Thursday, April 22, 2004

Imagineers Stumped by Mr. Toad Concept

Disney Imagineers are reportedly at what one inside source calls "a total dead end" in their attempt to create an exciting theme park attraction based on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

"With the DVD release of the movie called Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Disney has the rare opportunity to tie in a successful property by creating a ride at the Magic Kingdom based on Mr. Toad," says the source. "Disney already owns the U.S. film and ride rights to The Wind in the Willows due to their older animated film deal involving the book, but this newer movie really gives a kick-start to the idea of producing a fun attraction based on Mr. Toad and pals. Unfortunately, no one has the slightest idea of how to create a ride based on this book or on the movies based upon it!" The source then slapped his head crisply for emphasis.

One ride concept, discarded by Disney, would have featured themed cars that zipped speedily and wildly turned through scenes from The Wind in the Willows. The working title for this concept was "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." The source was unable to decipher why this idea was scrapped.

"The only thing certain about the new ride is that it will involve Mr. Toad in some way, and it will replace that Pooh ride at Magic Kingdom," said the source. "Everyone knows that thing blows, so we won't be getting any nasty hate mail about removing a popular classic attraction or anything."

Ebert, Scott, Mitchell Abandon Careers

Three influential film critics -- Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, A.O. Scott of the New York Times, and Elvis Mitchell of the L.A. Times -- today simultaneously announced that they were retiring, effective immediately, citing the presence of a new group of critics who "just blew us away."

The new group, a consortium of critics posting their musings at CoasterForce, rose to international prominence with their collective thoughts on The Girl Next Door.

Chach45, who is reportedly being interviewed for a position with Film Threat, opened the Algonquin Table-like discussion with "Ok ok ok... for those who don't know, a new movie named 'The Girl Next Door' is coming out on April 9th. Personally, I can't wait, mostly because Elisha Cuthbert is in it, and she is the hottest woman on planet Earth! What do you guys think about Elisha/the movie?"

After pondering Chach45's meditative and insightful posting, ioainme held forth on the underlying themes of the film: "cant wait to see it looks good." After learning that noted thespian Elisha Cuthbert portrays an adult film actress, future New York Times critic PreppieBoy9489 gave his highest review, previously reserved for The English Patient: "Does she really? *writes on hand to GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!!*"

Chach45, hoping to facilitate the continued insightful development of the discussion, rejoined the conversation: "Yes, yes it is true. My buddy saw the sneak preview... she plays an ex porn star who meets an up tight guy and turns him crazy and stuff.. and you see her butt in small underwear CANT WAIT!"

But Chach45 was not to have the last word. Instead, coolcat13 set forth what is likely to be the last word not only on the film, but also on film criticism, introducing the revolutionary concept of relying on Canadian provincial film ratings boards for the determination of a film's quality: "It does look like a shit film but with lots of T&A. lol I also heard on the radio that Ontario is one of the only provinces rating the movie 14A, everywhere else it's going to be 18A or then you know it's going to be good."

The intellectual back-and-forth continued with Chach45's rapier-like response: "It does not look like shite movie! It looks great! What's better then the hottest woman on the planet playing a porn star? NOTHING!"

Then, out of nowhere, dannybark cut to the heart of the matter: "lets be realistic, will elisha cuthbert actually get proper naked in this film or even show sumthin?.. its doubtful." Not since Janet Maslin's early advocacy for key art films has a writer had such an insight. And while the conversation continued for a period, all the following postings are clearly mere afterthoughts to dannybark's brilliance.

Ebert, Scott and Mitchell collectively sighed upon reading the thread. "Our careers are done," said Ebert, the first film critic to receive a Pulitzer Prize. "Indeed," said A.O. Scott, who many believe has filled Janet Maslin's position at the Times with great success. And Mitchell -- widely considered the most promising young critic in America -- simply curled up into the fetal position, weeping.

At press time, CoasterForce was reportedly determining if it could assert copyright on the postings. Experts estimate that simply the Girl Next Door postings could result in the site owners becoming millionaires if published in book form.