Thursday, March 09, 2006

Three ACE Members Totally Shocked That Clay Aiken Might Be Gay

According to credible sources, as many as three members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were completely surprised by rumors that former American Idol runner-up and almost-singer Clay Aiken might be gay.

"I'm shocked!" cried Bubba Wilson, one of the three, in an interview conducted with the lifelong coaster enthusiast on his stained mattress in his mother's basement. "Who could have ever guessed such a thing?" Wilson added, before going back to the task that has occupied him for much of the past eleven days: cramming a forty-third coaster into his latest Roller Coaster Tycoon park.

Unlike Wilson and two other ACE members, the majority of those involved with the coaster enthusiast organization say that the potential gay Aiken news is not all that exciting. "Um, yeah, that was a shock for the ages," said yawning twenty-year ACE veteran Phil Wrightster from the home he shares with his partner in Florida. "Wait a minute. Are you serious? I thought this was some sort of joke! You actually thought he was straight? How stupid are you?" Wrightster then began laughing so hard that the interview had to be curtailed.

When various ACE members at a recent ERT session were questioned by the national press as to how on earth they had ever guessed that Aiken might be gay before this news was leaked, most were uncooperative. Several went so far as to point and laugh hysterically at the assembled media. "Look, do I really have to explain it to you?" asked Darren Carvel, the only ACEr who would speak to reporters on the record. "Okay, I guess I do. Have you really not heard of gaydar? Even the thirty straight guys in ACE have a rudimentary one strong enough to pick up Clay Aiken, so how could you think he'd slip past one as powerful as, just for example, mine? Jeez, I'm insulted."

Carvel added that he personally was "really grossed out" by Aiken, that he categorically did not think the pop star had "a sexy and smooth and lickable" white chest, and that he would really appreciate it if "the straight girls would please just keep him, because we don't actually want him."

"Yuck," he added.


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