Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Pedro "Sez" His Website Sucks

Anyone unfortunate enough to be driving on I-95 in the vicinity of the Carolinas is well aware of the existence of South of the Border: a tacky, offensive, Mexican-themed area featuring overpriced stores, bathrooms you have to pay to use, a small amusement park called Pedroland, and an overwhelming aroma of urine. It's located just over the North Carolina border into South Carolina. The reason anyone who has ever driven on I-95 knows about this place is because there are obnoxious, giant billboards advertising it approximately every three feet for about five hundred miles in either direction.

Tragically, however, there are many people who have never endured this drive, but South of the Border has made giant efforts to reach out to these lost souls with its wondrous website. A website that has received the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award for this week.

Let's begin by saying how incredible the Pedroland front page is. It has the requisite eye-catching/blinding yellow border, complete with one small picture to give you the true feel of the park. All of the rides are listed on the main page as well, with absolutely no information about them except their names, seeing as how everyone knows what a "Quadzilla" is.

You are then treated to the awesome promotions the park does, with lines like the following, printed exactly as they appear on the website:

Or, play indoor golf at The Golf of Mexico...Pedro sez: "If you haven't played The Golf of Mexico, then you ain't played the game!".

We guess their mini golf is good; after all, if Pedro "sez" it's true, then it "ain't" be wrong!

You can then go the information page to learn of all the fantastic things to do when you plan your "family vacation" to Pedroland Park, like eating at their incredible restaurants or staying at their five-star motels. Be sure to book the classy "heir-conditioned" honeymoon suite if you knocked that chick up and need to wed her quick before Pappy gets out that shotgun.

Of course, Pedro isn't shy about ripping you off, either. One of the most comprehensive pages in the whole site is the novelty and souvenir shops page. Again, very comprehensive.

And don't worry if you forget your camera. The place has fabulous pictures, too. Let's see - judging by these pictures, the famous "Golf of Mexico" mini-golf that Pedro "sez" is so wonderful seems to be your basic outdoor course stored inside a warehouse. You can also show off pictures of a Giant Sombrero observation platform, Gorilla, a T-Shirt shop, and a weird "Big Man" mascot. They'll be so jealous.

Heck, Pedro even has a page where you can see just how far you are from his park. This is where people who have not seen South of the Border, but only experienced it online, discover that Pedro's Park is not in Mexico at all, but in wonderful South Carolina.

Oh, and don't forget the "cultured" parts of Pedro's pages, the parts where he offends all Hispanics everywhere with his obnoxious Americanized and stereotyped accent:

BUENS DIAS, AMIGO! pedro VER' GLAD YOU COME!!pedro got 112 meelion amigos, who stay weeth heem, opp teel now all satisfy come back, send frans...thees make pedro ver' for frans come back all time...pedro hope YOU make 112 meelion and wan hapee amigos! you come back soon, too, yes? Find your distance to Pedro's!

Yes, that's a direct quote. Or how about this one?

Pedro sez: "eef you follow pedro's signz, ze treep seem MOCH shorter!"

Great work, Pedroland. Making America more cultured and less bigoted by the minute.