Monday, September 27, 2004

Pinfari Begins New Ad Campaign

Inspired by the widely adored and supremely clever Coors "Cold Hard Facts" advertising blitz, roller coaster company Pinfari has begun a new campaign touting the frostiness of their company's products.

"Other companies heat pasteurize their kiddie coasters," bellows one ad. "But Pinfari frost brews their Big Apple ride at five degrees Kelvin to lock in whimsy and fun."

"Most companies ship their coasters in a warm truck or train," yells another. "But Pinfari refrigerates its trains and trucks to keep your RC-50 cold. Pinfari! The coolest coasters around."

"Much as Coors touts its supreme frostiness rather than its putrid, skunky taste and urine-like smell, Pinfari is seeking to highlight unusual and unimportant aspects of its coaster distribution process," noted one representative from Bolliger & Mabillard. "No one cares if Abita Turbodog, Newcastle, or Guinness are frost brewed because they don't taste like muskrat spraint. Similarly, no one cared whether Hulk was shipped in a giant tanker coated in ice. Real coaster companies don't need to come up with stupid gimmicks to push their product."

Six Flags Magic Mountain Reveals X-Treme Ride Update

Los Angeles, CA: "It's the Russian Roulette of thrill rides!" say the promotional materials sent to the media.

The X-Treme X-perience of Thrill Shot at Six Flags Magic Mountain is about to get scarier. In an effort to attract more hardcore thrill seekers, the ride is being re-designed and will be launched in January 2005 as "Kill Shot."

"Plummeting downwards toward earth made you think you were going to hit the ground," said a Six Flags PR person at an exclusive press conference. "But in the back of riders' minds, they knew they were safe. What kind of extreme ride experience is that? With the addition of the fifth "death cycle" there is now a one-in-five chance that people will actually hit the ground and die." At the end of the press conference, none of the attending media wished to ride the new cycle.

Said the PR staffer, "You guys are a bunch of pussies."