Sunday, October 12, 2003

Amusement Industry Concerned About Roller Coaster Haters

A group of major theme park chains has banded together to combat the posting of online opinions indicating hatred of roller coasters, according to the new public spokeswoman for the Consortium to Unilaterally Negate the Thickheaded.

"Cedar Point, Six Flags, Paramount, Universal, and, of course, Admiral Vungrels Adventure Park, have united to present a common front in combating the insidious decay of people claiming online that roller coasters suck," said Anna Linjection. "We have located a plague of online dislike that reaches near-biblical proportions. As long as five or six people claim in stupid forums and incredibly lame websites that they do not enjoy roller coasters, we all suffer. With hope and compassion, and perhaps a smattering of hideous violence and sodomy, we shall return these persons to the fold of amusement park tooldom."

Linjection then discussed several specific cases that needed to be addressed. "First of all," she said, "we have located a very troubled soul named laurennn, who has a thoroughly incomprehensible diary website. If you scroll through the list of answers to her survey questions, you will certainly note an amazing and disturbing amount of hostility and general freakishness." Linjection then provided a set of sample questions and answers to back up this claim:

-ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY?: ask your mother
-FAVOURITE SMELLS?: megan's mom
-FAVOURITE SOUNDS?: megan's mom
-DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?: i sleep with sluts and i stuff them as they sleep.
-IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: i was serious when i said i'd kill you

Continued Linjection, "we can easily trace the source of this hostility to one simple statement provided near the beginning of this survey: 'ROLLER COASTERS suck.' If only this little flower would step out and enjoy some nice amusement parks, she would surely blossom instead of wilting into a mass of desiccated potpourri. We certainly think there is hope: after all, she claims she will be absolutely happy when, as she eloquently puts it, 'i catch you frontin like you ain't bout to knock it,' which sure sounds like a euphemism for 'riding a few Vekoma Boomerangs and SLC's' to us."

The second special case for the Consortium is also a difficult one, notes Linjection. "We have only the slightest hope that this case can be recovered," she admitted. "However, we feel it's imperative that we make our best effort even for complete loser cases like this."

The "complete loser case in question" is apparently the Bizarre and Creepy Anime Fangirl Weirdo Who Shares Way Too Much Information With Everyone. According to Linjection, "the absolute and utter toolish devotion to anime and manga is enough to make this person even more of a wackaloon than the most hardened coaster enthusiast. Good God, I can't believe I just said that. There's also that relentless bragging about her certain-to-be-incredibly-attractive anime-beast boyfriend. And I have to just quote from her list of dislikes, because I simply can't summarize and do it justice: 'People in general, especially people who don't know how to DRIVE. Spiders, badly written fanfics. Shounen/Shoujo-ai pairings that would never happen in a million years but are written about every day. (I'm sorry, but Tamahome and Nakago will NEVER GET TOGETHER.)'

"Again, there night seem to be a myriad of issues that could lead to these disturbing problems this person has," said Linjection. "However, we feel it all boils down to this statement: 'Upside-down roller coasters SUCK. Actually let me revise that. ALL rollar coasters suck. And so does that damn swinging pirate ship that I was traumatized from when I was 7 or 8 years old.' The Consortium finds it particularly engaging that Mistress Ayashi claims that she despises people who misspell common words, yet chooses to spell the word roller coaster as 'rollar coaster.'" We recommend that Ayashi attend an ACE event; that way, she can still have an annoying fetish hobby and act like a complete geek, but she'll get some greasy buffet and have some fun that doesn't involve jerking off to cartoons. And maybe that mean old pirate ship won't even touch her funny this time."

Linjection concluded by saying, "we realize it will be an uphill struggle to assist people who post to the 'Hot N'Sync Fiction' message board to claim that roller coasters suck. But we will do our best to help these lost souls. That's all anyone can ask for."