Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Busch Gardens Disappoints People With Bad Taste

Tens of people were disappointed today when Busch Gardens announced that their new coaster, Griffon, was based on a mythological creature that was part eagle and part lion. All thirty Eddie Griffin fans were saddened by the fact that the coaster was not about the Undercover Brother star. "We were just disappointed," lamented one Griffin enthusiast, "as he is the best comic and actor of his generation."

While the Scary Movie 3 and DysFunktional Family star could not be reached for comment, his fans were all over it. Trondell, from the Bronx, could not hold back his frustration. "I don't see why the man is putting Griffin down again. The next thing you know, the Wayans brothers won't be able to get a ride themed after their collective comedic genius."

Busch Entertainment spokesman responded with a press statement: "We are sorry that there was some confusion as to the appearance of Mr. Eddie Griffin. While films like Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo do require a lot of acting prowess, we do not feel that theming a ride after an ancient mythological creature is a slap in the face."


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Six Flags Offers Several Other "Six No-Touch" lists

Following reports that Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro stated that there are six "no-touch" parks within the chain that absolutely will not be sold, Shapiro announced that there would be several more "six no-touch" lists concerning new directions the company will be taking.

• Six "no-touch" parking lots - A list of the six parks which offer "outstanding family service in the important function of SUV family car parking." Even if the actual amusement park is sold, Shapiro stated, Six Flags will continue to operate the parking area, charging $15 and filling it with roaming costumed characters.

• Six "no-touch" food stands - six food stands that offer "outstanding variety and service geared to families." Like the parking lots, even if the surrounding parks are sold, these food stands will continue to sell $9 hot dogs for generations to come, no matter what is built around them.

• Six "no-touch" employees - This list may be delayed, as after several months of preparation there is still only one employee on the list, and he is reportedly under threat of termination.


Friday, August 18, 2006

Chicago Bears Blame Pathetic Preseason Camp On Six Flags Great America

The Chicago Bears broke from one of the most lackluster preseason camps in recent memory this week, and head coach Lovie Smith knew exactly where to lay the blame. “It’s all because of Six Flags Great America,” Smith told the media Thursday. “That’s the main reason things went so sour.”

The Bears’ main concern was the downright spastic play of starting quarterback Rex Grossman, which Smith attributes to fatigue. According to sources close to the team, Grossman has been surviving on less than two hours of sleep a night, spending most of his free time scouring coaster forums in search of rumors about a possible floorless coaster for the Gurnee park in 2007.

“Leave me alone,” said a taciturn Grossman leaving the Bears camp in Bourbonnais, Illinois. “I’ve got to go watch some game film…or something…” Grossman then proceeded to fumble the keys to his car twice and break his right wrist while attempting to swat a fly.

“Sure, we’ve been decimated by injuries so far this year, most, if not all, caused in some way by Six Flags,” Smith said. “But I’m not worried. Wait and see what happens to the Broncos when Elitch Gardens gets bulldozed for a shopping complex.”

ARN&R has compiled a partial list of the Bears’ injury woes, and their amusement park connections:

• Defensive tackle Dusty Dvoracek: right foot stress fracture from standing in place for six hours straight waiting for Déjà Vu to open on August 10th;

• Safety Mike Brown: torn Achilles tendon caused by attempting to hover over a urine and feces splattered toilet seat without touching in the park’s Hometown Square section;

• Cornerback Nathan Vasher: strained back muscles from eight continuous August 5th re-rides on the park’s rapidly deteriorating American Eagle;

• Assistant linebacker coach Jesse Bormet: outbreak of diphtheria from the park’s Loggers’ Run flume ride, July 29th; and

• Running back Cedric Benson: Dislocated shoulder caused by reaching for wallet to pay for a nine dollar hamburger.

In other Chicago sports news, rumors are running rampant that the Chicago White Sox’s two consecutive losses to the little league-caliber Kansas City Royals were the result of players' distraction at an upcoming trip to Kentucky Kingdom.

“I don’ know where you getting this idea,” said Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. “Greezed Lightnin’ been berry, berry good to me.”


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Valleyfair!'s 2007 "Woodie": The True Story

It's been accepted as gospel truth at the usual suspect websites that ValleyFair is building a wooden coaster in 2007. But we at Absolutely Reliable have gone one step further: We have actual footage of a coaster enthusiast badgering the truth from some poor marketing rep.

Actually, the video is mostly an unflattering view ot the inquiring ACEr. Fine, let's be more specific--far more unflattering than usual. Think plumber's crack with an inordinately overstretched and unsexy tattoo...or are those varicose veins and stretch marks? Don't ask us. We aren't checking.

