Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Vekoma Sales Rep Dodges Enthusiasts

Lake Compounce is a beautiful park. Recently Vekoma Sales Representative Bennie Van Der Schlong was enjoying a relaxing day at the Kennywood-owned facility when two coaster enthusiasts, decked out in Beast and Son of Beast t-shirts, followed him in line. “I vasn’t quite sure vat they wanted,” noted Van Der Schlong, “but then I remembered I was wearing a Vekoma polo and sported a briefcase. Things could have gotten very ugly.”

Things, indeed, got very ugly when Van Der Schlong saw the faces of the two enthusiasts. Enthusiast Tim Simmons and his fugly wife Regina were standing in line for Boulderdash, two people behind the Dutch salesman, who noted that, “All I vanted to do was relax in the park with my meeting with the GM.” Like a vulture eyeing a carcass the enthusiasts crept closer, slowly inching their way to the loading platform where the restrictive line would be gone and they could get behind their sworn enemy -- a Vekoma salesman.

Seconds before confrontation a stroke of genius hit Van Der Schlong. “Vat I decided to do is ride in the second-to-last car,” said the crafty Dutchman. “I knew they vould not follow me into such an inferior seat.” The Cheese-Eater’s instincts served him well. Disgusted at the thought of riding anywhere but the back, the Simmonses moved to the rear of the train. They hoped to catch the sales guy on his way out, but as luck would have it they were on two different trains.

“I love stalking people, but I love the back seat more,” smiled Simmons in an ARN&R interview. “Best seat, best seat!”


Tuesday, August 30, 2005

An Apology

Yesterday, we posted a SFNO piece poking fun at Six Flags marketing. When it was posted, it looked like the hurricane was going to be much less in terms of impact than it turned out to have, and then frankly we forgot about it being up on the site. We intended it to primarily make fun of Six Flags marketing but recognize that given how the situation has played out, it was a mistake to post it.

Our apologies.
ARN&R Hiatus Over

As you may have noticed from our article yesterday, ARN&R has begun the posting of articles again in earnest. That two-week hiatus we told you about is finally over, so your vigil can stop and you may feel free to resume your lives again.

Er...what's that? We didn't actually mention that we were going to be on hiatus for two weeks? Um...uh...well, we were so excited about our various trips and such that we kinda forgot. Sorry. Hope you found something else to pleasure yourselves viogrously to in the meantime.

Anyway, sorry to have left you in the lurch for a bit. We'll make it up to you with a bevy of England-themed humor for you in the upcoming weeks, as one of our correspondents is just about to return from a jaunt across the pond.

We thank our tens of loyal fans for their patience the past two weeks.


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Woman Can't Decide When Boyfriend Is Sexiest

Area woman Tory Abramowicz, 32, is in terrible quandary this week. Her problem? It's growing increasingly difficult for her to decide when her boyfriend is at his sexiest.

"He's always so awesome," she gushed to ARN&R. "But I just can't decide lately what makes him the hottest. Is it when he talks to me about how the ride experience might have differed on Hades if he'd ridden it at the convention with the tunnel lights on? Or maybe when he shows me those incomprehensible articles at ARN&R that he thinks are funny? Or when he notices slightly more braking than usual on something called the 'Montu midcourse brake' and shares that with me? Or even maybe it's when he can name some company that handled the trackwork on some coaster in New York without looking ashamed that he didn't have to look it up. Damn, he's a stud."

"Then again," she continued, "he might be at his sexiest when he does his fantasy football draft. I love it when he sits intensely at the computer for five hours and laughs out loud and calls his friends to make fun of allegedly stupid picks by other 'owners.' I can't wait til the actual season starts, so I can see him lounging on the couch all day drinking beer, watching football, and checking his so-called team's stats."

"Or," she added, after a moment's thought, "there's always the time he took me into New York to see the premiere of a Star Wars film. And then it's great when he quotes from Mystery Science Theater. And let's not forget the time he told me how Sauron was originally just the chief lieutenant of Morgoth before he became the main bad guy. He was so sexy every one of those times, I can't decide when he was the sexiest!"

"All I know is, I'm the luckiest girl on Earth," she concluded.


