Monday, May 31, 2004

Holiday World Starting To Think They Shouldn't Have Pissed Off That Gypsy

So far in this short season, Holiday World has endured major flooding, potential cicada invasions, and tornado warnings. Less-publicized have been the rains of deformed frogs, Raging Rapids' rivers running red with blood, and, oddly, given the extensive food service offerings, widespread famine in all corners of the park. ARN&R has learned that the popular park's management is beginning to suspect that perhaps they shouldn't have thrown out a Gypsy last year for smoking in the line for Legend.

"Hey, the sign said non-smoking," said Will Koch, president of the park in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "And she was smoking. And she also kept muttering bizarre incantations and pointing ominously at the people next to her in line, but we didn't have any 'No Bizarre Incantations' sign up at the time, though we sure do now. We told her politely to stop smoking, but she said she'd paid for her pack of Camel Reds and she was going to get every bit of enjoyment out of them. That's when security called me."

Koch then went to the line to attempt to resolve the situation. Immediately upon seeing Koch, though, the gypsy began shrieking obscenities (largely in other languages) and shaking violently, saying she recognized him "from her days visiting Hell." Koch said he was forced to carry her out by force, somehow maintaining his excellent hair despite her thrashing.

"The last thing she said was that we would rue the day we threw her out and something about a pox on all our houses," continued Koch, shaking his head. "I figured she'd send a letter to the Better Business Bureau or post something obnoxious on ThrillNetwork's Gypsy Enthusiast board. But I'm starting to think we really shouldn't have pissed her off. All this stuff that's happened this year is starting to freak me out. And I haven't really told anyone, but I've started to lose hair in huge chunks, and I keep waking up screaming in Latvian, and I don't even know Latvian!"

At press time, Koch was wandering the abandoned tunnels under Grand Central Station in New York, trying to find a mysterious former Gypsy known only as Bughead, who is purportedly able to reverse Gypsy curses.