Gallery in New York City. “But this is an incredible breakthrough. I’m prepared to go on record saying that this is the most important innovation in the art world in the past one hundred years.”

“One only has to go to the thread itself to witness this work of genius firsthand,” said Andru Applethorpe, senior writer for Artiste Monthly. “Its beauty is in its deception. At first read of his work, you believe he is nothing more than a mouth breathing simpleton who confuses the words 'your' and 'you’re,' and constantly misspells the word 'believe.' But then, your world is turned upside down by the end statement, where he adds, '<edited for grammer>.' Only then do you realize that what you just read was created under 'grammer' rules, and it is you who are the one who appears stupid. I was floored.”

“Predicted to become the new standard in written performance art within three years,” said the notoriously-succinct art review website known as Artbits.org. “Extra credit for intentional misspelling of word 'grammar.' Delicious irony.”

Jason Hammond, typical of most great visionaries, was unavailable for comment. ARN&R contacted Jeff Putz, webmaster of Coasterbuzz, in an attempt to confirm that Hammond is indeed a serious artist, and not just a dim-witted enthusiast with a shaky grasp on the English language.

“Don’t you go putting ideas in anybody’s head! Do you know how much I’ve invested in pop-up ads to sell 8x10s of this guy’s work?” Putz bellowed over the phone. “This is going to make me rich, do you hear me? Richer than Shapiro and Snyder combined!”

--CMV