Friday, August 12, 2005

Cover Bands to F*ckin' Rawk Six Flags New England

WCCC The Rock 106.9 presents the third annual Monsters of Mock Concert at Six Flags New England on Friday, July 8th, LIVE at the Typhoon Beach Stage. See three of the nation's top tribute bands tear it up! It's Metallica, U2 and Motley Crue all on one stage * sort of. We have the next best thing:

Featured performances by Wide Awake In America, a tribute to U2, Alcoholica, a tribute to Metallica, and Megahertz, a tribute to Motley Crue. WCCC and Coors Light will be hosting beach games with prizes.

Plan a day in the sun to ride the all-new Mr. Six's Pandemonium and check-out the Typhoon watercoaster in Hurricane Harbor. The Concert is free with your season pass or listen to The Rock 106.9 WCCC for more info and your chance to win your way in!

--The Six Flags New England Staff

[Editor's Note: One of our staff members at ARN&R received the preceding story, verbatim, in a bulk email from Six Flags New England. Our first thought was that it was just the usual stupid spam, but upon further reflection, we decided it was so funny that it simply had to be a satire submission from the park to us. We haven't had a theme park staff serve as a writer for ARN&R before, so welcome aboard, SFNE!]

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Enthusiast Uncomfortable With Jump To "A-List" Status

"And just like that...poof...I was A-list," said Ferrari Albertina, pneumatic line manufacturer.

And so it began that faithful East Coaster. Albertina, who had lived a normal life of being a "high D, possibly low C-list" enthusiast was vaulted up in the eyes of fellow coaster geeks when he gave a 5 minute talk at the famous ACE wintertime gathering in beautiful downtown Allentown, Pennsylvania. "I just mentioned to Carol (the Lil' Kim of ACE) that I worked for a company that occasionally fabricated the pneumatic brake lines for Arrow and PTC. I don't know where things went so wrong," lamented Albertina. "Soon I was talking for five minutes about piping and all of the sudden I was a God to these, people."

His friends said it was because he got stupid. Harvey Goldenblatt, self-proclaimed "Disney dork and Kosher enthusiast" said that Albertina simply got too full of himself. "Look, Ferrari did a great job of being low-key. He didn't let enthusiasts know what he did, he kept a low profile, hell, the boy hardly got laid -- that was dedication. But he f*cked it all up by presenting at East Coaster. His life as he knows it is over."

15 year-old Jared Diesel, webmaster of, echoed Goldenblatt's sentiments. "Yeah, Ferrari did a great job, as Snoop said, 'goin' Deep Cover,' but he screwed it up by presenting. He might as well pencil his ass in to presenting at East Coaster, Coaster Con, No Coaster and every other coaster event with food and no (or fugly) women."

We tracked down some of Albertina's RRC friends at Williams Grove. TimHi-8 and Shimmer said that the new darling of ACE should quit the coaster community. "He doesn't get laid as it is. I just think being a keynote speaker will only hurt my boy's chances of breaking off some ass," noted Shimmer.

All in all, Albertina is sorry he ventured north for that presentation. "Was it a little egotistical? Probably. But, in all honesty I had no idea random people would come up to me at parks and start 'rapping' with me about their favorite coasters. I just want it to stop. Please God, make it stop."


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Ed Alonzo Receives Slew of Awards

Ed Alonzo, the wacky, zany, and hysterically funny "Misfit of Magic" who spends his summers entertaining the masses with his live show at Valleyfair!, has recently brought acclaim to the amusement park by receiving a large number of coveted awards within a short span of time.

Last Friday, it was announced that Alonzo would be given a special Lifetime Achievement Award by the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences at the 57th annual Emmy Awards this September. In a formal statement, the Academy noted that Alonzo's "decades of exceptional entertainment" led to his consideration for the award, but that his friendship with Screech, his compassion in being willing to be seen in public with the stupefyingly unfunny Gallagher, and his vaguely erotic "giving of tips" to David Copperfield were the three main factors that assured him of winning.

"Although it is unusual to announce such a prestigious honor this far before the actual ceremony," said an Academy spokeswoman, "we felt that this was a rare opportunity to have a performer showcase his brilliance at the actual ceremony. We therefore informed Mr. Alonzo of the award ahead of time so that he will have time to prepare a fantastic display of his magic and humor skills before billions of viewers on CBS."

