Tuesday, October 07, 2003

PPP Proves Enthusiasts Love the Camera
In Odd Irony, Camera Rarely Loves Enthusiasts

In an embarrassing turn of events, enthusiasts from across the country hammed it up for Robb Alvey’s video camera at the annual Phoenix Phall Phunfest in Elysburg, Pennsylvania. Alvey, famous for selling his coaster trip videos and making insensitive comments on his website, came under fire from the internet community recently for being an insensitive jackass.

This sentiment, however, was not evident at Knoebel’s, where various coaster tools aped, made faces at, and high-fived Alvey and his life partner Elissa White in a desperate attempt to make it into the videos they so despise. Jeremy Werkzeug of Appleton, WI, who on the RPCGRRC forum called Alvey a “complete dick,” jockeyed to be next to Robb in line for the bumper cars hoping to score an appearance in the background of Alvey’s taping.

“Hey, this is my one chance at fame – Can’t you see how important he is to our community? Plus, he has a video camera.” Monday morning, however, Werkzeug was back on the forums, talking about how rude and snobbish Alvey was to him for not wanting to be friends.

ACE Study Affirms Fears: No Attractive Single Women Under 30 Are Members

ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) released a study today that confirmed what many already suspected---there are no single attractive women under 30 in the club. Carole Sanderson, ACE Savior-on-High, said, in an exclusive ARN&R interview, "This was something that was always assumed, but has never been proven. Now we have concrete evidence that young voluptuous women do not join coaster clubs."

Many members expressed the sentiment that this was not news to them. Keith Sternberg of Ohio (RaptorRulzThaSky47 on AIM) said that when he looked around at coaster conventions all he saw was a sausage fest with some token females thrown in. When asked the last time he was on a date Sternberg got very silent.

The study also confirmed that while the majority of enthusiasts are male, most are not close to the national average of good looking. Tim Thompson, president of the American Attractiveness Institute (AAI), which conducted the coaster fan study, said that the sample group of enthusiasts rated an average of 2 out of 10 on the Kleinstien Attractiveness Rating System. He said, "Most coaster fans rated 'Run Over by the Ugly Truck,' which is better than 'Must Have Sex With a Paper Bag on Head,' but not as good as 'Beaten With the Ugly Stick.'"

Enthusiasts, however, are not discouraged by the recent news. Mandy Wright, a 35 year-old female enthusiast described as "fugly" said she is un-phased. "I am going to do what I do best and that is have fun with all of my enthusiast friends...all of whom happen to be male."

Keith Sternberg said that he wouldn't change his modus operandi for finding women because of the AAI-conducted study. "My Friday nights are going to be the same," he said. "Roller Coaster Tycoon, chatting with my lady-friends in a Yahoo! Coaster Group and watching 'America Screams' with Vincent Price. I just love it when he says, 'Rolley Coaster!'" Sternberg said as his gut shook with pride.