Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Coaster Enthusiast Mildly Embarrassed to be Seen With Friend

Self-professed amusement park nut and longtime ACE member Jason Bernero, 28, is currently embarrassed to be seen in public with his friend of several years, twenty-six-year-old Adam Capo, sources tell ARN&R. The reason? Questionable taste in roller coasters.

"Adam and I have been friends for almost six years, ever since we were in the same college dorm," said Bernero. "We've been through so much together, and we tell each other everything. We've remained best friends despite the fact that he isn't really a coaster enthusiast, like cool people should be. Hell, we're not just friends, we're more like brothers."

He continued: "But ever since we went to Lake Compounce last week, I've been avoiding him, and then if we do hang out, I sort of try to act in public like we don't know each other, just so people don't associate his behavior with mine. Frankly, his actions at the park caused me incredible shame, and I'm having a lot of difficulty getting past it."

The actions Bernero spoke of consisted of three that he referred to as "travesties of nature." First, when Capo boarded Boulderdash, he asked, without slyly winking or indicating in any way that the question was a joke, whether "this coaster [had] any loops." Then, when the ride was done, Capo allegedly claimed, loud enough for several people in the station and on the ride to turn and look at the pair, "that was pretty damn rough."

Finally, he dragged an irritated Bernero onto Zoomerang fourteen times in a row, after which he announced in a humiliatingly loud voice: "this ride kicks so much ass! It's got loops and goes backward! Why don't you like this better than that rickety wood thing? It's the best roller coaster on Earth!"

"All I have to say is, that dude better watch it with dumb comments like that," said Bernero. "If he keeps that up, he's never going to get any p*ssy. And that's why I'm really uncomfortable with people seeing us together and thinking we're pals. They make that assumption, and then maybe they also make the assumption that I'm not cool. Well, I'm not having that. I rode Boulderdash 1000 times last season, I have a massive collection of theme park fanny packs, and I have a website designed entirely for people to send me fawning comments about my illegal on-ride videos, so you know the chicks can't keep their panties on when they get near me."

"As good a friend as Adam is, I'm not letting him harsh that vibe I've worked hard to maintain," Bernero added in conclusion. "He shapes up, or maybe I ship him out."

Slow Update Warning

Both ARN&R editors are traveling the next two weeks. For both, that may mean that time constraints prevent extensive updates; for one, there's the additional problem of probably not even having internet access the majority of his travels.

Furthermore, one of the site's regular contributors continues to insist on spending his valuable free time making fun of what a loser one of the editors is for creating a geeky Star Wars-themed article, instead of leaving hopelessly easy targets like that alone and turning his scathing eye toward coaster enthusiast message boards.

In other words, we aren't on hiatus the next two weeks, but updates may continue to be not that extensive. Don't celebrate too hard, now. And if you really miss us, you could always buy a nice T-shirt or Beast thong to while away the nanoseconds you would normally have spent reading our material.