Monday, March 22, 2004

Coaster Enthusiast Finds Woman of His Dreams

As a rule, coaster enthusiasts have trouble locating an attractive member of the opposite sex with whom they can mate and make wild rutting sounds. However, bucking the monumental trend of enthusiasts unable to find a soul mate is Richard Serpa, 41. According to Serpa, after decades of loneliness and vigorous hourly self-stimulation to illegally-obtained onboard ride footage, he will soon be "totally set with the poontang."

"I knew I'd find my special someone eventually," said Serpa. "Sometimes it can be kind of hard to meet the chicks. I live in my parents' basement, I have a really small penis, and I have no social skills at all. I spend almost the entire day looking at coaster rumor sites, practicing my tuba, eating cheeseburgers and fistfuls of suet, and feebly ejaculating onto my coaster snow globe collection. It seemed like these were traits that would not enable me to find someone to polish my knob to a lustrous shine, but I never despaired, and now I am almost to the Promised Land."

ARN&R has learned that the object of Serpa's affections is The World's Most Pretentious Female Writer. Experts note that no person, male or female, could possibly resist the urge to give themselves a quick hand-o-gram when faced with the following prose:

Oh, tortured artist, tie me up, destroy me, then toss me under your floor-bound mattress and forget I exist! It is better to feel your footprints than your absence!

Although vegetarian, I enthusiastically pant over the scent of a cowhide jacket and/or boots. I am the Collie in heat and this boy my rawhide chewtoy.

I do not realize my question is unanswered. Instead I am sucked into his profound black hole of existence.

As a child I once attended a circus and saw a lion tamer attacked by the most beautiful lion to ever be caged. The tamer was bleeding, but not badly harmed. He looked more shocked that this creature who he had surely loved and committed so much effort to taming had lashed out in such a way. Wild things are beautiful, but that is no reason to cage them.

However, although the beautiful words surely arouse all who read them, Serpa feels a special connection to the writer because of another quote from the sumptuous text:

I realize there is a type of person who does not enjoy rollarcoasters, and maybe this ho-hum lifestyle of Tupperware, TV Guides and PTA meetings is all The Universe has prescribed for one who sits on a bench as friends above squeal with delight from the Super Dooper Looper.

"Every male coaster enthusiast knows there's a totally hot coaster chick out there just for him to churn the man butter with, even though there are like three hot coaster chicks who have ever lived," said Serpa. "When I read this text, I knew this piece of tail was smart, could spell good, was hot, and, most importantly, knew how to reference roller coasters in general and one at Hersheypark, my favorite, in specific. We're in love, and I'm all ready to play hide the salami with that awesome piece of trim."

Under thorough questioning, Serpa admitted he had not actually met the writer, nor even written to her, but that he thought "things were progressing really well" and "marriage and lots of amusement park trips and f**king" were definitely upcoming within a matter of weeks.

When asked to comment, Serpa's mother noted that she would be able to sleep better if he would "stop making those moaning, squealing, and slapping sounds when he reads his favorite website."