Friday, January 09, 2004

Attractive Young ACE Chick Confused by Lack of Dates

Chicago IL - American Coaster Enthusiast Melinda Sumner, whom experts claim is a strikingly beautiful, petite 23-year-old blonde and Republican Party member, has recently gone public with a terrible quandary.

Melinda, since she was a child, has had a love for roller coasters. She stated in a recent interview, "I joined ACE 2 years ago to get more opportunities to see and ride more roller coasters. After I graduated college cum laude with a degree in biology, I decided I wanted to try and meet men with the same interests as me. Quite frankly, I didn't like the frat guys and I was quite turned off by men who were into biology too; I mean, come on, it's what I do all day. I don't want to deal with it outside of work. So I joined ACE hoping to meet a man to share my weekend enjoyment by romantically holding hands on classic wooden roller coasters.”

At this point in the interview, the beautiful and Melinda broke down into tears, prompting the interviewer to hold and comfort her, um, sorrow. After calming down, she continued.

"I never, never would have thought that I would have a problem finding a nice, good-looking man who shared my love of roller coasters. I am downright depressed that most of the men I have met are members of the dreaded ‘Phoenix Fairies’ or show less interest in me than Michael Jackson at a female strip club. If it is not bad enough that these guys don't seem to appreciate all my 120 pounds of toned 23-year-old body have to offer, the ones that do look at me are over 350 pounds and are always eating. They eat at food stands, in line, and I even saw one walk into a bathroom with a gravy-laden cheesesteak. Come on, how can you eat anything, let alone gravy covered products, in a bathroom, let alone at a Six Flags?? Plus they tend to wander around by themselves mumbling something that sounds like 'wood, I have wood, wood meet wood.’ It really freaks me out.”

She continued: “Most of the good-looking ACE guys seem too interested in themselves or each other. And they constantly bitch about how the feng shui of the rides’ color schemes is off or that their product isn’t sufficiently keeping their hair in place on Twister. I don't get it.”

Unfortunately, Melinda claims to have grown frustrated with not finding a man interested in both her and roller coasters. She has decided the best ride she will ever get was on a cool evening after a hot summer day on the Phoenix. After Phoenix Phall Phunfest she explored the Coal Hole Bar in Shamokin PA, "primarily looking for a mostly-toothed straight man who is not obsessed with the term 'all you can eat.'”