Thursday, March 09, 2006

Six Flags Over Georgia Becomes More Family Friendly

In his now-famous January publicity stunt where he toured Six Flags Over Georgia with reporters and the park's staff, pointing out things that needed to be fixed or altered in that park and the chain as a whole, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro included among his many pronouncements the news that Six Flags will be primarily purchasing family attractions in the near future. Citing a desire to target younger children and happy families more than the loutish teens currently running amok in most Six Flags properties, Shapiro stated that "[y]ou won't see any more Goliaths," a reference to Six Flags Over Georgia's new B&M hypercoaster.

Estimating that family rides cost less than a tenth of what one massive attraction would, and that said massive attractions fail to pay for themselves, Shapiro indicated that upcoming seasons would result in a drastic new look for Six Flags properties.

That drastic new look has arrived. Workers arrived at Six Flags Over Georgia this morning to begin the brisk demolition of Goliath, as well as several other large, non-family-friendly thrillers like the Mindbender, Batman: The Ride, and the Georgia Cyclone.

"This is a sad day for coaster fans everywhere," said a random man in the parking lot wearing nothing but a Beast thong and a coaster patch vest.

In an exclusive interview, Shapiro allowed ARN&R to see the list of fun new family-friendly attractions that will soon be erected at SFOG in place of the disturbing, unprofitable thrill rides that are currently being dismantled and sold for scrap:

Toy Dump Truck
Coloring Books
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Mobile Hanging Above Crib
Lincoln Logs
Pan to Bang On With Metal Spoon

"Between the massive savings this type of ride package will afford us, combined with the scrap metal sale, the influx of new family visitors, and jacking the entrance price by 600 percent or so, Six Flags' debt will soon be a thing of the past," Shapiro told us, off the record.


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