The accolades continued to pour in on Wednesday, as the American Family Association named Alonzo as its Family-Friendly Entertainer of the Year. "Ed Alonzo is a true champion of family values," said a spokesman for the AFA. "While most amusement park shows are tawdry explorations of gayness, the degrading of conservative Caucasians, and preaching of non-Christian values, this particular show is perfectly appropriate for the whole family."

"We especially approved of the way the show handled women," he added. "For instance, in a show targeted directly to children, Mr. Alonzo referred to the hot babes who served as his assistants as 'holes' and 'pieces' at various times during his show, and had them clothed in tight Hooters shirts as the punchline to a joke. Demeaning women is very child-friendly and appropriate, as girls should learn their place at a young age instead of becoming uppity bitches who think they should be allowed to vote, or get a job at our offices without sucking my wang under the desk."

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, a third major award for Alonzo was announced earlier today: the ARN&R Site O' the Weak for the Ed Alonzo Scrapbook.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

Some Possible Beech Bend Coaster Names

We've been trying to help out the good folks at Beech Bend come up with a name for their new GCI coaster. A few possibilities:

Bubba's Revenge


Big Wooden Contraption over Yonder

The Grand Wizard

Wooden Thing I Did My Sister Under

Beech Bend Over Coaster

Billy Bob Thornton

The Pig F*cker


Friday, August 05, 2005

Runnin' With the Sandor

"KingdaKa. Kingda kaHA!" screams a young Karaoke front man at Bobrummels, the hang out spot in Shamokin, Pennsylvania. Locals have been puzzled by his weird interpretation of a Van Halen classic while friends of singer Josh Agner, 23, just find it annoying. "That stupid douche can't ride his roller coaster, so he re-wrote an entire song until it re-opens," moaned friend Tim Rogers.

"Panama," the Van Halen classic off of their 1984 album, was Agner's song template. As ARN&R's staff walked around the bar we heard him sing the first chorus:

"Don't you know its gonna open soon?!
It will never loose the speed.
I'll get a ride!

Kingda Ka, Kingda kaHA!
Kingda Ka, Kingda kaHA!"

Many of the regular truckers and lot lizards that frequent Bobrummels weren't impressed with Agner's rendition. 42 year-old skank Tina Jonstone said his version "sucked." She lamented, "Them boys in Van Halen got rid of David Lee Roth first and now I have to listen to this. What the hell is going on?"

After turning down Jonstone's offer of a five dollar Dutch Oven we grabbed another Old Milwaukee and talked to Agner's friends. They said that while he enjoyed Hydra at Dorney Park, his real love was the non-working, penis-shaped Intamin tower in Jackson, New Jersey. There was just something about the launch that made him hard, and made him write variations of Van Halen songs. At press time, he was reportedly writing a version of "Jump" based on a non-functioning S&S launch tower in an unnamed park.

As we walked out of the bar listening to that catchy tune we couldn't help but plug in our air guitars, strum a chord and pretend to beat that stupid enthusiast tool senseless with our imaginary Fender Strat.


Author's Note: Shortly after this story was written Kingda Ka opened. Howewver, Josh Agner cannot afford to visit Six Flags Great Adventure because he spent so much money on Yuengling and Marlboro Reds during its closure.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Niche Marketing: The Fugly Demographic
A Special Report for Parks Nationwide

In an era where ticket pricing appears to have reached a ceiling, per-cap spending has become even more important to amusement park operators around the world. When talking about souvenirs there are many different groups to sell to: moms with infants, families with tweens and young adults.

But there are also other types of people that parks are now seeking out, one of the largest being the fugly demographic. [Author's note: For additional definitions of fugly please see here, here, here, and here.]

This is a market that Disney has long gone after, specifically with its jean jacket product line. Tim Stewart, Merchandising Manager for the Magic Kingdom, says that fuglies love sporting jackets with Eeyore and/or Tigger patches. He noted that "recent buying trends are skewing to fugly chicks when it comes to ugly jean jacket purchases. Often we find that these women also fill their house or trailer with Thomas Kincade paintings and Hummel figurines." Independent research shows that fugly women relate to these characters because they either blather on about things no one cares about (i.e.,Tigger) or simply cannot get laid and have terrible personalities (i.e., Eeyore).