In any event, here's the transcipt:

Dork: So whatisit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: Ewwwwwwww. What?
Dork: Whatisit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: On your lip? Looks like mayonnaise. At least let's hope so.
Dork: Oooh! Oooh! A sooooovenir! *wipes mouth with coaster shirt* Every stain tells a stohhhh-ry.
Rep: [edges toward door] Ooookaaaaaaaaayyyy.
Dork: Jus' like a Hawaiian hooooola dance.
Rep: Look, I gotta get going.
Dork: Buhhhhhhh...Whasit whatisit whatisit whatisit?
Rep: What is WHAT?
Dork: New keaustur. New keaustur. Whatisit? Whatisit? I won't tell...[boots up laptop]
Rep: Did I say it was a coaster?
Rep: [long sigh]
Dork: In yer FASSSSSSSSE!! [slight spittle spray]
Rep: No getting around you, I guess.
Dork: I knoooow.
Rep: I was speaking for your belt, actually. Anyway...
Dork: I gawwta KNOWWWW. [breeze of well-aged pickle loaf]
Rep: Okay, fine.
Dork: [high pitched orgasmic squeal]
Rep: It's something you've been wating for a long time.
Dork: A woodie?
Rep: And I think you'll really like it.
Dork: A woodie?
Rep:'ll see next year.
Dork: A woodie? Woodie Woodie Wood Woodie?
Rep: I bet you would like one of those, huh?

And the rapid clickety-clack of little sausage fingers drowned out the remaining audio.

A bright off -- screen flash and groan -- possibly the rep tasering themselves in hopes of forgetting the incident -- was somewhat indistinct and inconclusive as of press time.


Sunday, August 13, 2006

Flummoxed Coaster Enthusiasts Harass Baked Goods Company

Employees of the New Jersey based company Entenmann's have been deluged by phone calls from coaster enthusiasts, most of whom have confused the retailer of baked goods with a similarly-named amusement ride manufacturer. "They've been calling night and day," said EntenmannÂ?s customer service representative Sara Reid. "I'll be darned if I know half of what the heck theyÂ?re going on about. Most of them just start talking about something called Sidewinder, and asking me if it's going to be launched or have a hill of some sort."

The calls have also bedeviled Regional Manager Stan Caruso. "Our corporate policy is to be polite and helpful to all our callers, but this batch is turning into a real stick in the side," he said. "I've got sixteen voice mails since this morning screaming at me about how we need to speed up the dispatch time on Vertical Velocity. What is that about? Do you know?"

"Well, I feel sorry for the poor dears. They've got us confused with something else," Reid said. "I just try to be as patient as I can, and if they ask me about Wicked Twister, I tell them all about our Cinnamon Twist crumb cake. Most of 'em seem pretty happy when they figure out that we sell doughnuts and cheesecake."

Entenmann's profits are up 14.7% from last quarter, mostly due to a stunning increase in phone and internet orders.

In a similar situation, Max Jarrell, CEO of the New Zealand electrical company known as B&M stated to ARN&R that he's "getting mighty sick of phone calls from panting freaks," and the next person who bothers him about the trim brakes on the first hill of Mantis is going to get "a swift kick in the ass."


Monday, August 07, 2006

Sea World Orlando Doesn’t Know What The Hell Journey to Atlantis Is About

A public relations representative of Sea World Orlando unwittingly confirmed this weekend what theme park insiders have suspected for years; the park has absolutely no idea what their Journey to Atlantis attraction is about.

Melissa Statkus, 22, a newly hired media relations coordinator, was charged with leading a camera crew from a local cable access show around the park on Saturday. The group had exited the Manatee Rescue exhibit, and was setting up their camera for footage of the exterior of the Mack water coaster when the incident occurred.

“I was surprised that she had only been working at the park for a few weeks. She seemed so knowledgeable about everything.” said Orlando Opus cameraman Larry Grzybek. “She told us about how there’s been a couple of different Shamus over the years, and that their park is much cleaner than a Six Flags, despite the fact that they serve free beer. But when we asked her about the story of that Atlantis ride, she kinda freaked out.”

Orlando Opus host and producer David Strand concurred. “All I did was ask what the ride was about, and she got really pale and started stammering. I guess it was good that Larry caught it on tape, but I felt really bad for her.”

ARN&R has reviewed the tape, and the mental unraveling of the young woman is truly disturbing. After initially describing the story as a “mystical journey” to the lost city of Atlantis, she quickly backtracks, saying guests will be sent on a wild adventure after offending the sea goddess “Allura…or something”. The situation only gets worse after Statkus is asked why the ride features music from the soundtrack of the motion picture Beetlejuice.

