Thursday, April 29, 2004

Flyer in ACE Newsletter Raises Porn Sales

Steve Goldschmitt was excited when he went to the mailbox two weeks ago. This was because his newest edition of Front Seat Thrills, put out by Horse Creek Productions, was due to arrive. He had seen a flyer for the POV video in the latest copy of ACE News and was excited to gather the kids around the fireplace and watch some coaster footage. What he found instead shocked this Pentecostal minister from Dothan, Alabama.

"Apparently I got the name wrong," confided Goldschmitt, "because the people in this video were not coaster enthusiasts. They were, ugh, um, people who practiced very alternative lifestyles. Specifically, getting in some sort of harness and being, um, handled by a line of men." What the pasty Pentecostal had ordered was not Horse Creek Productions' "Front Seat Thrills," but rather, Horse C*ck Productions' latest release, "Front Meat Thrills Vol. 4: Ass Party."

Lance Rodman, C.E.O. of Horse C*ck Productions, spoke exclusively with ARN&R about the mix-up and his refusal to refund Goldschmitt. "Yeah, he bought that DVD from us. Some real freaky sh*t going on there. I don't see what the big deal is. It's the same as a roller coaster, you have to hold on to the bar, there's a lot of going up and down and some screaming is going on." When asked why he wouldn't provide a refund, Rodman said, "The man bought a tape with an ass party and he's going to live with it. What if every closeted religious fanatic wanted to return their porn? I would owe Pat Robertson for the entire thirty-tape series. At $24.95 per tape that's just no way to run a business."

Goldschmitt says he is still recovering from the shock of seeing the tape. "They were doing all of these things I never knew were possible," he lamented. "I have had sex missionary style and, you know, like the dogs do. Lydia, my wife, hates that one. But, I never knew candle wax, an object called the 'King Dong' or 25 people could be involved. That's a bit different than this God-fearing person is used to."

Goldschmitt assured his congregation and the IRS that the tape was burned. However, the preacher fell strangely silent when his mail carrier, a congregation member, asked why on Tuesday the Goldschmitt household received a DVD labeled "The Man Hole Vol. 21: Cleaning the Pipes." The pastor tried to tell churchgoers about Six Flags Over Georgia's new coaster, but this time they didn't appear to be listening.