Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Local Coaster Enthusiast Strongly Recommends Single Ridership to Others Without Hint Of Irony; Sorrow

Academics report that local enthusiast Brian Yourvey offered this advice yesterday in response to a group of acquaintances complaining about long lines for "Batman the Ride" at Six Flags Great America:

"The problem is you're probably waiting on lines the wrong way. What's great about being a single rider is this: Wait in the line for the second car. Within one or two trains there will be a group of three and you can jump right on with them! No half hour extra wait for the front! Of course, if you are riding with other people you're out of luck," concluded a non-ironic Yourvey.

"Brian's use of the terms 'what's great about being a single rider' and defining people with actual friends as being 'out of luck' suggests to me an absolute lack of awareness of the utter pathos of his situation," reports noted sociologist Douglas Mahoney at Northern Illinois University, who has been surreptitiously following Yourvey for several months and plans to publish a book on Yourvey's approach to life.

"The obvious merits of experiencing an amusement ride with other humans seems lost on him. The camaraderie, the ability to talk to someone later about the ride experience, and the simple comfort of knowing the person next to you is not a complete stranger are advantages that seem completely lost on him, aside from his stunning inability to recognize that others might correctly view his situation as pathetic when later discussing his advice -- which, I note, was completely unrequested. I must strongly advise that Brian pursue sunlight outside of an amusement park, social gatherings, and regular bathing soon before it's too late."

The 35 year old Yourvey was unable for comment or to hear Mahoney's advice, however, due to currently being locked in his bedroom at his parents' house where, for the third consecutive day, he has been exploring the "Time Twister" add on pack for RCT2.

--MOS