Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Area Student, Hopeful to Become Coaster Engineer, Fails to Make Correct Change

Jon Yurtz, an area high school junior with aspirations of becoming an engineer designing roller coasters, failed to make correct change for a customer for the fifth time in a week, reported his supervisor at the 7-11. "For some reason, Jon just can't remember that when he's given a dollar for the paper -- which costs thirty-five cents -- the correct change is sixty-five cents. He just keeps giving back three quarters."

In the past several weeks, Yurtz has also built a deck for his grandmother that collapsed within a few days, defined friction as "a story that's not true" on a physics exam, and called Microsoft's customer support line when he could not turn off italics in Word.

Yurtz says he expects to major in physics and then go to "M.I.T. or one of those places" for a doctorate in "making kick-ass coasters."
Six Flags Executive's Discarded Tissue Examined for Hints About New SFGAdv Coaster

At a Jackson Township, New Jersey, Planning Commission meeting last night, Six Flags presented a proposal for a new B&M "flying coaster" to open next season at Six Flags Great Adventure, but provided few details. That wasn't good enough for Scott Hansen, a suburban New Jersey coaster enthusiast.

Hansen noticed that Six Flags's representative, Tom Limbacher, sneezed midway through his presentation and discarded his used tissue in a nearby wastebasket. Hansen waited in the back of the hearing room, trying to avoid attracting attention, for the crowd to clear out. Once there was nobody left, he picked through the wastebasket to find the tissue.

"This tissue is the best source of information since the Dippin' Dots guy!" exclaimed Hansen, examining the tissue under a magnifying glass late last night. "To the general public, it just looks like tissue and snot with a slight tinge of blood from an earlier nosebleed. But to me -- a seasoned coaster enthusiast and 'Steel Coaster' poster on -- to me, there's more...much more. This blood clearly came from being at great heights, and the presence of a cold in the first place suggests that he was in the presence of the great Walter Bolliger, who, as we all know, has been feeling a bit under the weather lately. Obviously, this is no routine B&M being built. Nosirree Bob, this will be a B&M like we've never seen, breaking height and speed records and, as you can tell by the consistency of the fluids, a revolutionary combination of flying and stand-up coaster designs."

Hansen was not dissuaded by viewing the blueprints or artist conception drawings displayed at the meeting. "That's all a coverup, man. They just don't want us to know the reality so they can blow the doors off the industry next summer. Mark my words."

Hansen then carefully placed the tissue in a plastic bag, using tweezers, and filed it next to the napkin from a Bob Evans Restaurant used once by Lawrence Bill, former wooden coaster designer for Custom Coasters International, and the discarded paper plate on which Ron Toomer of Arrow Dynamics once received a slice of pizza at Paramount Kings Island.