Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Bush Fails To Mention Coaster Wars

In news that shocked coaster enthusiasts nationwide and worldwide, President Bush completely ignored the escalating coaster wars, instead focusing on mundane issues like the economy and possible war in Iraq.

"Sure, I can see why he'd mention jobs and the like, but what about Top Thrill Dragster?" queried Jim Bruckner, a sixteen-year-old from New York. "And what about the ongoing fight for domination between Cedar Point and Six Flags Magic Mountain? He must be a drunk!"

White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that the president sought to avoid adding fuel to the fire of the coaster races. "He just wants everyone to calm down and to get along. If he were to take sides, who knows where it would go?"
Coasters: Cause of Terror, Ad Claims

A new front opened in the US 'war on terror' on Sunday as an ad campaign was launched during the Super Bowl. The ads aim to stop Americans from riding roller coasters because the thrill rides aid terror in the country's teenage enthusiasts' minds. Specifically, the ad seeks to cease all participation in hyper, giga and strata coasters.

In two spots scheduled to begin regular airing in February, philanthropist Huffin Puffington and his friends, who call themselves The Predeterminate Ones, try to plant the idea that riding the hot-selling mammoth coasters is not restful and quite chaotic.

One spot features a hapless coaster enthusiast named "George" climbing into his coaster vehicle while ominous music accompanies a theme park executive resembling Gary Story of Six Flags stepping into a limousine and a group of gum-chewing teenagers firing obscenities and insults into the air.

"This is George," a narrator says in a sing-song, lispy, little voice. "This is the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the chainlift of the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the crest of the chainlift, at the top of the hill, on the coaster that George chose to ride. And these are the dips and drops, and loops and helixes, and vertical Gs and lateral Gs on this coaster every time George chooses to ride."

"Tempered steel supports some terrible things. What kind of turbulence does your coaster get?" the ad concludes.

In a series of close-ups, the second ad explores the purported consequences of riding on foreign built coasters, juxtaposed with excuses people make for riding on them: "It's like I'm high as an airplane, Jack." "I like to sit up high." "I helped bring thump retro disco to German nightclubs." "It makes me feel funny." "I sent my children off for a while."

Affiliates of the Walt Disney Co.-owned ABC network in New York and Los Angeles have refused to air the ads because they are too controversial, Huffin Puffington said.