Tuesday, April 15, 2003

ACE Supreme Chancellor Invokes Emergency Powers

In a special session of the American Coaster Enthusiasts Executive Committee last night, ACE Supreme Chancellor Carole Sanderson was given wide-ranging emergency powers. This drastic step, the first of its kind ever undertaken by an ACE executive, came about after a series of tumultuous events rocked ACE during the leader’s tenure. Said Vice President Mark Cole, “we had no choice but to take these measures. We must allow our leader to be strong, and to use whatever means are necessary, in order to crush the opposition and insidious evil creeping amongst our great organization.”

Great unrest was caused previously in this administration when ACE banned the use of onboard ride footage in the CoasterCon annual contests. A splinter faction of Separatists, led by the charismatic Randall “Coaster Count” Dooku, began a protracted campaign of snippy emails and letters to various ACE publications and websites, then broke from the group to form their own militant Coalition of Enthusiasts Who Break Rules Because We Have the God-Ordained Right as Enthusiasts to do Whatever the Hell We Feel Like at Amusment Parks Society. Further unrest was stirred with the administration of ACE suddenly being relocated to an outhouse when the management group decided they’d had a few too many (534 to date) drunken, hapless enthusiasts calling up in the dead of night demanding that their photos, Rollercoaster Magazine Profiles, and Top Ten Favorite Korean Steel Coaster lists be forwarded to Six Flags Great America rep Michelle Hoffman, whom ARN&R has been assured has no interest whatsoever in receiving any such materials.

“Those events were troubling, but we tried not to resort to crazy measures,” said Cole. “But then, at two major midwinter events, there was widespread looting and thievery of prizes and souvenirs provided by numerous park representatives. It really is bad enough that these hooligans can’t keep themselves from bitching openly if an ERT session ends five minutes early or refrain from knocking over the buffet tables at the picnics and rooting around in the resulting food pile like hogs in a sty. Now they are just walking up to table displays and luggage and helping themselves to whatever they want.”

After a motion for granting full emergency powers was submitted by representative J.J. Binks, the measure passed the Executive Committee unanimously. Supreme Chancellor Sanderson read from a prepared text that said, in part: “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. The power you give me I will lay down when this crisis has abated. I shall use these new executive powers to create a grand ACE Brute Squad, which will keep buffet tables upright, Rollercoaster Magazine within six months of its alleged publication timetable, and ensure that certain greedy, amoral enthusiasts keep their grubby mitts to themselves when the park reps walk by with the bag of goodies.”

Sanderson concluded by saying, “oh, yeah. And while we’re at it, we’re going to hunt down those guys who work for ARN&R. Hunt them down like the filthy animals they are. This news conference is adjourned. Smithers! Release the hounds!”

Events Upcoming: Offend Your Fellow Enthusiasts!

As perhaps you have forgotten, we here at ARN&R have an innovative plan that permits you to give us money in return for stuff. We even have a new t-shirt referencing urination! And nothing says "Put me on Discovery!" like a t-shirt featuring someone taking a leak. We also have various forms of underwear adorned with double entendres (really more like single entendres), license plate frames, and picture frames for your on-ride photos, all at prices that seem reasonable compared to those at actual amusement parks.

So go shopping for yourself, for your theoretical boy or girlfriend, for your grandma -- heck, do your Christmas shopping now! Buy stuff! It's the American way!