Disney isn't the only park chain cashing in on the people whose faces can stop clocks. Paramount Parks recently issued a classic Days of Thunder racing jacket, complete with the large quote "That's Rubbin' Son, and Rubbin's Racin'" caringly embroidered on the back. Corporate Promotions Director Adam Jones said, "We do find it amazing that ugly people who cannot afford basic hygiene products have no problem plopping down $200 for a shitty, ugly jacket. But we are happy to take their money." Jones commented that the only racing-related item that has yet to sell well is a NASCAR-themed mirror.

After talking with park managers from around the country ARN&R came up with a list of items you will want to keep in stock to keep the fuglies opening their sweaty Velcro-sealed wallets:

From Dollywood:
• Git R Done Truckers Hat (with optional Confederate Flag bill)

From NASCAR Speedpark:
• Dale Earnhardt Picture Hanger (the sales slogan is "Bang the wall - just like Dale!)

From Six Flags St. Louis:
• Tweety Bird Poncho and Muumuu Set

From Magic Springs:
• "Mustache Rides - 5 cents" and "I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing!" t-shirts

We hope these suggestions and insight allow you to grow your park's market share of the fugly demographic.


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Adoring Fan Not Seen

Shortly before embarking on our not-event this weekend, we received the following letter from a presumably worshipful fan of ARN&R:

I've already got my outfit all picked out!

I was goning to keep it a surprise, but I'm just too excited about it.

I bought a youth large Beast shirt on ebay the other day. That should
fit me, right?

It's only got minor armpit staining, and a little unidentifiable
"crust" running across one of The Beast's claws, but otherwise is in
*mint* condition.

I'm thinking of pairing it with some super short 70s tennis shorts,
black sox, and my jogging shoes from Payless with the Velcro

I hear there are a lot of stairs at Mt. Olympus, so I want to be sure
to be in athletic mode!

During our visits to the Mall of America, Valleyfair!, and The Dells, the ARN&R staff sort of forgot that we'd said people could look for us and join us, and instead reverted to our standard practice of avoiding and ignoring anyone who looked even remotely enthusiast-like. For that reason, we made no effort to be seen by Mr. Slightly-Crusted Beast Shirt (and frankly would have hidden behind a tree if he'd gotten anywhere near us), so he might be a sad clown since he did not actually get to meet his heroes. ARN&R regrets the inconvenience.

Holiday World Announces Thanksgiving-Themed Section

The wait is over – Holiday World announced that its new coaster, The Voyage, will be opening in May of 2006, in a new area of the park themed to Thanksgiving. This area joins existing holiday lands Halloween, Christmas, 4th of July, and the non-holiday related Holidog’s Fun Town. While little information was on the park's website about the new area, ARN&R’s trusty sources have found out what awaits us in 2006:

New Rides!

The following new Turkey-Day themed rides are expected to open alongside The Voyage:

  • Pilgrim's Progress - antique car ride where riders get ambushed, scalped by Indians!
  • Dinner Table Drama – A "4-D" Film Experience of dysfunctional family Thanksgiving, starring Garfield®!

A New Show!

A fantastic new music and dance show, The Separatist Follies, will be on the “Cornucopia Stage” in May 2006!

Holidog’s Happy Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Sponsored by AJ Wright, this is a wonderful parade of all your Holiday World friends – don’t forget to wave to Santa!

A Giant New Restaurant!

This “comforting” new dining experience brings you the best of Thanksgiving fare, with an amusement park twist! On our menu you’ll find:

  • Deep Fried Mashed Potatoes on a Stick!
  • Cranberry Ice Cream!
  • Green Bean Casserole Smoothies!
  • The “Leftover Sandwich™” – a Holiday World Exclusive!

Additionally, for a nominal surcharge, live actors portraying characters from the Dinner Table Drama ride will scream at you during dinner for having a crappy job and failing to marry and/or provide grandchildren.

See You Next Year!

--MMB, who refuses to name her top secret source for this story