Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic

It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the
Beast thong.

But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007
Beast Thong Farewell Tour.

Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the
Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.

The decision to discontinue the
Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.

And hey, while you’re over at
Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.

(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a
Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)

--
CMV

29 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:19 PM

    Id never wear a Beast thong. The only thong I wear, Is wrapping THE BEAST.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We will be boycotting the Beast Thong tour. Picket-ing, actually, the Beast thong tour. There are some of us who've purchased items in order to destroy them.

    AA

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  3. Anonymous2:35 PM

    We will be boycotting the Beast Thong tour. Picket-ing, actually, the Beast thong tour. There are some of us who've purchased items in order to destroy them.

    AA

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  4. Anonymous2:37 PM

    We will be...

    Oh wait, I already said that twice. People should understand by now.

    AA

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  5. Anonymous2:40 PM

    Yes, by all means...purchase MORE items and destroy them as you see fit.

    That ought to show us.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous5:57 PM

    Going after our friend Chuck ticks us off.

    T

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  7. Anonymous6:16 PM

    And how could they say we're "highly ineffective" when their own "JCK" recently turned to our side?

    AA

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  8. See, We're winning, We are taking their attention away from coaters and parks!

    2 our of 3 ain't bad as Meatloaf would say.

    Funky

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  9. Anonymous9:04 PM

    The boycaught affort is ghoing as well as kan be axpected

    TOTA

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  10. I really feel that I should discourage people from purchasing any of this stuff, even the Boycott stuff. As much as I would love to see everyone in America with a Boycott ARNR sticker on their car, the money is only going to help a bad cause. If you really feel the need, give the money to Al Quada or the Church of Satan instead. It will probably be less harmful that way.

    Aaron

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  11. Anonymous8:02 AM

    Now I want one of those thongs.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous8:39 AM

    Who is this Al Quada fellow? RV salesman? Stock trader? Velvet art wholesaler? More information, please.

    Whoever he is, I bet he's already got his Beast thong.

    Keep up the good work, wildones. Your spelling errors only serve to help our cause.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous5:01 PM

    Why do we need proper scpelling or syntacks? It's all meaningless anywhay.

    TOTA

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  14. If they don't start being nicer to us, well encourage Jack to come over here.

    AA (glad to have Jack on our side)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous6:34 PM

    Please, AA. ANYTHING but that.

    Weekly

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  16. Spelling "errors", as you wrote, would imply more than 1 error. Since I only misspelled 1 word, you were incorrect in typing "errors". Therefore, you are improperly using the English language making you either stupid, or a hypocrite.

    I apologize that my foreign language skills are a little off. Unlike ARNR, I do not have close ties with any terrorist organizations, so my need for the Arabic language is pretty low. Thank you for pointing out the incorrect spelling of the word. I will make every effort not to do it again.

    Thanks,
    Aaron

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  17. Anonymous6:41 PM

    What about those sagging side-bar links on your site? What about that? I think we deserve an apology for that.

    Weekly

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  18. Anonymous6:43 PM

    AAARNR doesn't have the bite that they used to...

    Of course, why make your bitch wear a thong when commando is so much cooler?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Bite to eat, or eat to bite?

    AA

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  20. Anonymous7:04 PM

    I differ. I think their site still bites.

    Weekly

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  21. Anonymous7:11 PM

    That "against" site used to make me wonder. I couldn't figure out their motive. Not anymore.

    Meg

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  22. Anonymous7:20 PM

    What little they have accomplished has been by the most laborious and uphill work. This was their immediate duty. Without this, they were nothing.

    FSF

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  23. Anonymous7:43 PM

    I remember the old days of AAARNR. There was a time when you could go there and speculate. You really didn't know what it was about. Nobody understood what a "Freemdoom" was. Why "Action Jackson?" Do they really like that sucky film? Then there's that Mall trip thing they did where they took the Boycott on the road. Wrong usage of URL. Was that intentional? Clowns and builders of imaginary parks. I'll admit I miss the old days of AAARNR. Back before the TPR inclusion.

    Pensive

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  24. Anonymous8:58 PM

    I used to like the Against site but now their too mean. They're as mean as arn&r many of the times.

    Gandolf

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  25. Gandolf, We're only mean to ARN&R people and TPR people. Why? Because they were mean to us first!

    Funky

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  26. Anonymous4:47 PM

    I understand arn&r being seen as mean but not the alveys being mean to me or anyone and you're being mean to them so I don't understand that with the tongue pictures and everything.

    Gandolf

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  27. The Alveys haven't been mean to anyone? You just aren't looking hard enough. There are plenty of incidents of them being mean to people.

    Also, we only state facts on AAARNR&TPR. If you don't like what you read, don't get mad at us, get mad at the people perpetrating the incidents. I wish we could all get along, but we've been given no choice.

    Aaron

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  28. Anonymous2:31 PM

    I remember a time when enthusiasts all got along. That was before Arn&r and also AAARN&R. I wish we could go back to those days. Back when nobody seemed to be bothered by Six Flags bad service and other things.

    Pensive

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  29. It all started when ARN&R came into existence.

    ReplyDelete