Thursday, July 10, 2003

Britney Spears Admits: “I Rode Timberwolf”

For years, pop slut…er, princess…Britney Spears has insisted that, despite her whorish onstage and video shenanigans, she is a virgin who intends to remain unsullied until her wedding day. Although many in the media refused to take Spears’s claims that she had, in her words, “not been deflowerized,” we at ARN&R were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now, however, Spears has spilled the news: she has ridden throbbing piles of wood, and ridden those throbbing piles of wood long and hard.

In the pages of W magazine, Spears finally admitted the full extent of her sexual relationship with the woodie Timberwolf, located at Worlds of Fun. “I loved riding that woodie,” Spears said. "I have only ridden one long, rough woodie, and it was Timberwolf. I only did that because I thought it was ‘the one.’ Of course, after reading amusement park reviews online at Coasterglobe and Thrillride and Coasterbuzz, I now am aware that Timberwolf is not only not ‘the one,’ it’s more like ‘the three hundredth.’ But I was a young, chaste Catholic schoolgirl, so what did I know?”

Spears told reporters that she would not have divulged any of this information about her sordid life, but Timberwolf had gone on TV with Barbara Walters to make fun of her for throwing her hands in the air and shrieking while riding its thunderously powerful mass of pressurized pine, then moaning contentedly as the afterglow of a long, violent ride subsided and she pulled into the station.

"The most painful thing I've ever experienced was my breakup with Timberwolf," Spears says in W. "We were together so long and I had this vision. You think you're going to spend the rest of your life together. Where I come from, the woman is the homemaker, and that's how I was brought up--you cook for your kids. But now I realize I need my single time. There are other greased, slick rails I need to slide down, more thick slabs of wood I need to bounce up and down on, and far more airtime to experience. Maybe I should even try one of those sexy steel monsters I keep hearing about.”

Reports that “sexy steel monster” Colin Farrell had been providing Spears with “some SLC-level headbanging” the last few nights were not immediately confirmed.