“That girl went right off her trolley.” Strand said, shaking his head. “I haven’t seen a girl crying that hysterically since my prom night.”

The tape shows Statkus flying into a frothing rage, screeching that her Sea World superiors told her to “make up some bulls--t” if anyone asked about the attraction’s storyline, and that she had been on the ride “like…sixty times” in an attempt to work it out for herself, but to no avail. Her eyes filling with tears, she states that she “didn’t have to deal with this kind of crap” when she worked at Old Navy.

“And that was it. She covered her face, and ran off in the direction of Kraken.” Grzybek said. “I guess our segment turned out okay, even if we never did find out why OSHA hasn’t shut down that Wild Arctic simulator ride, or why the entire Penguin Encounter smells like rotten garbage.”


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Heat Can't Beat Enthusiast

The record-breaking heat along the eastern seaboard this week has deterred all but the hardiest of vacationers from more than the barest of outdoor activities, but there are those who brave the soaring temperatures and high humidity. One is coaster enthusiast Dirk Patton, 41, who has staunchly refused to spend any less than the entire day today at Six Flags America, near Washington, DC. Despite a temperature topping out at 111 degrees Fahrenheit, a heat index rating of 125, and a lack of shade caused by park landscaping consisting primarily of acres of sun-obliterated bare asphalt.

"I need to get in at least twenty rides on Joker's Jinx and twenty on Superman if I'm going to have a shot at riding each over seven hundred times this season" he panted. "My shot at glory and everlasting fame from this accomplishment will not be denied!"

Professing to care little about the dangerous heat levels, Patton said "Well, it seemed pretty hot and muggy this morning, and I'll admit that I was sweating profusely. But I must have gotten used to it, because I haven't been sweating the slightest bit for at least an hour. Guess I'm made of stronger stuff than most people." Patton did admit to feeling quite achey, dizzy and nauseous, but said that was "perfectly normal for a stud who faced the front row of X-Flight four times in a row."

Patton also noted that the "pretty swirling colors in the air" were "particularly vibrant" and that the "giant purple man-eating penguins over there" were worrying him a bit, as they were beginning to stare at him in a lustful fashion.

The Weather Channel reports that tomorrow's average temperature will exceed 6 trillion degrees Kelvin. Patton assured ARN&R, once he was again apprised of his name and location, that he will be right back at SFA, racking up those important credits.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Couple Unable To Visit Six Flags Great America

A Chicago area couple is stymied by their inability to visit Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois, despite driving nearly two hours for that purpose alone.

“We just keep trying to figure out why,” said Paul Willard, 34 years old, “We were planning this trip for weeks, even arriving at our hotel the night before so we could get to the gates before the park opened. But over a few drinks at dinner, we both came to the decision that we really didn’t want to go at all.”

Kim Schultz, 27, was the first one to bring up the subject of not visiting the park. “I made a joke about it at the hotel, y’know, that the room was so nice that we should just sleep in instead of fighting the crowds all morning. But then it came up again at dinner, and when we realized that we were both thinking the same thing, that was it.”

Willard and Schultz are both former SFGAm annual passholders, and have truly enjoyed their visits to the chain’s Midwestern gem in the past. Willard shrugged his shoulders when asked for a rationale behind the couple’s actions.

“Beats me. I guess maybe I’m just tired of the throngs of white-trash, hostile ride operators, and bland fast food. Of course, fifteen dollars for parking might have something to do with it.”

Schultz is more specific, waving a Six Flags brochure in the air. “They’re celebrating a forty-fifth anniversary?” she asked incredulously. “What the hell is that? That makes even less sense than that ‘100 Years of Magic’ crap that Disney tried to cram down people’s throats a few years ago.”

The couple then engaged in a rapid-fire listing of possible reasons for their non-visit, including peeling paint on Déjà Vu, lackluster live show offerings, and the continued operation of Iron Wolf, the park’s torturous B&M stand-up coaster. They agree on one point, however.

“We had a much better time that day by not going to the park.” Schultz said. “We had a good breakfast, did some shopping at the Gurnee Mills mall, and took most of the afternoon driving home on country roads. It was much better than standing in line for three hours for Raging Bull, which is just going to be trimmed to death anyway.”

The couple is already in the planning stages of a trip to the park next month, which will most likely include a day of horseback riding at a local stable, and an outing at the park’s Fright Fest, when they plan to spend the day at a health spa.