Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Video Rentals Causing Relationship Problems

Last night, Amanda Ross decided to get back at her boyfriend, Rob Helton, sources close to the couple report. Ross has, according to these sources, "gotten totally sick of the stupid movies Rob brings home and makes [Ross] watch all the time, just because they have roller coasters in them somewhere."

"I've reached the breaking point," Ross told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "It started off with me being a dutiful girlfriend and trying to humor him. He was whining and bitching constantly for the last few months about how he couldn't ride any coasters, and he could only read ARN&R so many times per day without getting bored. So I suggested that we rent some videos that had roller coasters in them every week, and that way we could both spend time together, and he could see some roller coasters in action and be less grumpy all the time. I thought it was a pretty nice thing to do, since I can't stand roller coasters, but my little plan backfired. I probably should have just kicked him out of the apartment instead."

Ross went on to reveal the details of her disastrous attempt to coddle a lifelong coaster junkie. "I was even nice enough to let him pick the flicks out," she said. "Then, to my horror, I was subjected to a never-ending stream of garbage movies. First, we had to watch that horrid House on Haunted Hill, which had some neat footage of the Hulk roller coaster and tons of brain-crushingly stupid dialogue and bad special effects. Then Rob tormented me with Night at the Roxbury. Rob loved it because it had a brief shot of that dumb coaster on a pier in California. I was more concerned with the fact that I was cranially assaulted by one of the least funny movies ever made, as well as by the highly unattractive asses of Chris Katann and Will Ferrell. I also had the immense pleasure of sitting through the Sting II and some breathtaking movie involving a gorilla hopping around on a wooden roller coaster while being shot at. King Kong Gets a Woodie, or something. I forget the actual name."

The final straw, according to Ross, was with Helton's most recent choice of cinematic exploration. "I officially couldn't take it anymore after last night," she stated. "I was waffling about allowing this movie-watching to continue, but the bastard tricked me. He said he'd get a really artsy-fartsy flick instead of the Hollywood trash he'd been bringing home. He told me he knew of this little Sundance-type independent art film called The Center of the World, which featured two people exploring the nature of power and their inability to communicate functionally in today's society. Being an idiot, I caved and let him rent it. Well, for those of you out there who were not aware of this, let me be the first to tell you: The Center of the World has five minutes of Manhatten Express footage, and the rest of the movie consists entirely of Molly Parker getting f*%$*ed by a hairy guy."

Ross paused for a moment, then added, "oh wait, I forgot something. Sorry. Forgive me for not mentioning the five minutes where Molly Parker does that thing with the hot sauce and the ice cube to the hairy guy's butt. I stand corrected."

Sources tell ARN&R that Ross has devious plans for revenge against her boyfriend. According to witnesses, Ross told Helton that she would only watch coaster movies with him if she could pick them out, a statement to which he reluctantly agreed. ARN&R undercover reporters spotted Ross leaving the video store with copies of The Lost Boys and Titanic today.

"That's one brutal vendetta the young lady's got," said one bystander. "I'd hate to be him tonight."

Six Flags over Texas to open "The Switch"
Newly Themed Ride Will Open Mid-Summer in Dallas Park

In a press release issued today, Six Flags over Texas announced that its Mr. Freeze roller coaster will be closed until the summer so new theming can be added. The press release read, "Due to the rise in the number of executions in Texas the state turned to a marketing partner to share the expense." The park and the state have joined forces to mutually benefit from the LIM (linear induction motors) found on the launched coaster. The electromagnets will soon be used to do much more than just propel a coaster. Prisoners will be electrocuted at one end of the station while a trainload of screaming riders is launched out the other. The new theme evokes comparisons to Six Flags New England's Halloween event, "Kill a Guy." Six Flags sources indicate that the actual death of a human being proved to be so popular last fall that the company wished to find a way to expand it to a year-round event.

Spokesman Gregg Murray was excited about the joint venture. "Traditionally museums, zoos and aquariums have been the only venues that could provide 'edutainment' options. Now kids can learn that crime doesn't pay and enjoying a thrilling ride at the same time," he said. Department of Corrections Chairman Todd Livingston agreed. "With the sheer volume of people we are killing each year we just could not afford to waste all of this electricity. George W. Bush set quite a precedent and his successor has had a hard time keeping pace. Add in the fact that our 300th execution recently got pushed back because of some legal snafu and you can see the governor is working hard to keep those bodies smoking."

Amnesty International officials thought of sarcastically suggesting that the company add a set of gallows next to the Cliff Hanger freefall ride, but then realized Six Flags might carry out that plan too.

The new theming has led to several unique partnership-marketing opportunities. General Electric will be the ride's overall sponsor, while Mr. Clean and the Texas Bristle broom company were chosen as the chamber's official cleaning supplies.

In addition to the electric chair and execution chamber the park has added some extra soda machines charging $5 per-drink. Murray said, "It is going to be hot in that tunnel, especially when the juice gets flowing. We thought that this would be an easy way to raise our beverage per-caps. In addition, our art department created some clever theming depicting different ways Texas has killed people throughout the years. It really is quite heartwarming and will teach people that they should not, in fact, mess with Texas."

When asked if he was worried the new ride might not "fit" the park because of its unusual theming, Murray just laughed. "We have Bugs Bunny next to Batman next to the Confederacy. Accuracy really isn't foremost on our minds."

The Switch will thrill riders in mid-June and 12 executions are already planned for opening day. Park officials assured reporters that there will be "a lot of fireworks" to celebrate the ride's re-opening.