Breaking News About Hard Rock Park Coaster

In an ARN&R exclusive (must credit), sources have provided additional new details about the B&M coaster themed after legendary rock group Led Zeppelin.

While reports to date have identified the coaster as a traditional sit-down coaster, the trains will, according to high-level designers speaking anonymously, in fact have separate "Bonham rows." In the Bonham rows, patrons will ride in a prone position, facing downward with a large bucket directly below their heads. In addition, prior to boarding the trains, riders will be given four quadruple vodkas and a ham roll.

"This ride is all about getting the full Led Zeppelin experience," said one designer. "While we can't make one quarter of the patrons choke on their own vomit, we can give them something like the Bonham lifestyle."

--GP

Typo in News Report Causes Chaos in Coaster Community

A copy editing error in an AP story published online on Saturday has caused enormous confusion in the amusement park discussion community. In the original AP story, comments that were in fact made by Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel were inadvertently attributed to Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro.

The trouble started when blogger David Plash posted a detailed criticism of the comments on his CoasterNalysis blog. Believing the comments to reflect Six Flags's strategic plan as laid out by Shapiro, and noting that it included a statement that incurring nearly $2 billion in debt to acquire parks was a wise move, Plash posted a blistering message, describing the use of debt to obtain new parks and to invest in new rides as "ridiculous, insane, moronic, and utterly lacking in business acumen." He further suggested that "Shapiro should learn something from Kinzel, who would never talk about taking on that kind of debt as a smart idea."

Approximately two hours later, the AP issued a correction, noting that the comments were actually from an interview with Dick Kinzel. Plash immediately retracted his post, stating that even with exactly the same comments on exactly the same subjects, Kinzel was brilliant while Shapiro was a moron. He concluded: "Doubleplusgood! War is peace!"

--GP

AmusementSafety.org Branching Out

California-based AmusementSafety.org announced today that it would, beginning immediately, launch itself as safety experts in the pharmaceutical, automotive, genetics, and heavy machinery industries.

"Within weeks, we expect to start getting quoted by oblivious reporters who spend no time considering whether we in fact have any qualifications," said a press release issued by the organization. "We can set up another website that would have maybe looked modern in 1995 within, like, five minutes, and start issuing self-important pronouncements a couple of hours later. No problem!"

Indeed, within two hours of the press release's issuance, the group distributed its first "safety alert" regarding the popular anti-cholesterol medication Lipitor. "One PharmaSafety member has reported that this product can cause dizziness if you smack yourself on the head very hard with the bottle. Another reports that the drug can cause discomfort if placed in the anus. Both report that their usage did not result in lowered cholesterol. We think this is enough information to declare the product a problem and to describe [Lipitor manufacturer] Pfizer as anti-consumer."

Similarly, the group urged "caution" in connection with the Toyota Prius, because "three out of four Prius drivers felt unsafe when drivng it at eighty miles per hour while drunk. Toyota clearly has different priorities than driver safety!"

When asked for their qualifications to evaluate the safety of pharmaceuticals, automobiles, genetic therapies, and heavy machinery, an organization spokesman said, "We are exactly as qualified to be a safety authority about those industries as we are about amusement rides."

--GP

Six Flags Great Adventure Opening Day Brings New Technology

Visitors to Six Flags Great Adventure this week were greeted by the newest example of the company’s dedication to customer service; self-service kiosks at the parking gates. Guests can now conveniently use their credit or debit cards to pay the massive charges levied for the privilege of parking their vehicles in the park’s hellish domain of cracked asphalt. But not to worry, says Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro, most people won’t even notice the difference.

“It’s all part of our plan to fully immerse guests in the Six Flags experience,” said Shapiro. “Guests can expect the same high level of customer service from these soulless automatons that they would receive from their flesh and blood counterparts.”

Reports from the park state that the wait time for processing and admission to the lot using the kiosks averages at around twelve minutes, which closely mirrors the time invested with a human parking booth attendant. In addition, the kiosks randomly blow cigarette smoke into the interior of visitors’ vehicles, and a robotic arm dangles park literature just out of reach. Unsubstantiated reports also proclaim that some kiosks will spray vehicle doors with urine, and ignore waiting customers while carrying on long-winded conversations with other kiosks about American Idol.

