Thursday, July 10, 2003

Britney Spears Admits: “I Rode Timberwolf”

For years, pop slut…er, princess…Britney Spears has insisted that, despite her whorish onstage and video shenanigans, she is a virgin who intends to remain unsullied until her wedding day. Although many in the media refused to take Spears’s claims that she had, in her words, “not been deflowerized,” we at ARN&R were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now, however, Spears has spilled the news: she has ridden throbbing piles of wood, and ridden those throbbing piles of wood long and hard.

In the pages of W magazine, Spears finally admitted the full extent of her sexual relationship with the woodie Timberwolf, located at Worlds of Fun. “I loved riding that woodie,” Spears said. "I have only ridden one long, rough woodie, and it was Timberwolf. I only did that because I thought it was ‘the one.’ Of course, after reading amusement park reviews online at Coasterglobe and Thrillride and Coasterbuzz, I now am aware that Timberwolf is not only not ‘the one,’ it’s more like ‘the three hundredth.’ But I was a young, chaste Catholic schoolgirl, so what did I know?”

Spears told reporters that she would not have divulged any of this information about her sordid life, but Timberwolf had gone on TV with Barbara Walters to make fun of her for throwing her hands in the air and shrieking while riding its thunderously powerful mass of pressurized pine, then moaning contentedly as the afterglow of a long, violent ride subsided and she pulled into the station.

"The most painful thing I've ever experienced was my breakup with Timberwolf," Spears says in W. "We were together so long and I had this vision. You think you're going to spend the rest of your life together. Where I come from, the woman is the homemaker, and that's how I was brought up--you cook for your kids. But now I realize I need my single time. There are other greased, slick rails I need to slide down, more thick slabs of wood I need to bounce up and down on, and far more airtime to experience. Maybe I should even try one of those sexy steel monsters I keep hearing about.”

Reports that “sexy steel monster” Colin Farrell had been providing Spears with “some SLC-level headbanging” the last few nights were not immediately confirmed.

Enthusiast Punished by ACE Disciplinary Committee

Justice was handed out in swift and savage style today by the American Coaster Enthusiast Disciplinary Committee, as wayward member Kirk James was rebuked for his “behavior unbecoming a coaster enthusiast.” An emergency session of the ACE Executive Committee was held to determine James’s punishment after he “failed to place roller coasters at the primacy of importance in his very existence” earlier in the week.

The incident in question occurred this past Monday. James, according to eyewitnesses, had intended to visit La Ronde Amusement Park in Montreal on his one day off during an extensive two-week business trip to Vermont. “It was kind of a haul, but I figured, hey, I’d be within a few hours of Montreal, so what the heck,” James told ARN&R. Unfortunately, this plan, which ACE Supreme High Inquisitor Carole Sanderson called “sound and full of goodness in its original conception,” did not achieve fruition. Instead, James heard from his friends, named by sources as David and Laura Watkins, that they would be visiting family in Boston on that very day that James intended to travel to experience the wonders of the “world’s tallest wood coaster” Le Monstre, Vampire, and the totally unique, wondrous and legendary Le Boomerang.

“I did at least have to ask if Dave and Laura wanted to come up and hang out at La Ronde,” said James. “I mean, I am an enthusiast, after all. But they literally had only this one day free, and were with their family, and didn’t want to make a 12 hour round trip after flying in across four time zones. So it was a no-brainer. Either I can go hang out with my good friends who I haven’t seen since they moved to Los Angeles four years ago, or I can be a big frickin’ tool and diss them to go ride coasters alone. I’m comfortable with my decision.”

James added that, “I hope I can get up there eventually. I wish I could’ve gone, but I guess my priorities are straight. Sneaking in a few new coasters would have been neat, but who knows when I’d see my pals again?”

“This is just the sort of disgusting behavior strictly prohibited in the ACE Code of Conduct,” sputtered Sanderson. “That document clearly states that coasters are to be the only thing ACE members can talk about or have any concern with. This man had a chance to add seven coasters to his credit list, eight if he counts Le Monstre as two and nine if he were to kidnap a small foreign child to get on the kiddie coaster! And instead he goes off to visit non-coaster-loving jerks in Boston. If he can’t get some priorities, the ACE Disciplinary Committee will ram some up his ass!”

The ACE Executive Junta and Special Tribunal of Disciplinary Action convened for three hours, after which it was decided that James would be fined $10,000, given 3 flagrant foul points, suspended from any coastering activities for a full year, and be placed on probation for ten years, during which any further violation will result in permanent suspension from ACE and from all amusement parks.

“I’m pleased that this troublemaker has received some punishment,” said Sanderson. “I’m all about punishment, believe me. But I simply don’t think it’s enough. I thought we might get enough votes to have this young punk terminated. I would have pushed for Execution by Six Flags Great Adventure Viper to send a message to those who don’t consider coasters the only thing in life that matters. Maybe we can just save that penalty for when we round up those ARN&R troublemakers.” Here Sanderson paused to gleefully salivate at this thought before continuing: “Although the execution order didn’t go through, due to the fact that the Junta is far more forgiving than I am, I certainly hoped at least to get a permanent suspension, but that wuss Matt Crowther argued that the offender get one last chance to behave. Damn his eloquence! I’m sick of molly-coddling these punks. If I have to dissolve my Junta and get a new one that agrees with everything I say, I’ll do it. Just watch me.”

James, meanwhile was defiant about the decision. “Let them try to keep from going to amusement parks when I feel like,” he said angrily. He then announced that he would challenge the ACE Code of Conduct by telling anyone within range that Beast sucks ass and that he would do his best at his next convention to keep his nametag displayed unclearly.