Six Flags Finally Gets Priorities Straight

We’ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.

“This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.” said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. “This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.”

Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.

“We have zero tolerance for these kinds of ‘mistakes’.” Gabbert said. “She’s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn’t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I’d say she got off easy.”

Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as “Jerry” and “Tim”. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to “mind his business” and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could “conveniently” appear near our feet at any time.

As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have “been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground”, and another states that Melendez “deserve(d) to die” for her hideous transgression.

--CMV

Six Flags Stymied In Their Attempts To Rid Themselves Of Coasters

After nearly six years of complications, delays, and inordinate downtime, Six Flags is quietly making plans to rid themselves of their three Vekoma Deja Vu coasters. But ARN&R has learned of a snag in the park giant’s plans; Vekoma will not refund Six Flags’ money without the original sales receipt.

“It’s official company policy,” stated a Vekoma customer service representative who declined to be named. “We only accept returns for cash with a valid sales receipt. All returns without a receipt will be issued store credit, or the amount of value on a Vekoma Gift Card.”

And it appears that no amount of whining or cajoling on Six Flags’ part will alter Vekoma’s company policy. “Without a valid receipt, we have no way of knowing if the coaster was actually purchased from us,” the Vekoma rep went on to say. “It could very well be an Intamin product, or, heaven forbid, a Togo.”

“Of course it’s theirs!” responded a frothing mad Frank Kincaid, Six Flags’ Undersecretary of Finance. “The damn thing only worked for a few weeks at a time, who else’s could it have been?”

Kincaid admitted that he doesn’t have the receipt, despite looking “really hard” for it. He also acknowledged that it may have gotten lost under a massive pile of guest complaints about the chains’ Operation Spy Girl stunt show at Six Flags Great America.

--CMV

Reasons We Wish We Were Still Kinda Paying Attention

1. We would have pointed out that a lot of the reason for ACE's high profile location for "gravy buffet" is, well, us. Look down in the footer. That's been there for a looong time.

2 . We might know what this is about, because it sounds pretty funny.

3. We would have made more of the Wild West World collapse, though we're still rather fond of the headline we did do on it.

4. We could have had a reason to visit ThrillNetwork's boards far more often.

5. We could have wondered far more often and loudly about the disappearance of JL57.

But, alas, we're not still kinda paying attention. Tough break, that.

Cedar Fair's Expansion of PKI Parking Lot Vending Runs Into a Snag

Like all amusement park chains, Cedar Fair is always on the lookout for a new profit center, whether it's on-ride pictures, premium parking, or paid line-jumping. Earlier this season, they thought they had a sure winner at Kings Island, one that might even make up for the bad press related to the loop removal on Son of Beast: Heroin sales in the parking lot.

"It'd be perfect for calming patrons down before they come in," said park spokesman Roger Machina. "And you haven't seen our fireworks displays until you've seen them on crank. Or so I'm told. I certainly don't know." So the park started its new project, retrofitting a Dippin' Dots cart, now called the "Rolling Smack Shack." Business was good, until unfortunately a NASCAR truck racer was arrested for possession of illegal substances.

"Turns out it's illegal," said Machina, shaking his head. "We had no idea. And we had huge future plans, including a celebrity tie-in, where we were in talks with Courtney Love to make the cart 'Kurt Cobain's Rolling Smack Shack.'"

Plans to sell actual handguns at the "Shoot 'Em Up" midway game have also been put on hold.

--GP

More Details About Universal’s Wizarding World Of Harry Potter Emerge

The theme park world is abuzz with talk about Universal Orlando’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter, due to open at the Islands of Adventure park in 2009. So far, the public has only been made privy to conceptual drawings and basic information about the new themed land. ARN&R, however, has managed to glean more details about this new endeavor.

-To entertain them while standing in hours-long queues, visitors will be groped by characters dressed as Mundungus Fletcher.

-All lockers will be replaced with Vanishing Cabinets; guests may or may not see their belongings ever again.

-The main form of internal transportation through the land will be on the Knight Bus, a cramped vehicle that maneuvers at a high rate of speed seemingly without regard for safety of passengers and pedestrians alike. Universal will reportedly purchase the entire fleet of parking lot trams from Six Flags Magic Mountain for use as the Buses, as these vehicles would require little, if any, modification.

-Finally, each visitor will have the opportunity to gaze into the Mirror of Erised, a mystical device which shows the viewer his or her greatest desire. Undoubtedly, most visitors will see themselves at Walt Disney World, some sixteen miles down Interstate 4.

--CMV

A Serious Note

Our thoughts and best wishes go out to the victim of last week's unfortunate accident at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom and her family. We here at Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors hope for her full and complete recovery. Because of the tragic nature of this accident, we will abstain from any of the traditionally sardonic comments you've come to know and love.

