Sunday, November 21, 2004

New Policy at Cedar Point

Based on complaints from frequent important guests, Cedar Point will be enforcing a new policy of brake lights to be attached to all guests of the park. Each guest will be given a set of lights to hang on their rear as they enter the park and will be required to wear them at all times.

Cedar Point officials hope that this new policy will cut down on the excessive number of people stopping suddenly in the middle of the midway for no reason, causing untold frustration to those guests who are still able to think properly and make decisions once inside the park gates. The lights will come in various sizes to accommodate all guests, ranging from youth sizes through Too-Fat-for-Millennium-Force and Coaster-Enthusiast.

The lights are based on a new technology being developed in secret labs in the Disaster Transport building, finally giving light to the reason that Cedar Point still retains the ride. The lights respond to the stupidity level of guests and the size of the guests’ group and adjust their sensitivity to slowing of speeds. Guests in groups of six or more, and those from red states will have the highest setting.

Research has shown that in 56% of stoppages, the guests’ brain waves simply shut down for a time, and not knowing what to do next, the entire body will just stop. Guests with strollers are 71% more likely to fall within this category, while many fall into the 32% of stoppages due to unruly children. 11% are due to large groups not being able to make up their minds, while the remaining 1% is due to coaster enthusiasts stopping to take pictures or scratch themselves while faintly moaning.

In an interview with Cedar Point PR officials, it was noted that the complaints of a particularly annoyed ARN&R Field Reporter and girlfriend were a major contributing factor to the decision to implement the lights. "According to their reports, no less than 854 people stopped for no reason right in front of the hapless couple who were just trying to enjoy their day at the park," stated the official. "While past attempts to encourage people to think, or at least move to the side, before stopping have been unsuccessful, we are optimistic about the possibilities of this year’s plan."

There were unconfirmed rumors that the park would also be allowing guests who are run into by strollers to return the favor with greater force, but this could not be confirmed.