Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Valleyfair!'s 2007 "Woodie": The True Story

It's been accepted as gospel truth at the usual suspect websites that ValleyFair is building a wooden coaster in 2007. But we at Absolutely Reliable have gone one step further: We have actual footage of a coaster enthusiast badgering the truth from some poor marketing rep.

Actually, the video is mostly an unflattering view ot the inquiring ACEr. Fine, let's be more specific--far more unflattering than usual. Think plumber's crack with an inordinately overstretched and unsexy tattoo...or are those varicose veins and stretch marks? Don't ask us. We aren't checking.

In any event, here's the transcipt:

Dork: So whatisit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: Ewwwwwwww. What?
Dork: Whatisit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: On your lip? Looks like mayonnaise. At least let's hope so.
Dork: Oooh! Oooh! A sooooovenir! *wipes mouth with coaster shirt* Every stain tells a stohhhh-ry.
Rep: [edges toward door] Ooookaaaaaaaaayyyy.
Dork: Jus' like a Hawaiian hooooola dance.
Rep: Look, I gotta get going.
Dork: Buhhhhhhh...Whasit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: What is WHAT?
Dork: New keaustur. New keaustur. Whatisit? Whatisit? I won't tell...[boots up laptop]
Rep: Did I say it was a coaster?
Dork: YOU SAID KEAUSTUR! YOU SAID KEAUSTUR! KNEW IT KNEW IT KNEW IT KNEW IT.
Rep: [long sigh]
Dork: In yer FASSSSSSSSE!! [slight spittle spray]
Rep: No getting around you, I guess.
Dork: I knoooow.
Rep: I was speaking for your belt, actually. Anyway...
Dork: I gawwta KNOWWWW. [breeze of well-aged pickle loaf]
Rep: Okay, fine.
Dork: [high pitched orgasmic squeal]
Rep: It's something you've been wating for a long time.
Dork: A woodie?
Rep: And I think you'll really like it.
Dork: A woodie?
Rep: And...you'll see next year.
Dork: A woodie? Woodie Woodie Wood Woodie?
Rep: I bet you would like one of those, huh?
Dork: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!

And the rapid clickety-clack of little sausage fingers drowned out the remaining audio.

A bright off -- screen flash and groan -- possibly the rep tasering themselves in hopes of forgetting the incident -- was somewhat indistinct and inconclusive as of press time.

--CO