ARN&R has learned that if this experiment is a success, Six Flags may explore the possibility of installing more robotic appliances in its parks. Rumored positions include Guest Relations androids who digitally record customer complaints and replay them back in a contemptuous and mocking tone, and automated restroom attendants who remain fixed in one place, moving only to thumb through a copy of Cherry magazine.

--CMV

Kucinich to Hold Hearings on SoB's New Trains

Presidential candidate and Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) announced today his plans to hold extensive hearings on rumors about Cedar Fair's plans to replace the trains on the Kings Island coaster Son of Beast.

"I can't believe they're talking about replacing the trains with Gerstlauers," said Kucinich in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I mean, what are they thinking? Have they never ridden in them? They beat the hell out of you, especially if you're, um, of a smaller stature. They've got no padding, they track terribly, and they rip the heck out of the track. It's terrible!"

Senior Kucinich staffers confirmed that he had chosen the new subject of activism because all of the rest of the Democratic presidential candidates had, in his words, "stolen" his idea of being opposed to the Iraq War.

Immediate reaction from the enthusiast community was overwhelmingly positive. "It's about time!" wrote USAirTimeWayz312 at SaveTheSonOfBeast.com's forums. "Finally, a politician is paying attention to important issues!" Similarly, TheBigOhio69 posted that "Dennis Kucinich is savvily seeking the enthusiast vote, and I commend him for it!" on his RideTheVote.org blog.

Kucinich would not confirm that he was considering introducing legislation mandating an exception to the minimum height requirements on coasters for current or former members of Congress.

--GP

Carlos Mencia Ejected From Magic Kingdom

Carlos Mencia, host of the Comedy Central show Mind of Mencia, was forcibly ejected from Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom yesterday by Disney Security. A press release issued by the Walt Disney Company confirmed that the beleaguered comedian was removed from the park for trespassing and conduct unbecoming a Disney Guest.

According to the statement, Mencia was present at the Magic Kingdom entrance around 6am, and upon official park opening, entered the queue for the park’s new Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor Comedy Club. During the first performance, Mencia was verbally warned several times not to videotape the show, but chose to ignore the requests, leading to him being escorted from the attraction.

Mencia then allegedly gained entrance to the attraction again, disguising himself with a Goofy hat and a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses. ARN&R spoke to several Disney guests present during the incident, and gained some details of Mencia’s bizarre behavior.

“The pre-show was pretty neat, especially when they ask people to text in jokes that the monsters can use in their act,” said Ray Goering of Independence, Kentucky. “I noticed that that Mencia guy was moving around the room and peering over people’s shoulders to see what they were texting. He would do that, scribble something on a napkin, and then move on to someone else. And he kept talking to himself, saying something like ‘That’s gold, that’s gold.’ The guy was really creeping me out.”

After several complaints from guests, Disney Security once again escorted Mencia out of the theatre, and warned him further attempts to gain entrance to the attraction would result in his ejection from the park. Approximately a half-hour later, Security was summoned again, and found Mencia at the attraction’s exit, pressing an audio recording device up to a crack in the doorway. Mencia was then ejected from the park.

Unconfirmed reports stated that later that day, Mencia exhibited similar behavior at Epcot’s Honey, I Shrunk The Audience and the Animal Kingdom’s Pocahontas and Her Forest Friends. In both cases, Mencia fled before Disney Security could intervene.

Representatives for Mencia and Comedy Central refused to comment, saying only that Mencia is on an extended vacation in Branson, Missouri, where he plans to attend scores of performances at the Yakov Smirnoff Theatre.

--CMV

Bracket Picks Based on Favorite Coasters

It's March, time for millions of people, whether avid basketball fans or not, to enter in workplace pools, picking the winners of the NCAA Division I championship. Iowa coaster enthusiast Eric Locksley has what is undoubtedly a unique approach in how he selected teams for entering the pool at the local Old Country Buffet, where he has worked for the past five years. ("I love the discount!")

Locksley, who says the only sport he watches is curling, picks teams based entirely on the quality of the amusement park rides in their home states. A huge fan of Six Flags New England and Mount Olympus, he picked Boston College and Wisconsin to reach the championship game. Unfortunately, both have already been defeated.

