Six Flags Announces Major Customer Service Initiative to Stop Urinating and Defecating on Guests

After nearly a decade of massive capital investments that many said ignored the "little things" that keep customers happy and coming back, Six Flags Inc. announced yesterday a major new effort for the 2004 season.

Outgoing president Gary Story shared the plan in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "After several years of extensive market research, we have determined that our guests tend not to return to our parks when our employees defecate and urinate on them. To a lesser extent, they object to us spitting on them, and to the intentional placement of various bodily fluids on their food, but the direct defecation and urination is really quite key, especially when aimed at their faces." At this point, Story and an intern performed an elaborate pantomime of an employee throwing and a customer being covered in urine and feces.

"Thus, we've taken what is, we believe, an unprecedented step in customer service and committed to reducing that defecation and urination by at least fifty percent in target parks in 2004, with additional reductions in following years. Ultimately, we'll expand the program to all of our parks, except for Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."

Reports indicate that the pro-defecation and pro-urination policy was started after a renegade market researcher suggested that customers desired to be showered in human waste and nobody questioned or checked his work. "We have been directing our employees for nearly eight years to create as filthy an environment as possible, even encouraging them to bring in dirty diapers from neighborhood children when available," said Story. "Well, no more! Except in Kentucky! (Where our research indicates the customers expect and want it.)"

In related news, Holiday World and Knoebel's employees are expecting to be even more unbelievably pleasant in 2004.

Could You Please Turn Down the Volume on That Website?

We've got a new gem for your perusal: the Awesome Coasters Website. Just be sure to lower the blast shield on your helmet before clicking the link. You'll enjoy the eye-scalding color scheme much more with some facial protection. Be sure to scroll through the entire website for helpful hints, lots of alleged links that don't link anywhere, and some good old-fashioned retinal trauma.

Link up with Awesome Coasters, the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK