Friday, June 18, 2004

Horny Enthusiasts Flock to Girl's Rescue

According to sources close to ARN&R, approximately six trillion horny coaster enthusiasts (as well as approximately 19 googleplex other horny guys with no life who don't happen to be coaster enthusiasts) have discovered an online personal ad for a girl who appears to like roller coasters, but is incapable of correctly spelling the word "roller coaster." Experts report that a remarkable increase in worldwide bedsheet-staining can largely be traced to enthusiasts fondling themselves while imagining themselves swooping in and rescuing the young lass from her troubles by providing the correct spelling of the word, thereby earning her love and adulation forever, and presumably then getting to bone her a lot.

"I know I haven't seen a picture of SweetKylie19," said enthusiast Bob Fowler, 50, after he finished pleasuting himself for the fourth time in one hour thinking of the proper way to win the young lady's affection by informing her that she had spelled his favorite type of ride wrong. "But if she likes coasters, I'm sure she's a babe. That's why I'm going to register for this site she's on called 'So Would You Do Me,' and then I can be one of several billion horny bastards who can write in to tell her whether they would enjoy porking her or not, give her a rating, and of course tell her that I'm happy to meet her in person and coach her on the proper way to spell certain amusement park rides. I know she'll want me after that. Who doesn't want to meet a sexy coaster enthusiast?"

"I'm certainly turned on by this chick," noted ACE member Fred Schnauserkins, 46. "Okay, sure, I know she says she hates pop princesses yet calls Avril Lavigne her 'idol,' and then she says she doesn't drink and follows that up by saying she drinks socially, but she needs someone to 'sweet her off her feet,' so she obviously means me. And I've been waiting for a girl who says she enjoys roller coasters, even if she calls them 'rollor coasters.' In fact, it's better that she likes them but can't figure out how to spell them right. That way, I know I can be the teacher and she can be the padawan. Actually, I think most women would prefer it that way, since I know so much. There is much they can learn from me."

ARN&R was unable to ascertain whether all of the members of SWYDM were actually coaster enthusiasts or whether some were just big fat losers who have low enough self-esteem that they have to post their picture online and have complete strangers reassure them that they would be worth screwing.

KKK Members Protest Gay Days by Publicly F*cking Animals

Following a completely unsuccessful attempt, through on-site protest, to intimidate homosexuals into not attending the unofficial Gay Day at Dollywood park a few weeks back, the Ku Klux Klan is trying a new strategy in its quest to promote hatred and violence: f*cking barnyard animals.

"Whoo-weee!" shouted lifelong KKK member Billy Joe Pigsqueal, 38, as he sodomized a hapless goat outside of Six Flags Over Georgia, where the group was protesting a Gay Day being held at that park. "Take that! That'll show you homos we don' need yer kind at amusement parks!"

Pigsqueal was unable to inform ARN&R why, precisely, a bunch of inbred assholes giving some rough love to chickens and cows would have any effect on whether anyone decided to visit an amusement park.

"We're gonna keep on f*ckin' us some goats and pigs until the queers stop havin' their sinful Gay Days," noted Joe Don Bob “Strom” Thurmond, 95, a seventy-year KKK member famous for suing the makers of Deliverance for portraying him in an unfavorable light during the "Dueling Banjos" scene in that film. "We'll be protestin' just like this at every park that lets these homos in."

Thurmond was in the midst of a predictably idiotic rant about how white people are an oppressed minority in the US, when he was surprisingly thrown to the ground and raped by an angry steer that had broken loose from its holding pen. Despite this setback, the surviving hate club members assure ARN&R that they will continue having passionate sex with fowl and hogs until the world recognizes the supremacy of the Aryan race and/or gays stop going to theme parks.