Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Retirement of Ricky Williams Leaves Six Flags in Shock
The recent retirement of Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, after only five seasons in the National Football League and just days before the opening of his team's training camp, came as a huge surprise.  It surprised the Miami Dolphins, whose hopes for the playoffs have all but vanished.  It surprised the NFL, which certainly enjoys marketing every major star it can.  It surprised about seven really naive people who never leave their houses that Williams hit the bong about seventy times a day and mentioned this as part of his individuality that football was crushing.

But it surprised Six Flags, Inc. the most.  Many people did not realize that the park chain giant held the exclusive rights to create park rides, attractions, and related merchandise themed to the All-Pro back.

"This may be the final nail in our coffin," announced Six Flags rep Ralph Waldo Blurpfer IV.  "It's not like we haven't had enough financial trouble as it is lately.  But we figured Ricky was a sure bet.  Who wouldn't have traveled across the world to experience a simulator or kiddie coaster or food item themed to an eccentric running back who took eighty percent of his team's carries the previous year?"

Blurpfer noted that Williams had received "gargantua" sums of money from Six Flags in exchange for the rights to use his likeness in any attractions or soft ice cream flavors at the chain's parks.  Blurpfer admitted that it was still possible the park would create new gigacoasters and stuffed koala bears themed to Williams, but it seemed more likely they would have to cancel anything that would have been Williams-themed, resulting in a huge financial hit, but not sinking the corporation even further into debt by creating attractions the public no longer wanted.

Blurpfer did note (off the record, naturally) that Six Flags, Inc., was also considering retheming the entire Williams entertainment package to widely-respected and dominant Ravens quarterback Kordell Stewart.