Monday, August 02, 2004

Couple Wins Legal Battle Against Alton Towers

Farley Village residents and pottery makers Stephen and Suzanne Roper won a private prosecution ruling against neighboring Alton Towers today. The couple has fought the park for twenty-five years in an effort to keep noise levels down. In the decision, the judge noted that the roller coaster Oblivion is severely flawed, in that people scream while they are on it. Additionally, he spent a weekend with the Ropers to observe nearby Alton Towers, as well as view the couple's Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze-like pottery-making shenanigans, and concluded that mechanical noises, voices, and the pitter-patter of small woodland creatures were all noise ordinance violations. At a later hearing, it could be determined that Alton Towers could receive severe penalties for disturbing the people who live nearby.

"It's true that Alton Towers has been here longer," said the judge. "But that doesn't matter. We have to protect people in the local area, even if they are stupid enough to buy a house right next to an amusement park and think there won't be any bloody noise."

Pleased with their victory against the forces of fun and good, the Ropers have announced that they plan to purchase a Hummer and then bitch about how low the gas mileage is, buy an apartment across from a school and bitch about how many children are running around nearby, buy the Freddy Got Fingered Special Box Set DVD and bitch about how much it sucks, and buy their very own TOGO coaster and bitch about how it hurts their heads.

They also plan to continue spying on Jack Tripper in an effort to determine whether or not he is a homosexual.