Saturday, January 22, 2005

Six Flags: SFGAm Water Park Free; Also Adding Air Conditioning and Health Care

As part of its ongoing efforts to improve cash flow and profitability, Six Flags announced this week its decision to include Six Flags Great America's Hurricane Harbor water park in the park's admission price. Receiving less attention was its later announcement that it would be air conditioning the entire Chicago-area park as well as providing universal health care for every resident in the Chicago area.

"We're certain that these steps represent the best way to impress investors and to get on track for financial stability," said park spokeswoman Leora Kladner in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "What could be better for cash flow than a free water park, tens of thousands of outdoor air conditioning units running throughout the summer, and the creation of an enormous new health care system for the millions of people in the region? Oh, we're also going to throw in a free puppy for every guest, along with a lifetime supply of food and veterinary services."

SEC filings indicate that the park chain will borrow approximately $1.2 billion at 17.99% interest from an entity on the south side of Chicago called "EZ Pay Day CA$H."
S&D Greetings Offers New Hasselhoff Product Line

Coaster card supplier S&D Greetings sparked controversy within the coaster community when they offered their 2006 calendar. Entitled "Hot 4 Hasselhoff," the scrumptious planner combines many of the untalented artist's shots from calendars past.

Steve Simmons, S&D's research and development director, said the plan was a new and bold step for the company. He commented, "Sure, shots of Boulderdash are nice, but we have to give the people what they want -- and they want Hasselhoff. Whether he is hanging out with a bird,
looking hot or just rocking out, you can't go wrong with David."

Some enthusiasts predict that sales will be down from previous years. Tim Johnson of Cleburne, Texas felt that it will be hard to move calendars with the sassy star of Knight Rider emblazoned on them. "Sure, Hasselhoff is hot," he conceded, distractedly gazing at a photo for upwards of thirty seconds. "But I don't know how many enthusiasts will pick that up. I wish they had gone a different route and done a Star Wars: Episode III calendar. It isn't quite as geeky as Hasselhoff and I know women would talk to me if they saw Anakin on my wall."

For now S&D Greetings just hope that David's sexy patriotism will be infectious. Steve Simmons said, "Germans love David Hasselhoff and we think that soon the whole world will. Seriously, what's hotter than this?"

Reports that next year's S&D calendar will feature nude spreads of A-Team star Dirk "Face" Benedict could not be confirmed a press time.


[Editor's Note: ARN&R has just learned that the American Coaster Enthusiasts, noted for their previous energetic attempts to crush any competition in the coaster calendar business, have decided to offer competing Hasselhoff products at the ACE Online Store. Among the treats being offered are the Deranged Eskimo Hasselhoff Fanny Pack and the Cream-Your-Undies-He's-So-Manly Speedo Hasselhoff Portable Coaster Count Tabulator/Dildo. When queried about the timing of the new product line, an ACE rep claimed that its launch immediately after a competitor's was "completely coincidental."]