"Damn!" he said, when reached for an interview. "I'd picked Hades to totally kick Superman's ass!"

Locksley's coworkers say they are perfectly happy to take his entry fee but that they wish he would stop talking about rumors about Arnold's Park getting a massive new hypercoaster.

--GP

Addition of Tofurky to Turkey Whirl Fails Miserably

Holiday World is well-known, and deservedly so, for its friendly and welcoming nature. From Mrs. Koch greeting folks at the entrance to some of the nicest employees in the industry, it's just a plain cozy place to be.

So it should come as no surprise that the park would attempt to make its new turkey-themed Tilt-A-Whirl, "Turkey Whirl," welcoming to everyone, even vegetarians.

"But it didn't work, did it?" laughed park head Will Koch. "We thought we had the technology, the know-how, and the equipment, but we didn't count on what happened..."

As Koch tells it, the plan worked well during the bitterest cold. "The good people at Sellner had formed together about thirty Tofurky roasts, using Tofurky Jurky and 'Giblet' and Mushroom Gravy as adhesives, and somehow made it fit together in the exact shape of a Tilt-A-Whirl ride carriage. It went great when we first tested the ride -- it was about ten degrees out and the people riding the Tofurky Whirl seat loved it! The slight flexibility of products formed from water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (water, organic soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), white beans, garbanzo beans, non genetically engineered corn starch, natural vegetarian flavor, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, shoyu soy sauce (water, non genetically engineered soy beans, wheat, salt, culture), spices, lemon juice, and calcium lactate from beets, actually made the ride a bit more comfortable!"

Things went awry, however, when the temperature rose above freezing for several days last week.

"We were doing some training for ride operators, so we started up the ride again. But..." Here Koch's voice trailed off, and he just shook his head quietly. But surveillance video obtained by ARN&R tells the rest of the story.

As the ride starts, all of the test riders (all new employees) are laughing and enjoying themselves, including the vegetarian employees who moved there from northern California. As the ride reaches its normal operating speed, however, bits of soy-based products start flying off, with Tofurky deli slices pelting the ride operator trainer and Not Dogs later being found as far as 100 feet away. By the time the ride came to a complete stop, the employees who were sitting in the Soy Seat were sitting in a small puddle of melted soy protein, safe but humiliated.

Koch says that he is putting on hold plans to offer vegan water ride tubes formed out of tempeh.

--GP

SFGAMWorld Forum Poster Sadly Mistaken

We here at Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors wholeheartedly applaud the Six Flags decision to bring the Johnny Rockets hamburger chain to several of its park locations for the 2007 season. After all, what could be better for Six Flags than another understaffed counter-service restaurant with questionable nutritional value?

But as is the case with all earth-shaking announcements of this nature, incorrect information is bound to spread. Such is the case in this SFGAMWorld thread discussing the possible location of the restaurant at Great America. In this thread, the poster known as “Aaron084” states that he won’t mind paying $2.50 for one of the eatery’s soft drinks, seeing as how they will be offered in an “all-you-can-drink” format.

“W-what?” asked a stunned Six Flags Chairman of the Board Daniel Snyder during an unsolicited telephone interview. “Someone actually thinks Johnny Rockets is going to have all-you-can-drink refreshments? And for two-fifty? You’ve got to be kidding me!

When ARN&R read the online statement to him verbatim, Snyder excused himself for nearly thirty seconds, during which hysterical laughter and coughing was audible. When he returned, he asked “Why don’t you ask Aaron084 if he’d like anything else in the 2007 season? Free parking, perhaps? How about friendly ride operators? Maybe restrooms that get cleaned more than once every moon cycle? I’ll tell Aaron084 what I tell all Six Flags patrons; if you don’t like the way we do business, go pound sand.

“Two fifty for a Coke,” Snyder muttered before hanging up. “You’ve got to be f---ing kidding me.”

(In addition, the SFGAMWorld poster known as Cs5163 is the winner of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Obvious Proclamation Award for the month of February for her statement “heck even a resturant that is strickly buffet I would like”.)

--CMV

Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic

It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the Beast thong.

But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007 Beast Thong Farewell Tour.

Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.

The decision to discontinue the Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.

And hey, while you’re over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.

(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)

--CMV