Unless this is revealed to be a maintenance issue, in which case all of our guns will be blazing.

--CMV

Breaking News About Hard Rock Park Coaster

In an ARN&R exclusive (must credit), sources have provided additional new details about the B&M coaster themed after legendary rock group Led Zeppelin.

While reports to date have identified the coaster as a traditional sit-down coaster, the trains will, according to high-level designers speaking anonymously, in fact have separate "Bonham rows." In the Bonham rows, patrons will ride in a prone position, facing downward with a large bucket directly below their heads. In addition, prior to boarding the trains, riders will be given four quadruple vodkas and a ham roll.

"This ride is all about getting the full Led Zeppelin experience," said one designer. "While we can't make one quarter of the patrons choke on their own vomit, we can give them something like the Bonham lifestyle."

--GP

Typo in News Report Causes Chaos in Coaster Community

A copy editing error in an AP story published online on Saturday has caused enormous confusion in the amusement park discussion community. In the original AP story, comments that were in fact made by Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel were inadvertently attributed to Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro.

The trouble started when blogger David Plash posted a detailed criticism of the comments on his CoasterNalysis blog. Believing the comments to reflect Six Flags's strategic plan as laid out by Shapiro, and noting that it included a statement that incurring nearly $2 billion in debt to acquire parks was a wise move, Plash posted a blistering message, describing the use of debt to obtain new parks and to invest in new rides as "ridiculous, insane, moronic, and utterly lacking in business acumen." He further suggested that "Shapiro should learn something from Kinzel, who would never talk about taking on that kind of debt as a smart idea."

Approximately two hours later, the AP issued a correction, noting that the comments were actually from an interview with Dick Kinzel. Plash immediately retracted his post, stating that even with exactly the same comments on exactly the same subjects, Kinzel was brilliant while Shapiro was a moron. He concluded: "Doubleplusgood! War is peace!"

--GP

AmusementSafety.org Branching Out

California-based AmusementSafety.org announced today that it would, beginning immediately, launch itself as safety experts in the pharmaceutical, automotive, genetics, and heavy machinery industries.

"Within weeks, we expect to start getting quoted by oblivious reporters who spend no time considering whether we in fact have any qualifications," said a press release issued by the organization. "We can set up another website that would have maybe looked modern in 1995 within, like, five minutes, and start issuing self-important pronouncements a couple of hours later. No problem!"

Indeed, within two hours of the press release's issuance, the group distributed its first "safety alert" regarding the popular anti-cholesterol medication Lipitor. "One PharmaSafety member has reported that this product can cause dizziness if you smack yourself on the head very hard with the bottle. Another reports that the drug can cause discomfort if placed in the anus. Both report that their usage did not result in lowered cholesterol. We think this is enough information to declare the product a problem and to describe [Lipitor manufacturer] Pfizer as anti-consumer."

Similarly, the group urged "caution" in connection with the Toyota Prius, because "three out of four Prius drivers felt unsafe when drivng it at eighty miles per hour while drunk. Toyota clearly has different priorities than driver safety!"

When asked for their qualifications to evaluate the safety of pharmaceuticals, automobiles, genetic therapies, and heavy machinery, an organization spokesman said, "We are exactly as qualified to be a safety authority about those industries as we are about amusement rides."

--GP

Six Flags Great Adventure Opening Day Brings New Technology

Visitors to Six Flags Great Adventure this week were greeted by the newest example of the company’s dedication to customer service; self-service kiosks at the parking gates. Guests can now conveniently use their credit or debit cards to pay the massive charges levied for the privilege of parking their vehicles in the park’s hellish domain of cracked asphalt. But not to worry, says Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro, most people won’t even notice the difference.

“It’s all part of our plan to fully immerse guests in the Six Flags experience,” said Shapiro. “Guests can expect the same high level of customer service from these soulless automatons that they would receive from their flesh and blood counterparts.”

Reports from the park state that the wait time for processing and admission to the lot using the kiosks averages at around twelve minutes, which closely mirrors the time invested with a human parking booth attendant. In addition, the kiosks randomly blow cigarette smoke into the interior of visitors’ vehicles, and a robotic arm dangles park literature just out of reach. Unsubstantiated reports also proclaim that some kiosks will spray vehicle doors with urine, and ignore waiting customers while carrying on long-winded conversations with other kiosks about American Idol.

ARN&R has learned that if this experiment is a success, Six Flags may explore the possibility of installing more robotic appliances in its parks. Rumored positions include Guest Relations androids who digitally record customer complaints and replay them back in a contemptuous and mocking tone, and automated restroom attendants who remain fixed in one place, moving only to thumb through a copy of Cherry magazine.

--CMV